My work buddy

The date last Thursday went alright. He’s been more on the asking side, I’ve found a number of similarities with G. Definitely a G.2. 

Unlike the first time, not only do I see his moves, but also what he’s trying to accomplish. Also see through all his BS.

All in all, he’s a good distraction, fun and smart, no more. He asked me out again. And since he’s a good kisser, I’m going. Also bought me a coffee today, called first and asked me about my preference too.

We agreed to go for a drink on Thursday. JM said that Thursday worked for him too, but a. if I wait for the guy, I’ll die without much action and b. I can squeeze both in one evening. I’m a master planner! 

Language is fascinating

Most of the time when we choose words we don’t do it consciously. We just speak. Or write. Or think.

I was texting with my friend yesterday, and used the expression “I got dumped”. And immediately felt something like an itch, or when you’re wearing uncomfortable shoes or clothing.

I reread the post I made here on the subject – and it clicked – breakup is the right word, getting dumped isn’t! 

I’m not an object to feel like someone can dump me. I’m a person with my own will. All that another person can do to me, is quit being in my life. 

Does it hurt? It definitely does so. Like any other loss. You’re upset when you lose your favourite pen/sunglasses/whatnot. Of course you’re sad when a person you had feelings for decides to walk away.

But what differentiates a mature approach to the whole thing from infantile one is that I don’t feel like a victim, don’t accuse the guy of betrayal, don’t feel like I’m broken. Things break. I just feel sad, upset and down. And from experience I know that this, too will pass.

I was also listening to Roxette on my run this morning. I don’t like their after breakup songs anymore at all. All this sitting around, staring at walls, thinking about the guy and hoping he’s thinking about her too crap is well, crap. 

It’s surrendering, it’s self victimisation. Self pity. Gloating over your own misery. 

I have now developed a rehab program that works for me – getting together with friends and family, watching movies, shopping (clothing shopping can be tricky though – I keep swinging between slutty and kinky stuff and dark and ugly stuff), running, cleaning (of all things!!!).

Still alive and kicking

I guess it takes the lowest low to assess one’s progress. Two years ago I was in shards and shreds. G. took advantage of it and I ended up in a six months of bullshit sex only.

Sounds like I blame him, right? Not at all. I was the one who felt like a hurt sheep and let a wolf who donned a sheep’s skin approach me.

I’m not doing it again. I only shed few tears so far. And this time I think I had more reasons – the guy shortened the distance way further than anyone before him.

And yet, I’m relatively alright. I did pick up smoking again and drank few beers. Was also more hopeful about JM than I had in a few months… But now I’m mostly relying on my friends, not a guy to support me through my recovery. So far so good. 

Taming your monster

I think I found a recipy for not falling into yet another addiction. It’s both simple and not.

Addiction is a monster, really, or rather a siren, who tries to gain all your attention and with it all your time and energy, promising excitement, fun and happiness, a state of hakuna matata in return.

Enjoying something is a good thing. A healthy and energising one. Making it the only fun thing in your life, obsessing over it is not.

The recipy to prevent anything from turning into a monster is – not letting any one pleasure to become The One – no matter what it is – switching the pleasures, learning to enjoy things that were stressful before – if you can’t change the circumstances,. change the attitude – it works, trust me, I am doing it over and over again – takes some practice and willpower, but it does!

Second piece of the equasion is to channel energy from sources of pleasures into things that aren’t that great at the moment and therefore require some willpower applied to do them. Like today – when I got asked out for yet another date – instead of starting to daydream and constantly thinking about the guy – I just went on to extend my exercising program, worked on some other stuff I planned as ‘probable’ for tonight. It’s not as fun, but I used the excitement to get them done. Not to grow the importance of the guy in my mind.

Wants VS Needs

I just realised that there is a universal equation of how to overcome and get rid of any addiction, any bad habit:

I don’t need it
It’s bad for me
I don’t really want it anymore!

It’s simple and it works. All bad habits start from our wants. We don’t consider the costs (or prefer no downgrade them, make them look smaller), we only see the benefits. It’s same old tunnel vision. But answer yourself – is this really what you need? Is it good for you? If the answer to either or both is a no, then the want part will be easier to get rid of.

It happened to my smoking. It’s happening to my drinking. I am under a HUGE stress right now – by all rules, I should be drinking more, not less. But the opposite is happening. I am barely drinking at all. And I didn’t even have to do any self-work to get there. I just quit without noticing it! Whoa! Human mind keeps fascinating me!

Fighting anxiety and demoting relationships

I went back to counselling few weeks ago. It seems to help me – if not a lot, then some. My self-digging was great and all, but my biggest issue for now is that I need to somehow internalise all those great conclusions I had made.

First and foremost – I need to learn to chill and relax again – my anxiety levels are through the roof these days. I used to have the healthy ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude (to a certain extent, of course), but it’s gone – it’s a Freakout 24×7 team now.

Continue reading “Fighting anxiety and demoting relationships”

I am back! Another JM update

I realised I’ve abandoned this blog recently. Oopsie.

So after the crazy date on my birthday we were supposed to meet this Monday. Which is ten days later, but he’s been busy with valid stuff (as opposed to BS stuff in G.’s case) in-between.

He ended up cancelling the Monday one – his ex got sick, his kids were hosting a sleepover at her place and ended up transferring it over to his place.

Continue reading “I am back! Another JM update”