Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.
I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.
I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.
The date last Thursday went alright. He’s been more on the asking side, I’ve found a number of similarities with G. Definitely a G.2.
Unlike the first time, not only do I see his moves, but also what he’s trying to accomplish. Also see through all his BS.
All in all, he’s a good distraction, fun and smart, no more. He asked me out again. And since he’s a good kisser, I’m going. Also bought me a coffee today, called first and asked me about my preference too.
We agreed to go for a drink on Thursday. JM said that Thursday worked for him too, but a. if I wait for the guy, I’ll die without much action and b. I can squeeze both in one evening. I’m a master planner!
Getting over a breakup this time around is so easy that I am still trying to figure out what made it so.
I was actually in an exceptionally good mood yesterday. Not the sick feverish mood fuelled by either denial, spite or false hope of “he may yet change his mind” either. Just a healthy contempt mood with a clear realisation of “he’s gone for good”.
It was partly fuelled by my two backups messaging me – JM and my smoking buddy who is also from his town (actually, he’s also Italian and they even look somewhat alike, as well as have other things in common). But mostly because I had so much fun with friends and family over this weekend.
Back to the topic – one of the most important parts (if not the most important one) of a relationship is mutual thrill, excitement and admiration – this piece where you feel warm and fuzzy about a person, feel drawn to them – it also has to have respect, like I wrote few times before – but without it a relationship is doomed. So when JD told me that this part was gone for him, I knew we were through. The only logical thing to do is to drop my end of the thing – otherwise it’s as silly as if you keep holding the phone at your ear long after the other person hung up.
I guess it takes the lowest low to assess one’s progress. Two years ago I was in shards and shreds. G. took advantage of it and I ended up in a six months of bullshit sex only.
Sounds like I blame him, right? Not at all. I was the one who felt like a hurt sheep and let a wolf who donned a sheep’s skin approach me.
I’m not doing it again. I only shed few tears so far. And this time I think I had more reasons – the guy shortened the distance way further than anyone before him.
And yet, I’m relatively alright. I did pick up smoking again and drank few beers. Was also more hopeful about JM than I had in a few months… But now I’m mostly relying on my friends, not a guy to support me through my recovery. So far so good.
I saw JD briefly the day before yesterday. Then went out with JM last night – for bowling and beers. Tonight I am supposed to go to movies with JD again. And that’s on a super busy week at work too!
This time around JM was more active in flirting than before (over three months ago!) He didn’t just wink (his all-time favourite flirting tool – super crazy efficient one, right?!), but tried complimenting, called me his dear and even hugged me lightly when we were bowling. The goodbye kiss was somewhat better than the last one as well (although the bar was low).
He was also way chattier, especially after two beers – I forgot that the guy could be this talkative actually. I guess I was always trying to fill the air with my blubbering before.
It was all nice and exciting (the slight guilt pangs spiced up the whole thing for me), but the best part was me staying realistic throughout the whole date – fat chance this guy becomes highly interested in dating anytime soon – and for him and I to have a shot he has to be – the one hour distance between our places is bad enough, the fact that he works crazy hours at his multiple jobs as well as commutes another hour away from my city for his main job make the whole idea of us dating nearly impossible.
Besides my blindly following my own agenda of what I thought would make him happy, the fact that he had been realistic about the above all the time were the two main contributors to our failure last time. Nothing really changed since either. Well, he got divorced, I learned things about how to actually empathise with others – but elephant is still in the room.
So for now he is my pen pal that I may go out with every few months or so. Even if JD story ends, I will go look for a new story to start.
JD and I got together last Saturday night and ended up spending most of yesterday together as well (I had to step out for a meeting with a girlfriend).
He asked me to come over on Saturday after he spent over fifteen hours driving home.
I think I am finally over my dating related anxiety, at least with him. It doesn’t mean I stopped overthinking or worrying or fretting over stuff entirely, only that I don’t do it as often and when I do, I can control it.
