Defense mechanism

I just ditched a guy after two dates. The real reason – boring AF. Can’t say that tho, no need to hurt his feelings.

So instead I said that I didn’t believe this could develop any further, so it wasn’t fair to go on.

His response – he didn’t feel romantic attraction either. I’ve been on the scene long enough to tell if a guy is attracted to me or not. Also, his actions – constant texting, leaving Match, expressing excitement about upcoming date – tell me otherwise. So it’s really funny to observe one’s defense mechanism in action.

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A break from living

I wanna take that! Just pause my life and chill. I wish I had the luxury of chilling. I feel like I’m rushing all the time. Whereas I’m in a desperate need for a break and regroup. It gained momentum and keeps rolling, no matter what I do. I still have controls, for sure, I just don’t have time to get things done. Ugh! 

A hard good-bye

I’ve been messaging with this smart, intelligent, good looking, funny guy for the last three weeks or so. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me as well. Today I sent him a goodbye message. Took me some courage to do so. 

Not because it would hurt him, I’m sure it didn’t, after all, we only messaged. 

I made a conscious decision to try dating JD without any backup plans this time. No matter how illusory. Feeling like a backup may be needed is a bad symptom. Sign of insecurity. Sign of inability to trust someone entirely. In short, it’s a way into destabilising the whole thing without even realising that you’re doing it.

I’m not saying this was The Reason for the breakup, rather one of the symptoms that the way I approached our relationship wasn’t that healthy. I’m not trying to take blame for what happened before either, just attempting to improve chances of success this time around.

New Set of Dating Rules by Crazystacie – The Magnificent Seven!

Well, maybe not that magnificent, but that’s the only movie I could remember (That and Seven, but can’t refer to this one really, can I?)

  1. Actions speak louder than words – or I’ll believe it when I see it. The rest will be accepted at its face value – i.e. zero!
  2. No dicksands – I am not “falling” for guys anymore, I keep within my boundaries and try my best to evaluate the guy without getting my emotions in the mix – these shut my brain down big time!
  3. Becoming proactive – it’s not about what I want or seek, it’s about what the guy wants. Relationship only works when one party tries to meet the other’s needs and vice versa.
  4. Proactive doesn’t mean becoming convenient though – if a guy only wants to receive what he needs, I ain’t no fool to play the game either. It has to be a two-way street!
  5. I don’t settle – I don’t hand out credits either – no coming up with excuses for a guy’s behaviour! When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses not zebras! If something doesn’t feel right, most likely it isn’t right! I noticed that suspiciousness isn’t my trait at all, so when I do turn suspicious, there must be something triggering it.
  6. No second-third-etc. dates out of pity or mercy – I want to treat people the way I want to be treated. And I definitely wouldn’t want to be invited on a date for these reasons!
  7. Lies are not OK! – they deteriorate trust which is one of the cornerstones in any relationship. It’s relatively OK to exaggerate things a bit or vice versa, hide some things that don’t make you look good, but that’s it! Once a liar, always a liar!

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”

I’ve calmed down. I am not sure if this feeling of quiet calmness will linger or will get blown away by some new thing, I can’t tell. I guess the early spring mood, where the energy levels are low and you’re struggling to keep yourself going is part of it. I always feel quieter at this time of year.

But it also seems that I finally managed to reconnect to a huge source of energy that I severed my ties to about two years back. Parenting. I remember exactly how I felt – when I was about to go back to work after a year of mat leave. Broken hearted. Desperate. Hateful. I hated my then husband for not being able to allow me to stay longer on the leave to look after my babies. I hated myself for picking this husband. It was at that dark moment where I felt like my heart was about to explode with pity and desperation that I just took an axe and cut myself loose from my babies. I just didn’t see any other way out, I felt cornered and broken down.

Continue reading ““Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end””

Rule numba whatever – don’t freak out and call!

Poor G. got under LOTS of pressure from me last night. I am still freaking out full steam over the work situation and his lack of comments on it rubbed me the wrong way too. So we’ve been on the phone for 25 mins last night, a personal record for now I guess, and I betcha he didn’t enjoy most of it. I was just going in circles freaking out. And then started asking him what he felt at the prospect of my possible return to the place. He said it would be nice, but… And that was it. Further inquiry into But what? gained nothing.

So I switched subject and also apologized in a message later last night for being so freaked out, that I appreciated his support. I was wrong, I don’t have to expect the guy to help me in this situation, cause like he pointed out, quite frankly, he knows nothing of my profession. And I haven’t heard from him this morning yet, will see how much damage I’ve done.

