Who am I kidding?!

Who to fuck am I kidding?!!! 😡

Advertisements

SSDD

(Same shit different day).

Received a breakup email yesterday. So technically it wasn’t ghosting. Yay I guess! Next time I’m asking for a stamp card. LMFAO! 

Seriously though, good riddance. The guy reminded me of my ex so badly on this email, where he turns everything upside down and blames me for his own issues, that I am now glad it’s over.

So, you’ve been ghosted…

I did some research and self-digging on the topic.

Both the readings and some of my friends’ reaction made me go: WTF?!!! In the part where they go: “it’s not your fault!”, “His loss!” and “it’s especially hard because there’s no closure”.

Yes, rejection sucks. There’s that. But if you feel like it totally crushed you, darlings, you’re either perceiving yourself as the centre of someone else’s universe or else are addicted to love. 

The former goes: How dare he disappear on me?!!! But I loved him! He said he loved me too!!! Trusted him, too!!! Dafuck?!! The truth is, we are all selfish. It’s all about us in the first place. So if he felt he didn’t want to continue with the relationship for whatever reason, and chose this sneaky and wimpy way of getting out, it’s because he felt it was the best way for him. 

As for trust, you cannot fully trust anyone. Not even yourself actually. Trust is something we develop to lull our anxiety. Oh, I know this person won’t do wrong by me, I trust them. Trust builds on past history. But we can only rely on history to a certain extent. The only constant thing is change though. But this post is not on trust.

So the second possible reason for feeling in pieces from ghosting is love addiction. Since ghosting is, by nature just another kind of a breakup.

Love life takes up too much space in your mind. You value it too high.

How do I know? Because I’m recovering from it right now. It’s a hit and miss, whenever I find another guy, I lose my balance again. But I’m learning how to keep it.

I recently went to myself, I like the Stacie-without-a-guy much better than the Stacie-with-a-guy. The latter is a whiny needy selfish bitch! All she does is either think about the guy, look forward to seeing him, talks to her friends about him or whatnot. It all becomes about the guy. 

So I went, wait a minute, my life is so much more than yet another guy! Moreover, no normal guy (let’s not linger on trying to define normal here) will not want to date someone who worships them.

So I forced myself into keeping up the things I’ve been doing sans boyfriend – meeting with friends, spending time with my kids in a meaningful way, staying focused at work… And so on. It’s easier said than done, and I was failing here and there, but practice is the only way to improve any skill.

As for ghosting not having a proper closure, well it actually is a closure. A shitty kind, but still. 

Of all what if scenarios that you can come up with, the option of him (her) dropping off the face of the Earth is the only one that justifies the silence. But even if they did, no one has ever had much success dating dead people either. Realistically, what are the chances they died suddenly (unless you were dating an old fart, then you might as well check with the hospitals in the area), as opposed to them turning out to be a wimp?

I’m truly trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, believing that you were indeed crazy busy with the presentation in the last few days.

So much so that you wouldn’t message me at all, and only answer to my ping once.

But by now I’m not men dumb anymore, and I think that most likely, you are about to break up with me yet again. 

I get it, I was too quick to take you back in, I was weak, wanting to believe in a frickin fairytale. But as we know, those never happen in real life.

Washington was fun. I won’t regret going with you, no matter how things turn out.

If you show up tomorrow, tell me you missed me, ask me out, this post will be evidence of me overreacting yet again.

But if you don’t, I will learn this lesson and hopefully get yet another bit wiser. “You live, you learn”.

Either way, I wish you all the best, hopefully you find happiness and the right person for you. 

PS I love you.

Mmmm

I ended up not going to a concert I bought a ticket for months ago – school and work both were getting in the way – but got a very nice compensation – great chat with a girlfriend and an impromptu date with JD – I love those – they’re spicy! Yum!

By the way, life’s so much easier and fun when I kick my anxiety’s ass for a change!

Analyse it!

JD and I had a very intense exchange last night that I initiated.

I am still processing – and I also need to concentrate on work today, it’s rush hour at the office this time of the month, but I just wanted to make a note of it. “The thing is that you’re screwed. Because you’re dating a shrink. I can tell when you’re anxious”. He promised to work on staying out of my head, but he kept failing at this last night.

I guess when you’re dating a shrink you are indeed screwed – he not only um fucks you, but also fucks your brain. Interesting!

giphy

 

Fun in DC

I went to DC to meet with JD there. He was attending a conference and flew down last Monday, I drove there on Wednesday. We spent the rest of the week together.

Thursday he still attended the conference and I explored on my own. Friday and Saturday we spent full days together – having lots of fun exploring, biking, eating great food and drinks.

He decided to join me on my drive back instead of flying – even though he couldn’t reach the carrier to cancel his ticket. He thanked me for the drive later, said he was glad he joined me, it was lots of fun.

I felt that there was more trust building between us on this trip. I definitely enjoyed his company. I even let myself show my grumpy side to him – which is a new experience to me – I usually feel obliged to be the ever-positive thing around guys.

Smart move!

I’ll give it to the guy, he knows how to get something he wants.

I am pretty sure that my smoking was bugging him. He wouldn’t admit it directly, far from that – even smoked with me.

But when I tried quitting at some point, he was super supportive. When I told him I would like to try switching to vaping, he pretty much dragged me into a vaping store, and again, was all excitement about the whole concept.

The result – I’ve been vaping for three days now, I appreciate his support, but I don’t feel like I gave up something to please him.