Being single

It’s weird. I’m learning how to be single. Not by choice, that’s how things turned out to be. At first it was odd. Now I getting used to it. I’m definitely past the point where I wanted somebody to be in my life for the sake of having an imaginary checkmark crossed. Only I want to funnel the energy that got freed up elsewhere. That’ll take some time.

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It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.

I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.

Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.

I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.

Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!

So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.

I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.

PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!

Echoes of feelings passed

They say time heals – very true! The more of it goes by, the less I catch myself at thoughts of: “I should share this one with him, he’ll appreciate” or “He’d totally know the answer to this tricky question on Jeopardy” and so on. It’s like the person (or rather their projection in my mind) is gradually washing out of my system. My pulse stays at its regular rate when my memory stumbles over another reminder, and it doesn’t get as many associations anymore either. Archiving process is under way. Took it some time to trigger in earnest, but now it’s on.

Shades of truth/lies

This new guy I’ve been talking to lately asked me head-on if I were single. An absolutely honest answer to it would be “I’m not sure” or “It’s complicated”. But it sounds weird and well, complicated.

So I went with: “I broke up with the guy I was seeing few weeks ago” – which is, too, an absolutely honest answer. Except for it doesn’t cover the present situation. I think I am getting better at this!

Rebound

The fun, good-looking and amazing guy I so hated sending a breakup text to late October turned out to be wrong for me.

I hooked up with him right after JD was gone. We went to my Christmas party together and have been dating ever since.

I can totally list things that were the reason for me losing interest. In short, it’s the mix of self importance on one hand, where the guy is so certain I’m excited about him, and neediness and clinginess on the other. As my colleague put it, I’m his time filler. 

He’s a nice guy overall, we just have different energy levels in life. He’s trying to boost his off mine. I’ve been married twice to guys like that. I don’t want to date anyone like that anymore.

The only reason I am reluctant to end it is fear. I’m scared I might end up in dicksands again – but on the other hand, I feel like dicksands get quicker the more annoyed I get with this guy.

Poor me (not!)

Was crushed between feelings of disappointment and disgust by myself on one hand and self-pity on the other hand for quite awhile lately. 

Poor me, JM lied to me! How dare he disappoint me! 

Poor me, my sex buddy wouldn’t get together with me on the one day I suggested! How dare he!

Poor me, JD ditched me (again) in a dick move way! How dare he!

Poor me, the new guy (not sure if he’s been mentioned in this blog yet) is clingy, needy and well, too much. How dare he!

Funny how I keep putting the fucking tiara on my head! 

Entitled to anger

Of the six basic emotions – happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust – I guess I was having hardest time with anger. I didn’t let myself feel angry. Anger is something that immediately triggered guilt and regret – as in: I am not allowed to feel that way… It’s wrong!

Fuck that! I’m mad at the douchebag who tried to pin his problems on me! I’m mad at the other guy, who tried to improve his own standing at my expense. It feels so liberating – being angry and not feeling guilty for it!

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So, you’ve been ghosted…

I did some research and self-digging on the topic.

Both the readings and some of my friends’ reaction made me go: WTF?!!! In the part where they go: “it’s not your fault!”, “His loss!” and “it’s especially hard because there’s no closure”.

Yes, rejection sucks. There’s that. But if you feel like it totally crushed you, darlings, you’re either perceiving yourself as the centre of someone else’s universe or else are addicted to love. 

The former goes: How dare he disappear on me?!!! But I loved him! He said he loved me too!!! Trusted him, too!!! Dafuck?!! The truth is, we are all selfish. It’s all about us in the first place. So if he felt he didn’t want to continue with the relationship for whatever reason, and chose this sneaky and wimpy way of getting out, it’s because he felt it was the best way for him. 

As for trust, you cannot fully trust anyone. Not even yourself actually. Trust is something we develop to lull our anxiety. Oh, I know this person won’t do wrong by me, I trust them. Trust builds on past history. But we can only rely on history to a certain extent. The only constant thing is change though. But this post is not on trust.

So the second possible reason for feeling in pieces from ghosting is love addiction. Since ghosting is, by nature just another kind of a breakup.

Love life takes up too much space in your mind. You value it too high.

How do I know? Because I’m recovering from it right now. It’s a hit and miss, whenever I find another guy, I lose my balance again. But I’m learning how to keep it.

I recently went to myself, I like the Stacie-without-a-guy much better than the Stacie-with-a-guy. The latter is a whiny needy selfish bitch! All she does is either think about the guy, look forward to seeing him, talks to her friends about him or whatnot. It all becomes about the guy. 

So I went, wait a minute, my life is so much more than yet another guy! Moreover, no normal guy (let’s not linger on trying to define normal here) will not want to date someone who worships them.

So I forced myself into keeping up the things I’ve been doing sans boyfriend – meeting with friends, spending time with my kids in a meaningful way, staying focused at work… And so on. It’s easier said than done, and I was failing here and there, but practice is the only way to improve any skill.

As for ghosting not having a proper closure, well it actually is a closure. A shitty kind, but still. 

Of all what if scenarios that you can come up with, the option of him (her) dropping off the face of the Earth is the only one that justifies the silence. But even if they did, no one has ever had much success dating dead people either. Realistically, what are the chances they died suddenly (unless you were dating an old fart, then you might as well check with the hospitals in the area), as opposed to them turning out to be a wimp?

Analyse it!

JD and I had a very intense exchange last night that I initiated.

I am still processing – and I also need to concentrate on work today, it’s rush hour at the office this time of the month, but I just wanted to make a note of it. “The thing is that you’re screwed. Because you’re dating a shrink. I can tell when you’re anxious”. He promised to work on staying out of my head, but he kept failing at this last night.

I guess when you’re dating a shrink you are indeed screwed – he not only um fucks you, but also fucks your brain. Interesting!

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