Another thing that makes it easy

Getting over a breakup this time around is so easy that I am still trying to figure out what made it so.

I was actually in an exceptionally good mood yesterday. Not the sick feverish mood fuelled by either denial, spite or false hope of “he may yet change his mind” either. Just a healthy contempt mood with a clear realisation of “he’s gone for good”.

It was partly fuelled by my two backups messaging me – JM and my smoking buddy who is also from his town (actually, he’s also Italian and they even look somewhat alike, as well as have other things in common). But mostly because I had so much fun with friends and family over this weekend.

Back to the topic – one of the most important parts (if not the most important one) of a relationship is mutual thrill, excitement and admiration – this piece where you feel warm and fuzzy about a person, feel drawn to them – it also has to have respect, like I wrote few times before – but without it a relationship is doomed. So when JD told me that this part was gone for him, I knew we were through. The only logical thing to do is to drop my end of the thing – otherwise it’s as silly as if you keep holding the phone at your ear long after the other person hung up.

Language is fascinating

Most of the time when we choose words we don’t do it consciously. We just speak. Or write. Or think.

I was texting with my friend yesterday, and used the expression “I got dumped”. And immediately felt something like an itch, or when you’re wearing uncomfortable shoes or clothing.

I reread the post I made here on the subject – and it clicked – breakup is the right word, getting dumped isn’t! 

I’m not an object to feel like someone can dump me. I’m a person with my own will. All that another person can do to me, is quit being in my life. 

Does it hurt? It definitely does so. Like any other loss. You’re upset when you lose your favourite pen/sunglasses/whatnot. Of course you’re sad when a person you had feelings for decides to walk away.

But what differentiates a mature approach to the whole thing from infantile one is that I don’t feel like a victim, don’t accuse the guy of betrayal, don’t feel like I’m broken. Things break. I just feel sad, upset and down. And from experience I know that this, too will pass.

I was also listening to Roxette on my run this morning. I don’t like their after breakup songs anymore at all. All this sitting around, staring at walls, thinking about the guy and hoping he’s thinking about her too crap is well, crap. 

It’s surrendering, it’s self victimisation. Self pity. Gloating over your own misery. 

I have now developed a rehab program that works for me – getting together with friends and family, watching movies, shopping (clothing shopping can be tricky though – I keep swinging between slutty and kinky stuff and dark and ugly stuff), running, cleaning (of all things!!!).

Yet another downward spiral

I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.

But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.

Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.

Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.

There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…

PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.

PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.

PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.

Deja vu

We all have those triggers – where we overreact to something big time – usually not being able to explain why.

Well, that’s one of the benefits of having a blog – I was able to pinpoint my exact trigger for my yesterday panic – in this post from two years ago. Less than a month after that we were history.

Tuesday night I asked JD if we were getting together yesterday (it was the first time I asked for a date too – I decided I could do it after almost four months of seeing him).

He said he’d love to, but he had to get the house ready for Friday and why didn’t we have dinner and watch GoT instead? I replied that I didn’t necessarily asked for an outing, so sure, dinner and show would be great, asking what was up on Friday. Turned out his son was having a surgery and he wanted to get the house ready and welcoming for his recovery.

I suggested cancelling the date or at least cooking or buying us dinner. He said he’d love to have me hang around while he cleaned and that he’d also take care of the dinner. I offered to help with cleaning and wished him goodnight.

Yesterday I messaged him around six asking when I should be coming over. He replied half hour later – saying how he was stuck in traffic forever and how he wasn’t sure – it would be nice to see me but he felt spent and “wouldn’t be great company“. Also contemplated if he should clean up or have a nap (YAWN). All I said was sorry about traffic, let’s cancel tonight. He said OK, apologised and complained about hard day at work.

I think the three things that sent me on a full blown crazy fit were:

  • The “won’t be good company” trigger
  • The fact that it seems that we won’t see each other for almost a month now (which he doesn’t realise yet)
  • His mood swings – where there were only few days between “I love you, I’m so happy” and “I am spent and don’t feel like getting together” – I was able to not join him on his emotional roller coaster before, but something finally dragged me onto it.

Scratch that!

