Who am I kidding?!

Who to fuck am I kidding?!!! 😡

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I’m truly trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, believing that you were indeed crazy busy with the presentation in the last few days.

So much so that you wouldn’t message me at all, and only answer to my ping once.

But by now I’m not men dumb anymore, and I think that most likely, you are about to break up with me yet again. 

I get it, I was too quick to take you back in, I was weak, wanting to believe in a frickin fairytale. But as we know, those never happen in real life.

Washington was fun. I won’t regret going with you, no matter how things turn out.

If you show up tomorrow, tell me you missed me, ask me out, this post will be evidence of me overreacting yet again.

But if you don’t, I will learn this lesson and hopefully get yet another bit wiser. “You live, you learn”.

Either way, I wish you all the best, hopefully you find happiness and the right person for you. 

PS I love you.

Mmmm

I ended up not going to a concert I bought a ticket for months ago – school and work both were getting in the way – but got a very nice compensation – great chat with a girlfriend and an impromptu date with JD – I love those – they’re spicy! Yum!

By the way, life’s so much easier and fun when I kick my anxiety’s ass for a change!

Analyse it!

JD and I had a very intense exchange last night that I initiated.

I am still processing – and I also need to concentrate on work today, it’s rush hour at the office this time of the month, but I just wanted to make a note of it. “The thing is that you’re screwed. Because you’re dating a shrink. I can tell when you’re anxious”. He promised to work on staying out of my head, but he kept failing at this last night.

I guess when you’re dating a shrink you are indeed screwed – he not only um fucks you, but also fucks your brain. Interesting!

giphy

 

Fun in DC

I went to DC to meet with JD there. He was attending a conference and flew down last Monday, I drove there on Wednesday. We spent the rest of the week together.

Thursday he still attended the conference and I explored on my own. Friday and Saturday we spent full days together – having lots of fun exploring, biking, eating great food and drinks.

He decided to join me on my drive back instead of flying – even though he couldn’t reach the carrier to cancel his ticket. He thanked me for the drive later, said he was glad he joined me, it was lots of fun.

I felt that there was more trust building between us on this trip. I definitely enjoyed his company. I even let myself show my grumpy side to him – which is a new experience to me – I usually feel obliged to be the ever-positive thing around guys.

Smart move!

I’ll give it to the guy, he knows how to get something he wants.

I am pretty sure that my smoking was bugging him. He wouldn’t admit it directly, far from that – even smoked with me.

But when I tried quitting at some point, he was super supportive. When I told him I would like to try switching to vaping, he pretty much dragged me into a vaping store, and again, was all excitement about the whole concept.

The result – I’ve been vaping for three days now, I appreciate his support, but I don’t feel like I gave up something to please him. 

A hard good-bye

I’ve been messaging with this smart, intelligent, good looking, funny guy for the last three weeks or so. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me as well. Today I sent him a goodbye message. Took me some courage to do so. 

Not because it would hurt him, I’m sure it didn’t, after all, we only messaged. 

I made a conscious decision to try dating JD without any backup plans this time. No matter how illusory. Feeling like a backup may be needed is a bad symptom. Sign of insecurity. Sign of inability to trust someone entirely. In short, it’s a way into destabilising the whole thing without even realising that you’re doing it.

I’m not saying this was The Reason for the breakup, rather one of the symptoms that the way I approached our relationship wasn’t that healthy. I’m not trying to take blame for what happened before either, just attempting to improve chances of success this time around.