Being single

It’s weird. I’m learning how to be single. Not by choice, that’s how things turned out to be. At first it was odd. Now I getting used to it. I’m definitely past the point where I wanted somebody to be in my life for the sake of having an imaginary checkmark crossed. Only I want to funnel the energy that got freed up elsewhere. That’ll take some time.

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That was fast!

Seems like the E. chapter is coming to an end. That was a short one. Oh well. I try my best to not get discouraged, but it seems harder with every other chapter.

I’m so glad I blocked JD though.

Few fun days in a row

Thursday night I went out for dinner with my girlfriend. We ended up going to a tavern to listen to a band that she likes. Told E. about our plans and asked if he’d like to join us (since he’s a big music nerd). He came and we stayed at the place until midnight, the band was really good!

Friday night he invited me to this backyard birthday party at his neighbour’s. Very redneck – with beers, a bonfire of pallets and all that. It was fun, although short – rain picked up and we had to flee.

We spent Saturday night at this fancy charitable dinner event – where there was great food, I got to dress up and dance my legs off. Turns out E. is a good dancer. We went to an after party with some of his colleagues afterwards – didn’t turn in until three in the morning. Next day I took him to his car that we left at the dinner venue and went on to work at the plant for five hours. There was a somewhat awkward episode where I invited him to my place to wait for me to grab my uniforms, leaving him alone with my mom, but I think it went well.

Also, he was so cute on Sunday morning – suggesting I may want to eat before we leave, I was so distracted that I forgot all about food.

A new chapter

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

I’ve started seeing this new guy few weeks ago. He messaged me on Match saying that his subscription was running out shortly, so he gave me his number and some details about himself and suggested I messaged him if I was interested.

Let’s call him E. We’ve messaged some, I was still stuck in the JD closure thing, so I wasn’t that excited.

We went rock climbing one Friday night and continued with beers at a cozy place in town.

Turned out he was more attractive than in good profile pictures, and a nice conversation partner, although somewhat shy.

We went for another date shortly after, which I so totally can’t remember, lol.

We were supposed to meet on a Wednesday after a child free weekend for both of us, it was his son’s birthday, so he asked if I was okay to meet around 7:30. When he messaged me the day of the date asking if 8 would be okay, I said it was a tad late and wished him to have a great time with his boy and family. No hard feelings (the latter wasn’t said, of course).

Next date was at Moxie’s, one of my favourites, this time we kissed at parting, and it wasn’t a great kiss at all.

I still decided to give him another try and went over to his place for dinner. He doesn’t cook much, so the full blown dinner was a lot of effort on his part. He made a full recovery later that night, kissing and other.

The following day (yesterday) we went to a batting practice and roller skating afterwards, followed by drinks at a restaurant, I didn’t get home until just before two in the morning.

Echoes of feelings passed

They say time heals – very true! The more of it goes by, the less I catch myself at thoughts of: “I should share this one with him, he’ll appreciate” or “He’d totally know the answer to this tricky question on Jeopardy” and so on. It’s like the person (or rather their projection in my mind) is gradually washing out of my system. My pulse stays at its regular rate when my memory stumbles over another reminder, and it doesn’t get as many associations anymore either. Archiving process is under way. Took it some time to trigger in earnest, but now it’s on.

Update

I’ve abandoned this blog, or so it seems.

JD and I have been on another round from around Valentine’s day. It doesn’t seem to be going well at all, now I really doubt this thing can succeed at all.

I’m not calling it a relationship on purpose, since couple dates and as many booty calls don’t make up for one. Three years of dating have taught me one thing for sure – a clear view of what’s going on prevents me from hurting.

Realising that the guy isn’t that into you doesn’t provide for a warm and fuzzy feeling for sure, yet it allows for developing a more calculated approach to the situation as well as takes care of unpleasant surprises that are bound to occur when reality and illusions clash.

Shades of truth/lies

This new guy I’ve been talking to lately asked me head-on if I were single. An absolutely honest answer to it would be “I’m not sure” or “It’s complicated”. But it sounds weird and well, complicated.

So I went with: “I broke up with the guy I was seeing few weeks ago” – which is, too, an absolutely honest answer. Except for it doesn’t cover the present situation. I think I am getting better at this!

Rebound

The fun, good-looking and amazing guy I so hated sending a breakup text to late October turned out to be wrong for me.

I hooked up with him right after JD was gone. We went to my Christmas party together and have been dating ever since.

I can totally list things that were the reason for me losing interest. In short, it’s the mix of self importance on one hand, where the guy is so certain I’m excited about him, and neediness and clinginess on the other. As my colleague put it, I’m his time filler. 

He’s a nice guy overall, we just have different energy levels in life. He’s trying to boost his off mine. I’ve been married twice to guys like that. I don’t want to date anyone like that anymore.

The only reason I am reluctant to end it is fear. I’m scared I might end up in dicksands again – but on the other hand, I feel like dicksands get quicker the more annoyed I get with this guy.