A break from living

I wanna take that! Just pause my life and chill. I wish I had the luxury of chilling. I feel like I’m rushing all the time. Whereas I’m in a desperate need for a break and regroup. It gained momentum and keeps rolling, no matter what I do. I still have controls, for sure, I just don’t have time to get things done. Ugh! 

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SSDD

(Same shit different day).

Received a breakup email yesterday. So technically it wasn’t ghosting. Yay I guess! Next time I’m asking for a stamp card. LMFAO! 

Seriously though, good riddance. The guy reminded me of my ex so badly on this email, where he turns everything upside down and blames me for his own issues, that I am now glad it’s over.

So, you’ve been ghosted…

I did some research and self-digging on the topic.

Both the readings and some of my friends’ reaction made me go: WTF?!!! In the part where they go: “it’s not your fault!”, “His loss!” and “it’s especially hard because there’s no closure”.

Yes, rejection sucks. There’s that. But if you feel like it totally crushed you, darlings, you’re either perceiving yourself as the centre of someone else’s universe or else are addicted to love. 

The former goes: How dare he disappear on me?!!! But I loved him! He said he loved me too!!! Trusted him, too!!! Dafuck?!! The truth is, we are all selfish. It’s all about us in the first place. So if he felt he didn’t want to continue with the relationship for whatever reason, and chose this sneaky and wimpy way of getting out, it’s because he felt it was the best way for him. 

As for trust, you cannot fully trust anyone. Not even yourself actually. Trust is something we develop to lull our anxiety. Oh, I know this person won’t do wrong by me, I trust them. Trust builds on past history. But we can only rely on history to a certain extent. The only constant thing is change though. But this post is not on trust.

So the second possible reason for feeling in pieces from ghosting is love addiction. Since ghosting is, by nature just another kind of a breakup.

Love life takes up too much space in your mind. You value it too high.

How do I know? Because I’m recovering from it right now. It’s a hit and miss, whenever I find another guy, I lose my balance again. But I’m learning how to keep it.

I recently went to myself, I like the Stacie-without-a-guy much better than the Stacie-with-a-guy. The latter is a whiny needy selfish bitch! All she does is either think about the guy, look forward to seeing him, talks to her friends about him or whatnot. It all becomes about the guy. 

So I went, wait a minute, my life is so much more than yet another guy! Moreover, no normal guy (let’s not linger on trying to define normal here) will not want to date someone who worships them.

So I forced myself into keeping up the things I’ve been doing sans boyfriend – meeting with friends, spending time with my kids in a meaningful way, staying focused at work… And so on. It’s easier said than done, and I was failing here and there, but practice is the only way to improve any skill.

As for ghosting not having a proper closure, well it actually is a closure. A shitty kind, but still. 

Of all what if scenarios that you can come up with, the option of him (her) dropping off the face of the Earth is the only one that justifies the silence. But even if they did, no one has ever had much success dating dead people either. Realistically, what are the chances they died suddenly (unless you were dating an old fart, then you might as well check with the hospitals in the area), as opposed to them turning out to be a wimp?

Mmmm

I ended up not going to a concert I bought a ticket for months ago – school and work both were getting in the way – but got a very nice compensation – great chat with a girlfriend and an impromptu date with JD – I love those – they’re spicy! Yum!

By the way, life’s so much easier and fun when I kick my anxiety’s ass for a change!

Analyse it!

JD and I had a very intense exchange last night that I initiated.

I am still processing – and I also need to concentrate on work today, it’s rush hour at the office this time of the month, but I just wanted to make a note of it. “The thing is that you’re screwed. Because you’re dating a shrink. I can tell when you’re anxious”. He promised to work on staying out of my head, but he kept failing at this last night.

I guess when you’re dating a shrink you are indeed screwed – he not only um fucks you, but also fucks your brain. Interesting!

giphy

 

Smart move!

I’ll give it to the guy, he knows how to get something he wants.

I am pretty sure that my smoking was bugging him. He wouldn’t admit it directly, far from that – even smoked with me.

But when I tried quitting at some point, he was super supportive. When I told him I would like to try switching to vaping, he pretty much dragged me into a vaping store, and again, was all excitement about the whole concept.

The result – I’ve been vaping for three days now, I appreciate his support, but I don’t feel like I gave up something to please him. 

A hard good-bye

I’ve been messaging with this smart, intelligent, good looking, funny guy for the last three weeks or so. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me as well. Today I sent him a goodbye message. Took me some courage to do so. 

Not because it would hurt him, I’m sure it didn’t, after all, we only messaged. 

I made a conscious decision to try dating JD without any backup plans this time. No matter how illusory. Feeling like a backup may be needed is a bad symptom. Sign of insecurity. Sign of inability to trust someone entirely. In short, it’s a way into destabilising the whole thing without even realising that you’re doing it.

I’m not saying this was The Reason for the breakup, rather one of the symptoms that the way I approached our relationship wasn’t that healthy. I’m not trying to take blame for what happened before either, just attempting to improve chances of success this time around.

A struggle

I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.

I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.

So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.

Getting into the weeds

I’ve always boasted that I have the precious ability to see the big picture. To raise myself above the situation and see where it belongs on the bigger scale of events.

Guess what? The joke’s on me! With dating I got so obsessed with how, that I totally lost sight of why, what for. My shrink asked me some time ago what I needed a relationship for. I’ve been coming up with multiple answers, listing my needs that only a romantic relationship could satisfy, things a guy had to have to be a good match etc.

But I never looked at it as a big picture question before. As in: what happens if I’m not in a relationship? And the honest answer is – I have no idea! I haven’t been single for fifteen years. And before that I was either “in love” or whatnot. I’ve never EVER been single. 

So here I am, learning how to be single at thirty five. Better late than never I guess. One of the problems it’s that I don’t know anyone who’s single and happily so. The closest to this is a girlfriend who never had much luck with guys, but it’s not due to lack of trying. 

My mom’s been single ever since my dad passed away, but it’s different. She’s been a highly self sufficient person all her life. I’m a social animal. 

Having said that, I know that I have to try out the singlehood. We all fear the unknown. I have to open this can of worms and yet again discover that it’s not that scary. Like anything else in life it’s got to have its advantages. Currently I only know what I won’t have. So to break the unlucky cycle of dating failures, I’ll try out singlehood. Might learn to appreciate my own achievements more and/or quit idealising guys in the process… Who knows!

Am I doing okay?

In a minute of weakness I messaged you last Monday saying I missed you. I immediately regretted it, but oh well.

A week later you message me back, asking if I were okay, apologising for not answering earlier, saying you didn’t want to make it worse for me.

I’m definitely not replying to this pity text. I dropped my self-respect back then, I’ll admit. But it was a fleeing moment, no more. Too many things reminded me of you that weekend and things weren’t going well elsewhere.

I’m good. Not happy, but content. I’m still getting over the breakup, I won’t lie. But as time goes by, I realise how strong and self sufficient I’ve become. I met someone really great for me, but when it was over, I didn’t break down, there was no feeling of huge hurt or deprivation. Just sadness and disappointment. 

Another thing I’m discovering is that I was always in a rush, measuring time in hours or minutes, never weeks or even days. I’m not anymore. If my personal life doesn’t pick up in the next few weeks or even months, it’s all good. I have other things to keep me occupied.