A weekend that didn’t start that well…

Ended up being one of the best in awhile.

Started off with a dinner at an awesome Italian place, continued with a shopping trip to a nearby city with lingerie shopping at VS and driving around in a convertible. I haven’t driven a standard in eight years, but I did remarkably well. We went on this roofed wooden bridge, he told me to stop right in the middle of it. “There’s a reason they call it Kissing bridge…”.

At some point he also went “your mom must have liked me because she saw that I’m in love with her daughter” 😊

The main trick to keep things on track is to be in the moment, to enjoy the present. 

What scares me the most…

Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.

So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!

A recipe for a successful relationship

It’s simple, but it’s hard to follow – Respect + Self-respect.

JD said something in passing another day –I am not someone who would let others treat me wrongly.

Little does he know!

However, that’s the key – if you have no self-respect, people won’t respect you – they may feel sorry for you, like you, whatnot – but respect comes from self-respect. As E.M. Remarque once said, pity is the flip side of despise. Once you are ready to trade your pride, your feel of self-worth for anything (in my case – for a guy’s approval, favours), you betray yourself. A person like that can’t possibly gain respect from others.

Same is true for respect for the person you’re seeing – if you don’t respect them, they will either walk away (if their self-respect is in place), or else they will start humiliating themselves just to make you stay longer. Which will cause you to respect them even less.

Another funny thing is that if you don’t have self-respect, you don’t know how to respect others either. It’s a two-way street that starts from self. Like so many other things.

So from now on my first and foremost test for any decision is – does it pass the respect smell-test? An easy way to run it according to the psychology blog on relationships I’ve been reading for some time now – is asking myself if I would want my daughter to do what I am about to do. If the answer is no, then I’ll pass.

It’s only been 6 months

Since I last saw JM. We got together again last night. I now know what made me so crazy about him. We have similar views on so many things, it’s unbelievable. We get along well. There’s definitely chemistry too. In short, we’re a great match.

Having said that, I now know for certain that he doesn’t want to date. Whatever the reasons, he’s not into it. He sees more problems than benefits.

This last paragraph makes the first one totally irrelevant. It’s like when you crave something that’s not available. All you can do is quit wanting the darn thing. 

I tried to fight this thing, but it’s disrespectful to the guy’s​ wishes. He can stay in his bubble all he wants. 

What’s for me in a relationship?

At some point my shrink asked me what I wanted a relationship for.  Until now I thought that the purpose of the question was to help me better understand my needs/expectations from a romantic relationship and therefore to know what I was looking for. It would also help me see that the list of needs was limited, and therefore face value of relationship for me would deflate.

But I think I applied tunnel vision to the question – the right way of looking at it is rephrasing it to: “What’s so unique in a romantic relationship that I cannot get elsewhere?”.

I think in my case I mixed too many needs into the idea of a romantic relationship. For one, I don’t feel like I have enough close friends – so instead of working on finding new friends and strengthening the existing connections, I added the comradery need to the list. Don’t get me wrong, one has to be friends with their romantic partner, but what I am working on here is finding things that cannot be satisfied outside of romantic scene.

I was also concerned that I didn’t have a partner for fun stuff – like going places, watching movies etc. But! Friends are good for it too! And some of those things are as enjoyable by myself as they are in someone’s company.

Another wrongly added item was feel of being on the same emotional wavelength, of shared joy or sadness – but again, this one can be satisfied through other channels – friendship, relatives.

When I worked through the list, I pretty much narrowed it down to:

  • Romantic affection – call it love if you will, or desire or whatnot – the feel of emotional excitement when you’re together.
  • Sex – I am too scared of STD’s as well as physical abuse to go out and look for something that is sex only – so I have to um substitute, but it’s totally not getting anywhere close to the real thing. I am also not sure I would enjoy sex without romantic affection – I only tried it once before, and it didn’t feel right.
  • Improved financial stability – this one is a long-term result, where you start living with someone, but I’ll add it here to be completely honest.

Conclusion – since at this point in my life I don’t seem to be able to find a romantic partner, I should concentrate more on making friends and strengthening the existing relationships. I lost many connections when I immigrated, some were severed when I became an obsessed mom who didn’t want to see anyone spending all her time with the babies, more connections were lost in separation process, some fell off when I became obsessed with dating – now it’s time to change this!