When you squelch your anxiety

Life doesn’t begin at the end of your comfort zone, it begins when you manage to reign in your anxiety. When you don’t have all those questions of “what’s next”, “what’s going on”, “will it last” rushing through your head, you are able to fully enjoy the moment. And it’s magical!

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It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.

I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.

Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.

I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.

Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!

So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.

I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.

PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!

Update

I’ve abandoned this blog, or so it seems.

JD and I have been on another round from around Valentine’s day. It doesn’t seem to be going well at all, now I really doubt this thing can succeed at all.

I’m not calling it a relationship on purpose, since couple dates and as many booty calls don’t make up for one. Three years of dating have taught me one thing for sure – a clear view of what’s going on prevents me from hurting.

Realising that the guy isn’t that into you doesn’t provide for a warm and fuzzy feeling for sure, yet it allows for developing a more calculated approach to the situation as well as takes care of unpleasant surprises that are bound to occur when reality and illusions clash.

Rebound

The fun, good-looking and amazing guy I so hated sending a breakup text to late October turned out to be wrong for me.

I hooked up with him right after JD was gone. We went to my Christmas party together and have been dating ever since.

I can totally list things that were the reason for me losing interest. In short, it’s the mix of self importance on one hand, where the guy is so certain I’m excited about him, and neediness and clinginess on the other. As my colleague put it, I’m his time filler. 

He’s a nice guy overall, we just have different energy levels in life. He’s trying to boost his off mine. I’ve been married twice to guys like that. I don’t want to date anyone like that anymore.

The only reason I am reluctant to end it is fear. I’m scared I might end up in dicksands again – but on the other hand, I feel like dicksands get quicker the more annoyed I get with this guy.

Poor me (not!)

Was crushed between feelings of disappointment and disgust by myself on one hand and self-pity on the other hand for quite awhile lately. 

Poor me, JM lied to me! How dare he disappoint me! 

Poor me, my sex buddy wouldn’t get together with me on the one day I suggested! How dare he!

Poor me, JD ditched me (again) in a dick move way! How dare he!

Poor me, the new guy (not sure if he’s been mentioned in this blog yet) is clingy, needy and well, too much. How dare he!

Funny how I keep putting the fucking tiara on my head! 

Entitled to anger

Of the six basic emotions – happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust – I guess I was having hardest time with anger. I didn’t let myself feel angry. Anger is something that immediately triggered guilt and regret – as in: I am not allowed to feel that way… It’s wrong!

Fuck that! I’m mad at the douchebag who tried to pin his problems on me! I’m mad at the other guy, who tried to improve his own standing at my expense. It feels so liberating – being angry and not feeling guilty for it!

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