Yours truly, drama central

JD and I are a thing again. It’s a long story that I am not ready to put together just yet, but we’ve officially made up last night. I am totally sleep deprived but also happy.

In short, our issue was lack of communication – he was having conversations with me in his head, I was doing the same thing in mine. Created lots of misunderstandings that eventually lead to a breakup. We’ve both been miserable afterwards, but it took two months to start over – as he said last night, maybe we aren’t that different after all – referring to how we are both too anxious and well, inapt in dating. I concur!

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A struggle

I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.

I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.

So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.

Am I doing okay?

In a minute of weakness I messaged you last Monday saying I missed you. I immediately regretted it, but oh well.

A week later you message me back, asking if I were okay, apologising for not answering earlier, saying you didn’t want to make it worse for me.

I’m definitely not replying to this pity text. I dropped my self-respect back then, I’ll admit. But it was a fleeing moment, no more. Too many things reminded me of you that weekend and things weren’t going well elsewhere.

I’m good. Not happy, but content. I’m still getting over the breakup, I won’t lie. But as time goes by, I realise how strong and self sufficient I’ve become. I met someone really great for me, but when it was over, I didn’t break down, there was no feeling of huge hurt or deprivation. Just sadness and disappointment. 

Another thing I’m discovering is that I was always in a rush, measuring time in hours or minutes, never weeks or even days. I’m not anymore. If my personal life doesn’t pick up in the next few weeks or even months, it’s all good. I have other things to keep me occupied.

Out of steam

Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.

I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.

I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.

A back burner breakup

I feel weird. I can feel that somewhere deep inside I’m still getting over the JD thing. But it doesn’t come out on the surface at all. I rarely think about the guy, I never try to replay anything from the past – ever since I’ve put together a recollection of what went on the way I now see it right after the breakup, I don’t open that door. But the door Is there. So is the place behind it, where I used to be happy that is now soaking in sadness.

A short update

There was a short un-breakup between JD and I that only lasted for two days. My birthday brought it on. Come Sunday I texted him that continuing with what we had started wasn’t healthy for me.
It’s a rather long story. But in short, I could tell what he meant when he said something was missing. It was emotional attachment on his side. Call it love, or fancy or whatnot… But it’s gone.

Sexual appeal and fondness with my smarts and sense of humour are all still there, but the emotional part has extinguished. If it’s gone for good or will rekindle, I don’t know. But this chapter is over for now for sure.

Breakup chronicle

I decided to write down the whole thing – in case I am writing memoirs when I am old and surrounded by multiple grandkids – I also thought it went funny. Tragicomedy.

(He wakes up at eight and tells me he fell asleep on the couch)
– Can I come over?
– Come over? I didn’t realise we were meeting at my place. But sure.
– I want to talk about something.
– Sure.

Upon arrival – he comes in, sits down at the kitchen table:

– I think I don’t want to date you anymore.
– OK.
– Something is missing. I don’t want to lead you on any further. It’s unfair.
– OK.
– Which is a bummer, we had a lot of fun together.
– Yes, we did.
– I have some of your stuff in the car. I’ll bring it over.
– Sure. Oh, can I get the name of your cologne?
– PAUSES. LOOKS PUZZLED. Um – my perfume?
– Yes. Yves Saint Laurent something… 
  LOOKS EVEN MORE PUZZLED. STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR A PEN. Sure. I can write it down… Or I will text it to you!
– OK. Do I owe you anything? Like any of your stuff?
– No.

Hugs me after he brings the stuff from his car. Presses his face against my neck – I push away, we say goodbye. He messages me on Monday (August 7th) – link to his perfume and apologises for not sending it earlier. I thank him. He says I am welcome.

Another thing that makes it easy

Getting over a breakup this time around is so easy that I am still trying to figure out what made it so.

I was actually in an exceptionally good mood yesterday. Not the sick feverish mood fuelled by either denial, spite or false hope of “he may yet change his mind” either. Just a healthy contempt mood with a clear realisation of “he’s gone for good”.

It was partly fuelled by my two backups messaging me – JM and my smoking buddy who is also from his town (actually, he’s also Italian and they even look somewhat alike, as well as have other things in common). But mostly because I had so much fun with friends and family over this weekend.

Back to the topic – one of the most important parts (if not the most important one) of a relationship is mutual thrill, excitement and admiration – this piece where you feel warm and fuzzy about a person, feel drawn to them – it also has to have respect, like I wrote few times before – but without it a relationship is doomed. So when JD told me that this part was gone for him, I knew we were through. The only logical thing to do is to drop my end of the thing – otherwise it’s as silly as if you keep holding the phone at your ear long after the other person hung up.