I decided to write down the whole thing – in case I am writing memoirs when I am old and surrounded by multiple grandkids – I also thought it went funny. Tragicomedy.
(He wakes up at eight and tells me he fell asleep on the couch)
– Can I come over?
– Come over? I didn’t realise we were meeting at my place. But sure.
– I want to talk about something.
Upon arrival – he comes in, sits down at the kitchen table:
– I think I don’t want to date you anymore.
– Something is missing. I don’t want to lead you on any further. It’s unfair.
– Which is a bummer, we had a lot of fun together.
– Yes, we did.
– I have some of your stuff in the car. I’ll bring it over.
– Sure. Oh, can I get the name of your cologne?
– PAUSES. LOOKS PUZZLED. Um – my perfume?
– Yes. Yves Saint Laurent something…
– LOOKS EVEN MORE PUZZLED. STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR A PEN. Sure. I can write it down… Or I will text it to you!
– OK. Do I owe you anything? Like any of your stuff?
Hugs me after he brings the stuff from his car. Presses his face against my neck – I push away, we say goodbye. He messages me on Monday (August 7th) – link to his perfume and apologises for not sending it earlier. I thank him. He says I am welcome.
Over a week ago I was analysing how the expression “I’m not a good company” triggered my fear since S. (the Brit woo was my first daily experience after separation) used it shortly before he ditched me.
When JD said “something is missing” yesterday, I realised it sounded very similar to “no butterflies” in S.’s case.
Now, here’s where the similarities get creepy – S. ditched me exactly two years ago! August 4th. Funny!
I saw JD briefly the day before yesterday. Then went out with JM last night – for bowling and beers. Tonight I am supposed to go to movies with JD again. And that’s on a super busy week at work too!
This time around JM was more active in flirting than before (over three months ago!) He didn’t just wink (his all-time favourite flirting tool – super crazy efficient one, right?!), but tried complimenting, called me his dear and even hugged me lightly when we were bowling. The goodbye kiss was somewhat better than the last one as well (although the bar was low).
He was also way chattier, especially after two beers – I forgot that the guy could be this talkative actually. I guess I was always trying to fill the air with my blubbering before.
It was all nice and exciting (the slight guilt pangs spiced up the whole thing for me), but the best part was me staying realistic throughout the whole date – fat chance this guy becomes highly interested in dating anytime soon – and for him and I to have a shot he has to be – the one hour distance between our places is bad enough, the fact that he works crazy hours at his multiple jobs as well as commutes another hour away from my city for his main job make the whole idea of us dating nearly impossible.
Besides my blindly following my own agenda of what I thought would make him happy, the fact that he had been realistic about the above all the time were the two main contributors to our failure last time. Nothing really changed since either. Well, he got divorced, I learned things about how to actually empathise with others – but elephant is still in the room.
So for now he is my pen pal that I may go out with every few months or so. Even if JD story ends, I will go look for a new story to start.
I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.
But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.
Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.
Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.
There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…
PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.
PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.
PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.
I think I have reached a state of a relationship enlightenment – where I am enjoying every minute of it while I am with the guy, then I flip a switch to “normal life” and go on with it and I am accepting of the idea that most likely than not this thing will not last.
The hardest part is the switch-over day though. It’s almost like being stuck between two states – very unstable and emotional.
There has been odd thing about messaging with JD while I was away – frequency of our messaging decreased, he completely stopped showing any affection in the conversations – he’s never been that affectionate to begin with – but now there is none at all.
Oddly enough, I was able to rationalise my way out of fretting over it that much – whether this is just him detaching from everything back home while he’s away on his vacation, or it’s a sign that he intends to quit this thing altogether – it’s not worth worrying about either way – for one, I’ll never know until he’s back, also, even if it is the gloom and doom scenario, I know the drill by now – go back to dating scene, activate flirting with JM – in case of a miraculous event of his bubble walls getting thin enough.
What also helps is distinguishing the fun stuff I do with the guy from the guy himself – yes, I will not be able to afford/do some of it on my own, but on the other hand, I can always do this same stuff (or something entirely different but as enjoyable) with a different person!
Ended up being one of the best in awhile.
Started off with a dinner at an awesome Italian place, continued with a shopping trip to a nearby city with lingerie shopping at VS and driving around in a convertible. I haven’t driven a standard in eight years, but I did remarkably well. We went on this roofed wooden bridge, he told me to stop right in the middle of it. “There’s a reason they call it Kissing bridge…”.
At some point he also went “your mom must have liked me because she saw that I’m in love with her daughter” 😊
The main trick to keep things on track is to be in the moment, to enjoy the present.
I haven’t heard from the guy for over a day. Texting has been scarce over the previous two days too compared to what went on before.
I’m trying to keep my cool for now. It gets harder though. WTF?!
Maybe what burns bright extinguishes fast. Oh well.