That was fast!

Seems like the E. chapter is coming to an end. That was a short one. Oh well. I try my best to not get discouraged, but it seems harder with every other chapter.

I’m so glad I blocked JD though.

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It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.

I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.

Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.

I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.

Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!

So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.

I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.

PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!

Echoes of feelings passed

They say time heals – very true! The more of it goes by, the less I catch myself at thoughts of: “I should share this one with him, he’ll appreciate” or “He’d totally know the answer to this tricky question on Jeopardy” and so on. It’s like the person (or rather their projection in my mind) is gradually washing out of my system. My pulse stays at its regular rate when my memory stumbles over another reminder, and it doesn’t get as many associations anymore either. Archiving process is under way. Took it some time to trigger in earnest, but now it’s on.

Defense mechanism

I just ditched a guy after two dates. The real reason – boring AF. Can’t say that tho, no need to hurt his feelings.

So instead I said that I didn’t believe this could develop any further, so it wasn’t fair to go on.

His response – he didn’t feel romantic attraction either. I’ve been on the scene long enough to tell if a guy is attracted to me or not. Also, his actions – constant texting, leaving Match, expressing excitement about upcoming date – tell me otherwise. So it’s really funny to observe one’s defense mechanism in action.