I was such an idiot over the few months where I was still hopeful about JM! I am so mad at my past self!

We had another messaging round last night – triggered by my change of userpic and signature in the messenger we use – I said I drove standard again after eight years. Almost instantaneously he asked me if I bought a new car or if it was my bf’s.

All I did in response was send him a link to the car I drove. A small talk followed, then I quit the conversation.

Later last night he started yet another round of “flirting”, when I didn’t react the way I used to – with lots of excitement and enthusiasm – but just went with yeah, blah – he went he missed me, he was often remembering the night we spent together and all that jazz.

I knew those were all his fantasies by now – he’s not ready for any real life actions – spoken from months of experience – so I shut him down with “I thought the distance was an insurmountable obstacle” – and when he admitted it was a problem, I just agreed and went to bed.

Staying in the realm of reality and seeing through words to know what the situation is really like helps a ton and is very empowering – I stay in control of myself and my emotions. I may write another post on how this skill helped me stay in control over a bigger bump I recently had in my current relationship.

PS I am not interested in JM anymore. He IS now no more than a guinea pig, an interesting specimen of a guy who is deep frozen in romance area. Now that I have a normal relationship under my belt, it’s so clear and obvious!

PPS I have no idea how I missed the part before, but the guy seems to be so certain that should he just lure, I’ll rush to his side and make myself available for him – whoa! Such a catch!

Whoa! The guard is down!

I didn’t even realised there was one until last night! All this time since I have no idea when I was wearing a protective guard over my heart I guess is the best word.

I believe that it was a trust issue, I thought of myself as trusting, but in fact I confused two things, emotional and trusting.

I neither trusted guys, nor myself with them. So part of my brain was always vigilant. Watching everything, analysing, trying to provide advice and guidance. (Not that I would listen to it in the end).

Good things, all of these, but not when it comes to sex! It’s way, and I mean WAAAAY better with a total brain shut-off. For the record, I’ve been loving sex for the last two years. 

A very intense and powerful relaxation follows. (Nope, it’s not me discovering orgasm either, get these a lot 😏). My ever present background noise of worrying, observing my surroundings and so on was gone. Sooooo quiet!!! 

What scares me the most…

Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.

So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!

Two months

JD and I have been dating for two months today. This bean counter did some math – we’ve been on thirteen dates by now. Which is an unusual frequency for me. So is the fact that I’ve already met part of his family – his daughter, as well as two of three of his siblings with their spouses.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this story. I had few instances where my anxiety demon stirred, but all of them were false alarm ones. Mostly they were caused by the “too good to be true” concept.

We seem to get along well, enjoy each other’s company and have fun. That is all that matters, right?

I am trying to control my affection – slow it down between the dates, rev it up when I am around him – I have been somewhat successful in that. I am proud of myself, it’s quite an achievement for this messed up lady.

I’m also learning from this relationship – how to be caring without becoming proprietary and territorial, how to trust and enjoy my partner’s enjoyment. The last one is quite powerful – it’s like when you set two mirrors in front of each other – and you get reflections of reflections of reflections. We have established that we’re both givers – and that is frigging amazing, when no one is holding back or tries to demand anything in return for their inputs. Nor am I trying to push my agenda on him – I want to make sure we both enjoy whatever we are up to.

Another great thing about it is that I almost never fret over “So what’s next?!!” – which used to be so me before. If the answer is ‘nothing’, so be it. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, I’ll move on if it ends.

A recipe for a successful relationship

It’s simple, but it’s hard to follow – Respect + Self-respect.

JD said something in passing another day –I am not someone who would let others treat me wrongly.

Little does he know!

However, that’s the key – if you have no self-respect, people won’t respect you – they may feel sorry for you, like you, whatnot – but respect comes from self-respect. As E.M. Remarque once said, pity is the flip side of despise. Once you are ready to trade your pride, your feel of self-worth for anything (in my case – for a guy’s approval, favours), you betray yourself. A person like that can’t possibly gain respect from others.

Same is true for respect for the person you’re seeing – if you don’t respect them, they will either walk away (if their self-respect is in place), or else they will start humiliating themselves just to make you stay longer. Which will cause you to respect them even less.

Another funny thing is that if you don’t have self-respect, you don’t know how to respect others either. It’s a two-way street that starts from self. Like so many other things.

So from now on my first and foremost test for any decision is – does it pass the respect smell-test? An easy way to run it according to the psychology blog on relationships I’ve been reading for some time now – is asking myself if I would want my daughter to do what I am about to do. If the answer is no, then I’ll pass.