I guess it takes the lowest low to assess one’s progress. Two years ago I was in shards and shreds. G. took advantage of it and I ended up in a six months of bullshit sex only.
Sounds like I blame him, right? Not at all. I was the one who felt like a hurt sheep and let a wolf who donned a sheep’s skin approach me.
I’m not doing it again. I only shed few tears so far. And this time I think I had more reasons – the guy shortened the distance way further than anyone before him.
And yet, I’m relatively alright. I did pick up smoking again and drank few beers. Was also more hopeful about JM than I had in a few months… But now I’m mostly relying on my friends, not a guy to support me through my recovery. So far so good.
I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.
But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.
Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.
Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.
There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…
PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.
PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.
PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.
We all have those triggers – where we overreact to something big time – usually not being able to explain why.
Well, that’s one of the benefits of having a blog – I was able to pinpoint my exact trigger for my yesterday panic – in this post from two years ago. Less than a month after that we were history.
Tuesday night I asked JD if we were getting together yesterday (it was the first time I asked for a date too – I decided I could do it after almost four months of seeing him).
He said he’d love to, but he had to get the house ready for Friday and why didn’t we have dinner and watch GoT instead? I replied that I didn’t necessarily asked for an outing, so sure, dinner and show would be great, asking what was up on Friday. Turned out his son was having a surgery and he wanted to get the house ready and welcoming for his recovery.
I suggested cancelling the date or at least cooking or buying us dinner. He said he’d love to have me hang around while he cleaned and that he’d also take care of the dinner. I offered to help with cleaning and wished him goodnight.
Yesterday I messaged him around six asking when I should be coming over. He replied half hour later – saying how he was stuck in traffic forever and how he wasn’t sure – it would be nice to see me but he felt spent and “wouldn’t be great company“. Also contemplated if he should clean up or have a nap (YAWN). All I said was sorry about traffic, let’s cancel tonight. He said OK, apologised and complained about hard day at work.
I think the three things that sent me on a full blown crazy fit were:
- The “won’t be good company” trigger
- The fact that it seems that we won’t see each other for almost a month now (which he doesn’t realise yet)
- His mood swings – where there were only few days between “I love you, I’m so happy” and “I am spent and don’t feel like getting together” – I was able to not join him on his emotional roller coaster before, but something finally dragged me onto it.
I am getting tired of this. Seriously. Are there decent guys on the dating scene at all? This dude had nothing but claims. Wait, no, he had a huge peacock tail that he was trying oh so hard to shake right into my face. The only good thing about the guy were his looks. I am not falling for looks anymore though. Too bad so sad.
I am! Time to quit the denial and embrace it!
It’s so easy to fall into illusions, really. The one I fall into mostly is: “He’s into me, but…”. Ah, so nice to use this one. He tells you those nice things. Repeatedly. So it makes it easier to build the illusion too!
But my wiser girlfriends are right – one should look at the actions, not words. And it friggin helps! A lot! Another thing that helps is the fear. Falling for illusions is similar to going for those cash credits – you get satisfaction today, or at least lull your worries, but at a steep price in the future.
It’s hard to keep in sync with reality, especially when it’s not what you’d like it to be. But this is the only way to go. You can’t fall for the make-believe BS that you feel so right, so tempting, so amazing! The price is too high – the reality keeps getting in the way and you dive deeper into the illusions credits to keep the fairy tale afloat.
My way these days is the hard way – yes, he doesn’t want it anywhere near as much as I do. Yes, I may lose in the end. Yes, it’s me who will have to work for it hard at this point. Yes, he doesn’t really know what he wants. But keeping all these things in mind, I know he’s worth a shot. And I know I enjoy his company. I also know that the dating scene is as far from fairy tale things as it can be. So I am taking a step at a time, don’t overthink it, handle disappointments whenever they arrive remembering the big picture (the things I listed above) and find myself calmer than usual considering the circumstances. Woot woot!
Like I said in an earlier post, I suspected that the guy I went out with on Friday night was yet another sweet talker. Or let’s rather stick with the same terminology – a fisherman. Now I am pretty much sure he was one. Especially when compared to the guy from the date on Saturday.
Fishermen are guys who get trained in art of dating (hell, I need to find and attend that course, that would be hilarious – real spying – wear fake moustache and a wig maybe and go!). I am not sure they’re the same as PUA’s (pick up artists), as the latter seem to be using a somewhat different technique by the sound of it (I did my research), but there are some similarities too.
Continue reading “Fishermen unravelling continued”