No idea why, but I think I peak in my paranoia the day after the date. I guess it takes me that day to switch between the date mode and the real life one. I am taking this one off when it comes to analysing things.
Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.
So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!
It’s simple, but it’s hard to follow – Respect + Self-respect.
JD said something in passing another day –I am not someone who would let others treat me wrongly.
Little does he know!
However, that’s the key – if you have no self-respect, people won’t respect you – they may feel sorry for you, like you, whatnot – but respect comes from self-respect. As E.M. Remarque once said, pity is the flip side of despise. Once you are ready to trade your pride, your feel of self-worth for anything (in my case – for a guy’s approval, favours), you betray yourself. A person like that can’t possibly gain respect from others.
Same is true for respect for the person you’re seeing – if you don’t respect them, they will either walk away (if their self-respect is in place), or else they will start humiliating themselves just to make you stay longer. Which will cause you to respect them even less.
Another funny thing is that if you don’t have self-respect, you don’t know how to respect others either. It’s a two-way street that starts from self. Like so many other things.
So from now on my first and foremost test for any decision is – does it pass the respect smell-test? An easy way to run it according to the psychology blog on relationships I’ve been reading for some time now – is asking myself if I would want my daughter to do what I am about to do. If the answer is no, then I’ll pass.
Soooo last Friday my smoking buddy asked me out for a coffee (which I said a maybe to), JM keeps messaging me more than usual and JD guy asked me if I wanted to go meet his sister next Friday. Also invited me over to his place last night where he was partying with that same sister and her family. I had to bail on that one. Although it’s a long weekend, I have kids and sleep depriving myself under these conditions is unwise.
The Mr Clooney was totally oggling me on Friday too. My bisexual buddy messaged me after two months of total silence.
I think I’ve started emanating attraction vibes again. After 1.5 years of not having them. You know what it takes? Confidence. I am pretty fine on my own. I don’t crave attention or approval anymore. I managed to achieve a lot over the last three years, both in my career as well as in my personal life. I became a better, more balanced and self-sufficient person, a decent mom and a better friend. I take good care of myself.
Most importantly in this context, I’ve been able to tear down the relationship idealisation. Having a relationship for its own sake has no value at all. I never cared about social status that comes with it, I stopped fearing for my financial stability, as for the rest, I can get those things without having a relationship. So bring on the fun! 😏
Before I had Dutch Buddy who was my smoke-and-flirt companion and JM I was seeing. The former is 6’4, blond, grey eyed and well, Dutch. The latter is short and stocky, dark haired, green-grey eyed and partially Italian.
Now I am seeing JD who is the exact replica of Dutch Buddy in the things I have listed above and now have a stocky, dark haired, grey eyed smoke-and-flirt buddy who actually lives in the same town as JM too (which is a village that is quite far away from where I live and work).
This time is the first one where I don’t feel the need for fusion with the other person. Where I totally feel our boundaries – mine and his both – and respect them. I see the differences and there is neither ‘OK, I can live with that one’ nor ‘OMG! I need to try to get into this stuff, to be more like him’ nor ‘I wonder if he can change and not do this sometime in the future’. Nor is there the fear of ‘What if he doesn’t like this or that about me’.
We discussed it another day – how a person is a package deal – it’s a ‘take it or leave it’ situation – not ‘pick and choose’. There always will be things that you don’t necessarily like about the other person. In any situation.
Now I think that I approached the whole relationship business from the wrong side – I craved to fuse, to become one and thus was both anxious to get closer and disrespectful to the guy at the same time.
That’s what my friend told me about JM another day. I had my doubts. Now I cannot agree more. I think I am getting the way it’s supposed to be for the first time in forever. It feels so good! To finally not have to doubts. Or prove anything. Or whatnot. Just be and enjoy the time together. To want and feel wanted. It’s awesome!