Yours truly, drama central

JD and I are a thing again. It’s a long story that I am not ready to put together just yet, but we’ve officially made up last night. I am totally sleep deprived but also happy.

In short, our issue was lack of communication – he was having conversations with me in his head, I was doing the same thing in mine. Created lots of misunderstandings that eventually lead to a breakup. We’ve both been miserable afterwards, but it took two months to start over – as he said last night, maybe we aren’t that different after all – referring to how we are both too anxious and well, inapt in dating. I concur!

jennifer-lawrence-1

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A struggle

I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.

I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.

So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.

My work buddy

The date last Thursday went alright. He’s been more on the asking side, I’ve found a number of similarities with G. Definitely a G.2. 

Unlike the first time, not only do I see his moves, but also what he’s trying to accomplish. Also see through all his BS.

All in all, he’s a good distraction, fun and smart, no more. He asked me out again. And since he’s a good kisser, I’m going. Also bought me a coffee today, called first and asked me about my preference too.

We agreed to go for a drink on Thursday. JM said that Thursday worked for him too, but a. if I wait for the guy, I’ll die without much action and b. I can squeeze both in one evening. I’m a master planner! 

Breakup chronicle

I decided to write down the whole thing – in case I am writing memoirs when I am old and surrounded by multiple grandkids – I also thought it went funny. Tragicomedy.

(He wakes up at eight and tells me he fell asleep on the couch)
– Can I come over?
– Come over? I didn’t realise we were meeting at my place. But sure.
– I want to talk about something.
– Sure.

Upon arrival – he comes in, sits down at the kitchen table:

– I think I don’t want to date you anymore.
– OK.
– Something is missing. I don’t want to lead you on any further. It’s unfair.
– OK.
– Which is a bummer, we had a lot of fun together.
– Yes, we did.
– I have some of your stuff in the car. I’ll bring it over.
– Sure. Oh, can I get the name of your cologne?
– PAUSES. LOOKS PUZZLED. Um – my perfume?
– Yes. Yves Saint Laurent something… 
  LOOKS EVEN MORE PUZZLED. STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR A PEN. Sure. I can write it down… Or I will text it to you!
– OK. Do I owe you anything? Like any of your stuff?
– No.

Hugs me after he brings the stuff from his car. Presses his face against my neck – I push away, we say goodbye. He messages me on Monday (August 7th) – link to his perfume and apologises for not sending it earlier. I thank him. He says I am welcome.

Another thing that makes it easy

Getting over a breakup this time around is so easy that I am still trying to figure out what made it so.

I was actually in an exceptionally good mood yesterday. Not the sick feverish mood fuelled by either denial, spite or false hope of “he may yet change his mind” either. Just a healthy contempt mood with a clear realisation of “he’s gone for good”.

It was partly fuelled by my two backups messaging me – JM and my smoking buddy who is also from his town (actually, he’s also Italian and they even look somewhat alike, as well as have other things in common). But mostly because I had so much fun with friends and family over this weekend.

Back to the topic – one of the most important parts (if not the most important one) of a relationship is mutual thrill, excitement and admiration – this piece where you feel warm and fuzzy about a person, feel drawn to them – it also has to have respect, like I wrote few times before – but without it a relationship is doomed. So when JD told me that this part was gone for him, I knew we were through. The only logical thing to do is to drop my end of the thing – otherwise it’s as silly as if you keep holding the phone at your ear long after the other person hung up.

Language is fascinating

Most of the time when we choose words we don’t do it consciously. We just speak. Or write. Or think.

I was texting with my friend yesterday, and used the expression “I got dumped”. And immediately felt something like an itch, or when you’re wearing uncomfortable shoes or clothing.

I reread the post I made here on the subject – and it clicked – breakup is the right word, getting dumped isn’t! 

I’m not an object to feel like someone can dump me. I’m a person with my own will. All that another person can do to me, is quit being in my life. 

Does it hurt? It definitely does so. Like any other loss. You’re upset when you lose your favourite pen/sunglasses/whatnot. Of course you’re sad when a person you had feelings for decides to walk away.

But what differentiates a mature approach to the whole thing from infantile one is that I don’t feel like a victim, don’t accuse the guy of betrayal, don’t feel like I’m broken. Things break. I just feel sad, upset and down. And from experience I know that this, too will pass.

I was also listening to Roxette on my run this morning. I don’t like their after breakup songs anymore at all. All this sitting around, staring at walls, thinking about the guy and hoping he’s thinking about her too crap is well, crap. 

It’s surrendering, it’s self victimisation. Self pity. Gloating over your own misery. 

I have now developed a rehab program that works for me – getting together with friends and family, watching movies, shopping (clothing shopping can be tricky though – I keep swinging between slutty and kinky stuff and dark and ugly stuff), running, cleaning (of all things!!!).

Still alive and kicking

I guess it takes the lowest low to assess one’s progress. Two years ago I was in shards and shreds. G. took advantage of it and I ended up in a six months of bullshit sex only.

Sounds like I blame him, right? Not at all. I was the one who felt like a hurt sheep and let a wolf who donned a sheep’s skin approach me.

I’m not doing it again. I only shed few tears so far. And this time I think I had more reasons – the guy shortened the distance way further than anyone before him.

And yet, I’m relatively alright. I did pick up smoking again and drank few beers. Was also more hopeful about JM than I had in a few months… But now I’m mostly relying on my friends, not a guy to support me through my recovery. So far so good. 

I like to date it, date it!

I saw JD briefly the day before yesterday. Then went out with JM last night – for bowling and beers. Tonight I am supposed to go to movies with JD again. And that’s on a super busy week at work too!

This time around JM was more active in flirting than before (over three months ago!) He didn’t just wink (his all-time favourite flirting tool – super crazy efficient one, right?!), but tried complimenting, called me his dear and even hugged me lightly when we were bowling. The goodbye kiss was somewhat better than the last one as well (although the bar was low).

He was also way chattier, especially after two beers – I forgot that the guy could be this talkative actually. I guess I was always trying to fill the air with my blubbering before.

It was all nice and exciting (the slight guilt pangs spiced up the whole thing for me), but the best part was me staying realistic throughout the whole date – fat chance this guy becomes highly interested in dating anytime soon – and for him and I to have a shot he has to be – the one hour distance between our places is bad enough, the fact that he works crazy hours at his multiple jobs as well as commutes another hour away from my city for his main job make the whole idea of us dating nearly impossible.

Besides my blindly following my own agenda of what I thought would make him happy, the fact that he had been realistic about the above all the time were the two main contributors to our failure last time. Nothing really changed since either. Well, he got divorced, I learned things about how to actually empathise with others – but elephant is still in the room.

So for now he is my pen pal that I may go out with every few months or so. Even if JD story ends, I will go look for a new story to start.