More thoughts and action plan

The main problem with me and my relationships with men (that is, after obsession with the thing) is that I don’t voice my issues. I don’t tell them how I feel. No, I do – when it’s a positive thing I am feeling. But I never say about things that bug me. Or avoid saying it at any cost. It’s me keeping the stuff to myself where it brews and explodes – in either fits of paranoia or snaps at men that come out of the blue!

I don’t want to be a kettle with steam whistle anymore. I want to be a bucket without a lid. Let the steam come out whenever I start boiling.

So since I will never guess right what motivates G. to act the way he does – all the secrecy, lying and other things that get on my nerves, I should quit trying to do so. It destibilizes me. Makes me vulnerable to these fits of paranoia. No overanalyzing going forward – cuz I end up in pieces. And with no clear understanding of what’s going on at all.

Instead I’ll employ the I approach – it’s all about me now! Here is a questionnaire that I’ll use going forward to response to his actions:

STEP 1: Physical check – am I hungry/thirsty/sleep deprived/hungover/mad at X/work/mom? – if answer is YES to any of these, DON’T GO FURTHER

STEP 2: Follow the flow! Continue reading “More thoughts and action plan”

PHEW! Another relief!

Emotional rollercoaster it is!!!

I was in the darkness of paranoia again this week. Causes – the new pic on Facebook he posted that doesn’t look like something a guy would take – at some restaurant by the looks of it. Disappearance of my card from his fridge. And two days off he booked on Fridays before working Saturdays. Which is totally random and I thought had to do with another woman.

Now having just had an hour long call with a girlfriend it clicked – Thursday night games!!! DUH! I checked the schedule – and there it is, on both nights before those Fridays his team’s playing!!! Feeling like a total paranoid freak. Gonna see my shrink next week and ask her to fix this!!!

And yes, sleep deprivation and hangover trigger paranoia – a sidenote to myself.

Fine, I was wrong!

It seems to have told me the truth about being sick. And it’s not fair to be punishing poor guy for catching a cold, for God’s sake! It’s cruel!

So my plan stays for now – give it until New Year’s – see if either I get used to this schedule or he makes some more space in his precious freedom for me. If neither happens, well then I take off.

Why? Cause like I said in that message to him, I do like him for all those traits he has. And I enjoy our time together. I’d rather have less time that I enjoy than lots of time I feel like I want to be elsewhere. The farther the better too!

Man, I am impulsive!

And I messaged him – and he messaged back! – so did I!

ME: Since I am, like you noted before, good with words, I’ll employ this skill again. When I said I wanted to talk about something in person, here’s what it was about. When we just started to go out, we opened up quite a lot to each other. Which I appreciated greatly. With time however you seemed to shut me out and get somewhat nervous when I knocked. I don’t mean to meddle Hon. If there are things you don’t feel like discussing, I’m fine with that. At some point you said that Carla wasn’t interested in any of your stuff, but when I expressed some interest, you didn’t take it that enthusiastic either. So I was confused. The way the whole thing started between us was quite unexpected and took me by surprise. I lost balance for some time, well, was out of it to begin with as you’re aware. So I did act weird, I totally see it now. But I want you to know that I still want this to work, cause you are a kind, caring, smart, attractive guy who puts a smile on my face. And I am in no rush either, being in my unstable state I may have appeared like I was trying to push you into something, was seeking commitment here and now. I am not. I am ready to give you time and space, just like you said you wanted. I am in a habit of pushing my X’s too (one of the reasons they’re that, the X’s), old habits die hard, so just slap my hand whenever you feel I am trying to get pushy! And I don’t expect any response to this either, it’s just a speech I wanted to make I guess. 🙂 

HIM: You are not pushy. We do talk and I like that. I am a creature of habit. I like what we have I just need space also. Last 2yrs I did not hang around my friends or anything cause I was always trying to spend as much time with her cause we never saw each other. I don’t know if that makes sense. I appreciate you wanting to show interest in what I do but some things like watching Football I do alone.

ME: I know exactly what you mean Dear. You went to great length in your previous relationship and now that you got your old life back you quite enjoy it. I get that and I appreciate that! I may at some moments feel like I’m not getting enough attention, but that I can handle I guess. Just keep forgetting about your evil schedule at certain times. I’m fine with you doing your hobbies on your own (somewhat relieved even that I don’t have to learn rules of yet another sport to tell you the truth), all I said you sent a confusing message – complaining of not getting interest for your hobbies in the previous relationship and at the same time being reluctant to share it, that’s all!