There was whole lot of compliments and love confessions from him flying around on Saturday night, but since the following morning he wasn’t able to remember what went on after a certain point (he didn’t account for his tiredness so the booze got the best of him), I am hugely discounting all those statements.
Yesterday he said he was considering going to home sit his friend’s house in CA for the long weekend in August. I realised it meant that I won’t probably see him for the most of the month (between my schedule of kids’ weekends, and his vacation with kids in the middle of it we won’t get together until end of third week of August).
I also realised that a. he has no idea – since I haven’t told him about my decision not to go camping with him yet; b. he may still invite me to join him on the trip to CA (we’ve discussed such probability before, only we talked about this coming weekend) and c. space that is created by being apart is as important for a relationship as oxygen is for breathing.
And I can spend time without him and actually truly enjoy it – it’s a different kind of fun, but it’s still fun!!!
So instead of either whining and laying all of the above out for him or asking if we would like me to come with him, I said nothing – my favourite tactics lately – as in: When in doubt, say nothing!
PS I just did some housecleaning – erased the whole chat with JM. Meaning I value what JD and I have enough to make effort not to ruin it with my own silliness.
The guy is just somewhat weird (ain’t we all!) – after a week of sterile messaging (no affection demo) I get a frigging storm last night! So much so that I had to quit it at midnight – since I was already at a high risk of sleep deprivation. When it rains, it pours.
I think somewhere along the way the tables have turned, I am actually in control now – on both accounts – but I still question it now and then. And you know how I got there? By boosting my empathy! Understanding what a guy wants and providing that (when and only WHEN he behaves and asks for it!) is the frigging key!
I was such an idiot over the few months where I was still hopeful about JM! I am so mad at my past self!
We had another messaging round last night – triggered by my change of userpic and signature in the messenger we use – I said I drove standard again after eight years. Almost instantaneously he asked me if I bought a new car or if it was my bf’s.
All I did in response was send him a link to the car I drove. A small talk followed, then I quit the conversation.
Later last night he started yet another round of “flirting”, when I didn’t react the way I used to – with lots of excitement and enthusiasm – but just went with yeah, blah – he went he missed me, he was often remembering the night we spent together and all that jazz.
I knew those were all his fantasies by now – he’s not ready for any real life actions – spoken from months of experience – so I shut him down with “I thought the distance was an insurmountable obstacle” – and when he admitted it was a problem, I just agreed and went to bed.
Staying in the realm of reality and seeing through words to know what the situation is really like helps a ton and is very empowering – I stay in control of myself and my emotions. I may write another post on how this skill helped me stay in control over a bigger bump I recently had in my current relationship.
PS I am not interested in JM anymore. He IS now no more than a guinea pig, an interesting specimen of a guy who is deep frozen in romance area. Now that I have a normal relationship under my belt, it’s so clear and obvious!
PPS I have no idea how I missed the part before, but the guy seems to be so certain that should he just lure, I’ll rush to his side and make myself available for him – whoa! Such a catch!
Soooo last Friday my smoking buddy asked me out for a coffee (which I said a maybe to), JM keeps messaging me more than usual and JD guy asked me if I wanted to go meet his sister next Friday. Also invited me over to his place last night where he was partying with that same sister and her family. I had to bail on that one. Although it’s a long weekend, I have kids and sleep depriving myself under these conditions is unwise.
The Mr Clooney was totally oggling me on Friday too. My bisexual buddy messaged me after two months of total silence.
I think I’ve started emanating attraction vibes again. After 1.5 years of not having them. You know what it takes? Confidence. I am pretty fine on my own. I don’t crave attention or approval anymore. I managed to achieve a lot over the last three years, both in my career as well as in my personal life. I became a better, more balanced and self-sufficient person, a decent mom and a better friend. I take good care of myself.
Most importantly in this context, I’ve been able to tear down the relationship idealisation. Having a relationship for its own sake has no value at all. I never cared about social status that comes with it, I stopped fearing for my financial stability, as for the rest, I can get those things without having a relationship. So bring on the fun! 😏
It was a goodbye kiss unless proven otherwise.