JD and I are a thing again. It’s a long story that I am not ready to put together just yet, but we’ve officially made up last night. I am totally sleep deprived but also happy.
In short, our issue was lack of communication – he was having conversations with me in his head, I was doing the same thing in mine. Created lots of misunderstandings that eventually lead to a breakup. We’ve both been miserable afterwards, but it took two months to start over – as he said last night, maybe we aren’t that different after all – referring to how we are both too anxious and well, inapt in dating. I concur!
I’m pretty certain JD was right behind me on the road today. Turned into the parking lot of a tavern I went to last night. I nearly turned around to go and see if it was indeed him. But I didn’t. My stomach kept churning for some time afterwards though.
I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.
I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.
So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.
I feel weird. I can feel that somewhere deep inside I’m still getting over the JD thing. But it doesn’t come out on the surface at all. I rarely think about the guy, I never try to replay anything from the past – ever since I’ve put together a recollection of what went on the way I now see it right after the breakup, I don’t open that door. But the door Is there. So is the place behind it, where I used to be happy that is now soaking in sadness.
There was a short un-breakup between JD and I that only lasted for two days. My birthday brought it on. Come Sunday I texted him that continuing with what we had started wasn’t healthy for me.
It’s a rather long story. But in short, I could tell what he meant when he said something was missing. It was emotional attachment on his side. Call it love, or fancy or whatnot… But it’s gone.
Sexual appeal and fondness with my smarts and sense of humour are all still there, but the emotional part has extinguished. If it’s gone for good or will rekindle, I don’t know. But this chapter is over for now for sure.
I decided to write down the whole thing – in case I am writing memoirs when I am old and surrounded by multiple grandkids – I also thought it went funny. Tragicomedy.
(He wakes up at eight and tells me he fell asleep on the couch)
– Can I come over?
– Come over? I didn’t realise we were meeting at my place. But sure.
– I want to talk about something.
Upon arrival – he comes in, sits down at the kitchen table:
– I think I don’t want to date you anymore.
– Something is missing. I don’t want to lead you on any further. It’s unfair.
– Which is a bummer, we had a lot of fun together.
– Yes, we did.
– I have some of your stuff in the car. I’ll bring it over.
– Sure. Oh, can I get the name of your cologne?
– PAUSES. LOOKS PUZZLED. Um – my perfume?
– Yes. Yves Saint Laurent something…
– LOOKS EVEN MORE PUZZLED. STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR A PEN. Sure. I can write it down… Or I will text it to you!
– OK. Do I owe you anything? Like any of your stuff?
Hugs me after he brings the stuff from his car. Presses his face against my neck – I push away, we say goodbye. He messages me on Monday (August 7th) – link to his perfume and apologises for not sending it earlier. I thank him. He says I am welcome.
Over a week ago I was analysing how the expression “I’m not a good company” triggered my fear since S. (the Brit woo was my first daily experience after separation) used it shortly before he ditched me.
When JD said “something is missing” yesterday, I realised it sounded very similar to “no butterflies” in S.’s case.
Now, here’s where the similarities get creepy – S. ditched me exactly two years ago! August 4th. Funny!
I saw JD briefly the day before yesterday. Then went out with JM last night – for bowling and beers. Tonight I am supposed to go to movies with JD again. And that’s on a super busy week at work too!
This time around JM was more active in flirting than before (over three months ago!) He didn’t just wink (his all-time favourite flirting tool – super crazy efficient one, right?!), but tried complimenting, called me his dear and even hugged me lightly when we were bowling. The goodbye kiss was somewhat better than the last one as well (although the bar was low).
He was also way chattier, especially after two beers – I forgot that the guy could be this talkative actually. I guess I was always trying to fill the air with my blubbering before.
It was all nice and exciting (the slight guilt pangs spiced up the whole thing for me), but the best part was me staying realistic throughout the whole date – fat chance this guy becomes highly interested in dating anytime soon – and for him and I to have a shot he has to be – the one hour distance between our places is bad enough, the fact that he works crazy hours at his multiple jobs as well as commutes another hour away from my city for his main job make the whole idea of us dating nearly impossible.
Besides my blindly following my own agenda of what I thought would make him happy, the fact that he had been realistic about the above all the time were the two main contributors to our failure last time. Nothing really changed since either. Well, he got divorced, I learned things about how to actually empathise with others – but elephant is still in the room.
So for now he is my pen pal that I may go out with every few months or so. Even if JD story ends, I will go look for a new story to start.
I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.
But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.
Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.
Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.
There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…
PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.
PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.
PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.
I think I have reached a state of a relationship enlightenment – where I am enjoying every minute of it while I am with the guy, then I flip a switch to “normal life” and go on with it and I am accepting of the idea that most likely than not this thing will not last.
The hardest part is the switch-over day though. It’s almost like being stuck between two states – very unstable and emotional.
There has been odd thing about messaging with JD while I was away – frequency of our messaging decreased, he completely stopped showing any affection in the conversations – he’s never been that affectionate to begin with – but now there is none at all.
Oddly enough, I was able to rationalise my way out of fretting over it that much – whether this is just him detaching from everything back home while he’s away on his vacation, or it’s a sign that he intends to quit this thing altogether – it’s not worth worrying about either way – for one, I’ll never know until he’s back, also, even if it is the gloom and doom scenario, I know the drill by now – go back to dating scene, activate flirting with JM – in case of a miraculous event of his bubble walls getting thin enough.
What also helps is distinguishing the fun stuff I do with the guy from the guy himself – yes, I will not be able to afford/do some of it on my own, but on the other hand, I can always do this same stuff (or something entirely different but as enjoyable) with a different person!