It’s weird. I’m learning how to be single. Not by choice, that’s how things turned out to be. At first it was odd. Now I getting used to it. I’m definitely past the point where I wanted somebody to be in my life for the sake of having an imaginary checkmark crossed. Only I want to funnel the energy that got freed up elsewhere. That’ll take some time.
Life doesn’t begin at the end of your comfort zone, it begins when you manage to reign in your anxiety. When you don’t have all those questions of “what’s next”, “what’s going on”, “will it last” rushing through your head, you are able to fully enjoy the moment. And it’s magical!
It may be the sleep deprivation. Or I just need to vent. But right now I am really mad. Mad at myself but also at JD.
I repeatedly told him to stay out of my head. But he wouldn’t. He’d say it was hard for a shrink to do. That he only promised to try, and not not do it.
Now I realize how disrespectful it was towards me. Maybe he meant well, maybe he didn’t know better or couldn’t help himself, or whatever it was. This still doesn’t negate the fact that it was totally disrespectful.
I’ve been learning about boundaries in the last 3 years. And I haven’t been a saint myself with others’ boundaries either. But the more I improve on this, the more I realize importance of both protecting your own boundaries and respecting those of other people.
Another thing is, even if you’re a professional in something, you shouldn’t be using your toolkit unless asked for it. Otherwise it’s an intrusion. Imagine a carpenter coming by your house and starting fixing shit without you having called them! Imagine if a gynecologist did that!
So JD wasn’t just fucking my body, he was also fucking with my brain. I’m pretty sure everyone is entitled to whatever mindset they come up with, no matter how wrong they are from the standpoint of clinical psychiatry.
I’m strongly opposed to putting tags or accusations on people like emotional abuser or whatnot. I don’t feel like I was victimized in any way shape or form. I’m just mad and somewhat sad that I didn’t see it earlier and that I didn’t push back hard enough.
PS for this post I’ve been testing the voice to text function on my phone and it’s quite amazing! I think I may start blogging more! Beware and unsubscribe until it’s too late!
A year ago JD and I went on our first date. Unbelievable how time flies. My only regret in this chapter – I haven’t left when I felt first signs of cooloff. Oh well, you live, you learn.
They say time heals – very true! The more of it goes by, the less I catch myself at thoughts of: “I should share this one with him, he’ll appreciate” or “He’d totally know the answer to this tricky question on Jeopardy” and so on. It’s like the person (or rather their projection in my mind) is gradually washing out of my system. My pulse stays at its regular rate when my memory stumbles over another reminder, and it doesn’t get as many associations anymore either. Archiving process is under way. Took it some time to trigger in earnest, but now it’s on.
I just ditched a guy after two dates. The real reason – boring AF. Can’t say that tho, no need to hurt his feelings.
So instead I said that I didn’t believe this could develop any further, so it wasn’t fair to go on.
His response – he didn’t feel romantic attraction either. I’ve been on the scene long enough to tell if a guy is attracted to me or not. Also, his actions – constant texting, leaving Match, expressing excitement about upcoming date – tell me otherwise. So it’s really funny to observe one’s defense mechanism in action.
I’ve abandoned this blog, or so it seems.
JD and I have been on another round from around Valentine’s day. It doesn’t seem to be going well at all, now I really doubt this thing can succeed at all.
I’m not calling it a relationship on purpose, since couple dates and as many booty calls don’t make up for one. Three years of dating have taught me one thing for sure – a clear view of what’s going on prevents me from hurting.
Realising that the guy isn’t that into you doesn’t provide for a warm and fuzzy feeling for sure, yet it allows for developing a more calculated approach to the situation as well as takes care of unpleasant surprises that are bound to occur when reality and illusions clash.
It’s bitter. It hurts. It tastes like ashes. But it shows you how strong you are. How you can resurrect from any blow and move on. My name means resurrection in Greek. How very suitable. When someone, anyone disapproves of you, it’s only their opinion, no more. You’re still you.
This new guy I’ve been talking to lately asked me head-on if I were single. An absolutely honest answer to it would be “I’m not sure” or “It’s complicated”. But it sounds weird and well, complicated.
So I went with: “I broke up with the guy I was seeing few weeks ago” – which is, too, an absolutely honest answer. Except for it doesn’t cover the present situation. I think I am getting better at this!
One of these days I’m at risk of breaking my neck.
I promise you kids, Mom, the future better me, I’ll do my best to not betray myself again.