Over a week ago I was analysing how the expression “I’m not a good company” triggered my fear since S. (the Brit woo was my first daily experience after separation) used it shortly before he ditched me.
When JD said “something is missing” yesterday, I realised it sounded very similar to “no butterflies” in S.’s case.
Now, here’s where the similarities get creepy – S. ditched me exactly two years ago! August 4th. Funny!
So I’ve decided to go over my posts about S. To try and see if I can figure out what I did wrong.
My conclusion – I was totally mental. This blog has a very suitable name for me back then. All those major mistakes of being self-centered, obsessed with the guy (yes, you can be selfish in being obsessed with somebody), acting and coming across as desperate, insecure and therefore needy and clingy.
In all my posts from that period did I once wonder what it was that the guy needed or was looking for. I was all the dream girl who is about to make the guy happy. And getting stressed out and later on angry at him for not rushing in to claim his happiness. So arrogant and selfish, really.
Also was in a strong denial of seeing the obvious – the guy was interested in the beginning, his interest lost its steam very soon because of my crazy behaviour. I would explain his reluctance to keep it going by anything but the actual reason – he wasn’t that into me. No wonder too – asking the guy for exclusivity after two dates – SERIOUSLY?!! Whoa! I’m surprised he stuck around for as long as he did!
I’ll try to summarise the simple dating rules that I have crystallised for myself by now and that I use at this point in a separate post.
I am not going to get carried away with this, but still.
He had wooden masks as wall decor in his hallway – I’m not into those at all.
When I complained about my boss telling me off for unintentional attempt to charge extra twenty minutes of overtime, S. said something like “honest mistake to make” whereas a proper response in my mind would have been: What a jerk! (Or variations thereof).
Continue reading “Part of my self-therapy – things that were wrong about S.”
During the day I am playing the survival denial game – where I do my best, make a great effort to believe, invest into hoping that S. may still change his mind. The cars game I play – where I say, for example, if by the end of my grocery shopping trip I see three cars like his (quantity increases depending on how “serious” the bet is), he’ll regret breaking up with me shortly – and then I maniacally search the oncoming traffic, the parking lots and elsewhere for these cars. For sure, that eliminated the chest squeezing at the site of these cars, so that has at least some positive effect, the danger of me not paying much attention to the road aside.
Continue reading “Oh, that swing!”
Now it’s official – I am stalking the guy. LOL. Darn the social networks! I can see when he’s online, I see his not so rare posts of pictures (seems like he tends to post during breakups I guess) – and go pissed with “I told him the place was a shithole” (well, maybe not a shithole, but beer there definitely sucks) – although I shouldn’t care if he ever gave a fuck about my opinions on any matters. Or listened to them at all for that matter.
I am also wondering if he’s hidden my updates from his newsfeed – or whatever they call it – and whether I am just well wasting my effort on filtering what I should be saying with him in mind. I know it’s totally silly and weird and crazy and whatever, but again, whatever works, right? I know I’m not going to turn into a crazy stalked and end up with a two-mile restriction order, so why not?
For a time yesterday I thought I already got better – it was surprising, but I would take it. When I was at a book store I was deciding between some breakup survival manual and a dating manual. I picked the latter. I know, I am nowhere ready for it – but my train of thought was that I can pretty much deal with my stress myself, but if I screwed up a good thing, seems like I might need help with dating. I am not saying I am going to be coming back to the dating scene any time soon, but vacation time requires some reading.
Anyway, yesterday was a nice day, a good and calm sunny vacation kick-off. Today is so far quite different. It’s raining, it’s gloomy and it was the day when I planned I would go back to my place and invite S. over for the first time. I planned a relaxed date with a movie on my huge TV, romantic dinner and so on… Instead I am stuck with two tots at a townhouse in the middle of nowhere under the rain. Quite a downgrade, no matter how much I adore and love the said tots. Whenever I see cars like S’s (and he had one of the most popular ones, screw him!), I get this tightening in my chest. Same with seeing references to British stuff around.
I realise that I’ll never know how much of the breakup was caused by my behaviour as opposed to his not being ready for a THING. But being myself, I guess I’ll be blaming myself more and more as time passes. I am not the kind of person who tries to blame somebody for their problems. That what my X was like. Still is.
I was able to not hope that S. may at some point change his mind for almost two days… Good results, I am proud and impressed with myself. But now I do. I guess it’s part of the recovery process, it may slow it down, for sure, but beggars can’t be choosers. I’ve been better – I’ve only had two or three meltdowns with crying and thrashing so far and two of them were caused by the necessity to visit Continue reading “So much so for not hoping…”
There is my next stage – trying to rationalise things. I mean, I am as sure as one can be (and my intuition is good, no matter what I say here) that S. was sweet on me until he wasn’t anymore. And the change happened at a certain point. I spent some time today trying to pinpoint that very point. I think I got it!
Continue reading “Analyse it!”
Is it a switch-over from denial to anger I wonder? Now my train of thought goes along the following: S. didn’t realise how lucky he was to have me. That in turn makes him a loser, doesn’t it? I mean, if you dump a winning lottery ticket or turn down a promising job offer, wouldn’t people call you loser? I’m not comparing myself to a million bucks jackpot, but I am all those things that S. had listed in his final speech and many more too – so to think of it, I was his chance to be happy as much as he was mine. And he blew it. Sounds like loser to me, and I don’t need any more in my life. I’m not saying good riddance, that would be a stretch, but if a guy wants to be miserable, I am not dragging him out of it anymore – it’s his counselor’s job, he at least gets something in return. And yes, horses and water situation.
It’s somewhat even funny to watch myself dealing with the issue. Now I am in denial – subconsciously I’m expecting my phone to signal a text arrival from S., I think that yesterday’s meeting might have been some kind of joke or mistake. At no time does a certain part of me let me believe it in earnest, but it’s still amazing to watch this coping mechanism at work. It’s odd that there no voice of “He’ll regret it, one day he’ll for sure realise how awesome I was” – I guess that means I haven’t completely lost my connection to reality. Or that I really cared about him enough not to put me first for a change.
Another real concern of mine is the fear that at some point I’ll face the logic of “If I wasn’t good enough for a guy who is ten years older than me and had other downsides (a list goes in here) when I really tried hard to get him to like me, am I any good at all?” – it’s bullshit, I know, it was his fear of yet again getting into a relationship without enough magic or chemistry or whatever – but will I remember it then?
And a side note – romantic people are freaking dangerous – they’re hard to reason with as it turns out and they’re easily likable too! I may have been way better off if the Scottish guy situation had developed instead – at least I knew I was out of his league – and suspected him of being a serial dater from the beginning – so if we had some fun and then split up, it wouldn’t hurt this much, I am sure, I am romantic but also reasonable in some aspects.