Out of steam

Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.

I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.

I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.

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Still alive and kicking

I guess it takes the lowest low to assess one’s progress. Two years ago I was in shards and shreds. G. took advantage of it and I ended up in a six months of bullshit sex only.

Sounds like I blame him, right? Not at all. I was the one who felt like a hurt sheep and let a wolf who donned a sheep’s skin approach me.

I’m not doing it again. I only shed few tears so far. And this time I think I had more reasons – the guy shortened the distance way further than anyone before him.

And yet, I’m relatively alright. I did pick up smoking again and drank few beers. Was also more hopeful about JM than I had in a few months… But now I’m mostly relying on my friends, not a guy to support me through my recovery. So far so good. 

Yet another downward spiral

I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.

But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.

Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.

Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.

There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…

PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.

PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.

PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.

Deja vu

We all have those triggers – where we overreact to something big time – usually not being able to explain why.

Well, that’s one of the benefits of having a blog – I was able to pinpoint my exact trigger for my yesterday panic – in this post from two years ago. Less than a month after that we were history.

Tuesday night I asked JD if we were getting together yesterday (it was the first time I asked for a date too – I decided I could do it after almost four months of seeing him).

He said he’d love to, but he had to get the house ready for Friday and why didn’t we have dinner and watch GoT instead? I replied that I didn’t necessarily asked for an outing, so sure, dinner and show would be great, asking what was up on Friday. Turned out his son was having a surgery and he wanted to get the house ready and welcoming for his recovery.

I suggested cancelling the date or at least cooking or buying us dinner. He said he’d love to have me hang around while he cleaned and that he’d also take care of the dinner. I offered to help with cleaning and wished him goodnight.

Yesterday I messaged him around six asking when I should be coming over. He replied half hour later – saying how he was stuck in traffic forever and how he wasn’t sure – it would be nice to see me but he felt spent and “wouldn’t be great company“. Also contemplated if he should clean up or have a nap (YAWN). All I said was sorry about traffic, let’s cancel tonight. He said OK, apologised and complained about hard day at work.

I think the three things that sent me on a full blown crazy fit were:

  • The “won’t be good company” trigger
  • The fact that it seems that we won’t see each other for almost a month now (which he doesn’t realise yet)
  • His mood swings – where there were only few days between “I love you, I’m so happy” and “I am spent and don’t feel like getting together” – I was able to not join him on his emotional roller coaster before, but something finally dragged me onto it.

Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies…

It’s so easy to fall into illusions, really. The one I fall into mostly is: “He’s into me, but…”. Ah, so nice to use this one. He tells you those nice things. Repeatedly. So it makes it easier to build the illusion too!

But my wiser girlfriends are right – one should look at the actions, not words. And it friggin helps! A lot! Another thing that helps is the fear. Falling for illusions is similar to going for those cash credits – you get satisfaction today, or at least lull your worries, but at a steep price in the future.

It’s hard to keep in sync with reality, especially when it’s not what you’d like it to be. But this is the only way to go. You can’t fall for the make-believe BS that you feel so right, so tempting, so amazing! The price is too high – the reality keeps getting in the way and you dive deeper into the illusions credits to keep the fairy tale afloat.

My way these  days is the hard way – yes, he doesn’t want it anywhere near as much as I do. Yes, I may lose in the end. Yes, it’s me who will have to work for it hard at this point. Yes, he doesn’t really know what he wants. But keeping all these things in mind, I know he’s worth a shot. And I know I enjoy his company. I also know that the dating scene is as far from fairy tale things as it can be. So I am taking a step at a time, don’t overthink it, handle disappointments whenever they arrive remembering the big picture (the things I listed above) and find myself calmer than usual considering the circumstances. Woot woot!

Fishermen unravelling continued

Like I said in an earlier post, I suspected that the guy I went out with on Friday night was yet another sweet talker. Or let’s rather stick with the same terminology – a fisherman. Now I am pretty much sure he was one. Especially when compared to the guy from the date on Saturday.

Fishermen are guys who get trained in art of dating (hell, I need to find and attend that course, that would be hilarious – real spying – wear fake moustache and a wig maybe and go!). I am not sure they’re the same as PUA’s (pick up artists), as the latter seem to be using a somewhat different technique by the sound of it (I did my research), but there are some similarities too.

Continue reading “Fishermen unravelling continued”

Ups And Downs… And Downs again

First the network adapter died on my new laptop. Oh well, I thought, I can take it back to the store. Then when I was making lunch for kids using the blender, I thought to myself, why, mom said it’d be dead soon months ago, but it’s still running! Of course I broke its bowl few hours later! 😡

To add insult to injury it seems that the gorgeous S2 is gone for good too! I went on Match account to No thanks some old farts and noticed his profile has either been hidden or deactivated. And he hasn’t replied to my last text I sent this morning. Which isn’t unusual in itself,  I’d only get a text or two a day from him, and at midnight or around that crazy time, but add the two together and I guess his statement from Saturday morning of how much he was looking forward to seeing me is no longer applicable. Which is a bummer, really, the guy was awesome. Oh well, the show must go on, as G.’s favourite band once sang.

I sometimes think that I should follow Einstein’s advice of “If you want a happy life, tie it to a goal, not people or things”. Hey Universe, kindly forward a list of goals to me ASAP. Forever yours, CrazyStacie.

Some contemplations

I was sleepless last night and scrolled through some of posts on G. And here is an interesting observation – I was chasing crumbs where I should be getting a full loaf. Blowing on coals where there should have been a roaring fire. I would take a microscope and look at every crumb that was thrown to me and turn it over and over again enjoying it. And that was what triggered all these illusions that later on caught on with me and backstabbed me badly. That’s when I started coming up with exquisite explanations for the simple fact of him not being that into me.

Continue reading “Some contemplations”