I’ve abandoned this blog, or so it seems.
JD and I have been on another round from around Valentine’s day. It doesn’t seem to be going well at all, now I really doubt this thing can succeed at all.
I’m not calling it a relationship on purpose, since couple dates and as many booty calls don’t make up for one. Three years of dating have taught me one thing for sure – a clear view of what’s going on prevents me from hurting.
Realising that the guy isn’t that into you doesn’t provide for a warm and fuzzy feeling for sure, yet it allows for developing a more calculated approach to the situation as well as takes care of unpleasant surprises that are bound to occur when reality and illusions clash.
This new guy I’ve been talking to lately asked me head-on if I were single. An absolutely honest answer to it would be “I’m not sure” or “It’s complicated”. But it sounds weird and well, complicated.
So I went with: “I broke up with the guy I was seeing few weeks ago” – which is, too, an absolutely honest answer. Except for it doesn’t cover the present situation. I think I am getting better at this!
The fun, good-looking and amazing guy I so hated sending a breakup text to late October turned out to be wrong for me.
I hooked up with him right after JD was gone. We went to my Christmas party together and have been dating ever since.
I can totally list things that were the reason for me losing interest. In short, it’s the mix of self importance on one hand, where the guy is so certain I’m excited about him, and neediness and clinginess on the other. As my colleague put it, I’m his time filler.
He’s a nice guy overall, we just have different energy levels in life. He’s trying to boost his off mine. I’ve been married twice to guys like that. I don’t want to date anyone like that anymore.
The only reason I am reluctant to end it is fear. I’m scared I might end up in dicksands again – but on the other hand, I feel like dicksands get quicker the more annoyed I get with this guy.
Was crushed between feelings of disappointment and disgust by myself on one hand and self-pity on the other hand for quite awhile lately.
Poor me, JM lied to me! How dare he disappoint me!
Poor me, my sex buddy wouldn’t get together with me on the one day I suggested! How dare he!
Poor me, JD ditched me (again) in a dick move way! How dare he!
Poor me, the new guy (not sure if he’s been mentioned in this blog yet) is clingy, needy and well, too much. How dare he!
Funny how I keep putting the fucking tiara on my head!
Just like I predicted, a Merry Xmas text arrived on Saturday – with a very flattering wording of: OK, I’m drunk and I’ve had a cigarette, but I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.
As if I need his pity.
Too bad I had few drinks myself and replied. Oh well.
Next steps – he’ll be pinging me again sometime. A week – maybe two?
Who to fuck am I kidding?!!! 😡
I wanna take that! Just pause my life and chill. I wish I had the luxury of chilling. I feel like I’m rushing all the time. Whereas I’m in a desperate need for a break and regroup. It gained momentum and keeps rolling, no matter what I do. I still have controls, for sure, I just don’t have time to get things done. Ugh!
” You don’t really wanna stay, no
But you don’t really wanna go”
“You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down”
“Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar”
The latter is soooo bang on!!!!
I’m truly trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, believing that you were indeed crazy busy with the presentation in the last few days.
So much so that you wouldn’t message me at all, and only answer to my ping once.
But by now I’m not men dumb anymore, and I think that most likely, you are about to break up with me yet again.
I get it, I was too quick to take you back in, I was weak, wanting to believe in a frickin fairytale. But as we know, those never happen in real life.
Washington was fun. I won’t regret going with you, no matter how things turn out.
If you show up tomorrow, tell me you missed me, ask me out, this post will be evidence of me overreacting yet again.
But if you don’t, I will learn this lesson and hopefully get yet another bit wiser. “You live, you learn”.
Either way, I wish you all the best, hopefully you find happiness and the right person for you.
PS I love you.