The guy is just somewhat weird (ain’t we all!) – after a week of sterile messaging (no affection demo) I get a frigging storm last night! So much so that I had to quit it at midnight – since I was already at a high risk of sleep deprivation. When it rains, it pours.

I think somewhere along the way the tables have turned, I am actually in control now – on both accounts – but I still question it now and then. And you know how I got there? By boosting my empathy! Understanding what a guy wants and providing that (when and only WHEN he behaves and asks for it!) is the frigging key!

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Back from vacay

I think I have reached a state of a relationship enlightenment – where I am enjoying every minute of it while I am with the guy, then I flip a switch to “normal life” and go on with it and I am accepting of the idea that most likely than not this thing will not last.

The hardest part is the switch-over day though. It’s almost like being stuck between two states – very unstable and emotional.

There has been odd thing about messaging with JD while I was away – frequency of our messaging decreased, he completely stopped showing any affection in the conversations – he’s never been that affectionate to begin with – but now there is none at all.

Oddly enough, I was able to rationalise my way out of fretting over it that much – whether this is just him detaching from everything back home while he’s away on his vacation, or it’s a sign that he intends to quit this thing altogether – it’s not worth worrying about either way – for one, I’ll never know until he’s back, also, even if it is the gloom and doom scenario, I know the drill by now – go back to dating scene, activate flirting with JM – in case of a miraculous event of his bubble walls getting thin enough.

What also helps is distinguishing the fun stuff I do with the guy from the guy himself – yes, I will not be able to afford/do some of it on my own, but on the other hand, I can always do this same stuff (or something entirely different but as enjoyable) with a different person!

I’m still around and kicking

I’m on vacation. It started wonderful, JD and I went to the city on Friday night, had dinner at this nice Italian place, then walked around in the warm downtown, stopped at an Irish pub for few more drinks. After that we took a speedy elevator to the 23rd floor of a hotel with a view of the most prominent landmark in the city.

Next day we went for brunch to this weird place that is a mix of a market and restaurant, with a huge variety of food to select from.

He asked me if I wanted to go see a ball game afterwards. Since I’ve never been to one, I said sure. So we went. It was scorching hot, we sat in the sun, my outfit was wrong, but I enjoyed it all! The atmosphere, his care – he got me a baseball hat, a hair clip and kept buying us beer throughout the whole thing.

We then walked to where he left the car with crowds of fans and went back to our town. Spent the ready of the night at a local Thai place and then on his couch watching GoT.

On Sunday we went to his sister’s place to pick up the trailer he suggested I took for my vacation. The sister lives in this beach town, so we ended up spending most of the day there, walking around town, having lunch there, then we stayed at sister’s for dinner.

We parked the trailer at my place and went back to his. Next morning he went to work and I went packing and shopping for my trip.

He came to my place, hooked up the trailer, and we took off, me in my van pulling the trailer, him following right behind in his truck.

OMG! The way he would stick his truck out a bit to force the oncoming traffic make more space for me, or when we approached this narrow bridge, he went forward and waived me ahead when he made sure it was okay to proceed. Or he blocked the road after we had to stop so that I could safely get on the road from the shoulder. And when we finally got to the park and I realised I had left beer behind, he said he was going to get firewood, but got both instead. Of the five love languages his is definitely acts of care, or whatever it’s called.

And then he asked me if my feelings would be hurt if he went on the camping trip with his kids on his own. Not at all said I. I saw this one coming actually. After we had this weird exchange few weeks ago. It still hurt. It’s a mix of rejection (which it isn’t at all), annoyance with necessity to change my plans yet again and part disappointment, where a guy hastily suggests something and then takes it back. Overpromise and underperform. I get it, on a rational level – the whole idea of camping with both his kids and mine for few days was totally premature! It’s not the way to go about meeting each other’s kids! And still.

Another ouch came when I asked about the for days after his kids were gone from camping. One of them being my birthday. The four days we said we’d go away for, possibly to NYC. Oh, said he, I could totally join him in camping then, he had it booked until Saturday night. Would get a chance to meet everyone. Yay! Camping with bunch of strangers instead of a romantic getaway for birthday… I said I’d think about it.