A near miss

I’m pretty certain JD was right behind me on the road today. Turned into the parking lot of a tavern I went to last night. I nearly turned around to go and see if it was indeed him. But I didn’t. My stomach kept churning for some time afterwards though.

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A struggle

I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.

I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.

So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.

Getting into the weeds

I’ve always boasted that I have the precious ability to see the big picture. To raise myself above the situation and see where it belongs on the bigger scale of events.

Guess what? The joke’s on me! With dating I got so obsessed with how, that I totally lost sight of why, what for. My shrink asked me some time ago what I needed a relationship for. I’ve been coming up with multiple answers, listing my needs that only a romantic relationship could satisfy, things a guy had to have to be a good match etc.

But I never looked at it as a big picture question before. As in: what happens if I’m not in a relationship? And the honest answer is – I have no idea! I haven’t been single for fifteen years. And before that I was either “in love” or whatnot. I’ve never EVER been single. 

So here I am, learning how to be single at thirty five. Better late than never I guess. One of the problems it’s that I don’t know anyone who’s single and happily so. The closest to this is a girlfriend who never had much luck with guys, but it’s not due to lack of trying. 

My mom’s been single ever since my dad passed away, but it’s different. She’s been a highly self sufficient person all her life. I’m a social animal. 

Having said that, I know that I have to try out the singlehood. We all fear the unknown. I have to open this can of worms and yet again discover that it’s not that scary. Like anything else in life it’s got to have its advantages. Currently I only know what I won’t have. So to break the unlucky cycle of dating failures, I’ll try out singlehood. Might learn to appreciate my own achievements more and/or quit idealising guys in the process… Who knows!

Am I doing okay?

In a minute of weakness I messaged you last Monday saying I missed you. I immediately regretted it, but oh well.

A week later you message me back, asking if I were okay, apologising for not answering earlier, saying you didn’t want to make it worse for me.

I’m definitely not replying to this pity text. I dropped my self-respect back then, I’ll admit. But it was a fleeing moment, no more. Too many things reminded me of you that weekend and things weren’t going well elsewhere.

I’m good. Not happy, but content. I’m still getting over the breakup, I won’t lie. But as time goes by, I realise how strong and self sufficient I’ve become. I met someone really great for me, but when it was over, I didn’t break down, there was no feeling of huge hurt or deprivation. Just sadness and disappointment. 

Another thing I’m discovering is that I was always in a rush, measuring time in hours or minutes, never weeks or even days. I’m not anymore. If my personal life doesn’t pick up in the next few weeks or even months, it’s all good. I have other things to keep me occupied.

Out of steam

Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.

I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.

I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.

A back burner breakup

I feel weird. I can feel that somewhere deep inside I’m still getting over the JD thing. But it doesn’t come out on the surface at all. I rarely think about the guy, I never try to replay anything from the past – ever since I’ve put together a recollection of what went on the way I now see it right after the breakup, I don’t open that door. But the door Is there. So is the place behind it, where I used to be happy that is now soaking in sadness.

Another thing that makes it easy

Getting over a breakup this time around is so easy that I am still trying to figure out what made it so.

I was actually in an exceptionally good mood yesterday. Not the sick feverish mood fuelled by either denial, spite or false hope of “he may yet change his mind” either. Just a healthy contempt mood with a clear realisation of “he’s gone for good”.

It was partly fuelled by my two backups messaging me – JM and my smoking buddy who is also from his town (actually, he’s also Italian and they even look somewhat alike, as well as have other things in common). But mostly because I had so much fun with friends and family over this weekend.

Back to the topic – one of the most important parts (if not the most important one) of a relationship is mutual thrill, excitement and admiration – this piece where you feel warm and fuzzy about a person, feel drawn to them – it also has to have respect, like I wrote few times before – but without it a relationship is doomed. So when JD told me that this part was gone for him, I knew we were through. The only logical thing to do is to drop my end of the thing – otherwise it’s as silly as if you keep holding the phone at your ear long after the other person hung up.

Language is fascinating

Most of the time when we choose words we don’t do it consciously. We just speak. Or write. Or think.

I was texting with my friend yesterday, and used the expression “I got dumped”. And immediately felt something like an itch, or when you’re wearing uncomfortable shoes or clothing.

I reread the post I made here on the subject – and it clicked – breakup is the right word, getting dumped isn’t! 

I’m not an object to feel like someone can dump me. I’m a person with my own will. All that another person can do to me, is quit being in my life. 

Does it hurt? It definitely does so. Like any other loss. You’re upset when you lose your favourite pen/sunglasses/whatnot. Of course you’re sad when a person you had feelings for decides to walk away.

But what differentiates a mature approach to the whole thing from infantile one is that I don’t feel like a victim, don’t accuse the guy of betrayal, don’t feel like I’m broken. Things break. I just feel sad, upset and down. And from experience I know that this, too will pass.

I was also listening to Roxette on my run this morning. I don’t like their after breakup songs anymore at all. All this sitting around, staring at walls, thinking about the guy and hoping he’s thinking about her too crap is well, crap. 

It’s surrendering, it’s self victimisation. Self pity. Gloating over your own misery. 

I have now developed a rehab program that works for me – getting together with friends and family, watching movies, shopping (clothing shopping can be tricky though – I keep swinging between slutty and kinky stuff and dark and ugly stuff), running, cleaning (of all things!!!).

Yet another downward spiral

I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.

But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.

Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.

Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.

There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…

PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.

PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.

PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.