Mmmm

I ended up not going to a concert I bought a ticket for months ago – school and work both were getting in the way – but got a very nice compensation – great chat with a girlfriend and an impromptu date with JD – I love those – they’re spicy! Yum!

By the way, life’s so much easier and fun when I kick my anxiety’s ass for a change!

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Analyse it!

JD and I had a very intense exchange last night that I initiated.

I am still processing – and I also need to concentrate on work today, it’s rush hour at the office this time of the month, but I just wanted to make a note of it. “The thing is that you’re screwed. Because you’re dating a shrink. I can tell when you’re anxious”. He promised to work on staying out of my head, but he kept failing at this last night.

I guess when you’re dating a shrink you are indeed screwed – he not only um fucks you, but also fucks your brain. Interesting!

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Fun in DC

I went to DC to meet with JD there. He was attending a conference and flew down last Monday, I drove there on Wednesday. We spent the rest of the week together.

Thursday he still attended the conference and I explored on my own. Friday and Saturday we spent full days together – having lots of fun exploring, biking, eating great food and drinks.

He decided to join me on my drive back instead of flying – even though he couldn’t reach the carrier to cancel his ticket. He thanked me for the drive later, said he was glad he joined me, it was lots of fun.

I felt that there was more trust building between us on this trip. I definitely enjoyed his company. I even let myself show my grumpy side to him – which is a new experience to me – I usually feel obliged to be the ever-positive thing around guys.

Smart move!

I’ll give it to the guy, he knows how to get something he wants.

I am pretty sure that my smoking was bugging him. He wouldn’t admit it directly, far from that – even smoked with me.

But when I tried quitting at some point, he was super supportive. When I told him I would like to try switching to vaping, he pretty much dragged me into a vaping store, and again, was all excitement about the whole concept.

The result – I’ve been vaping for three days now, I appreciate his support, but I don’t feel like I gave up something to please him. 

A hard good-bye

I’ve been messaging with this smart, intelligent, good looking, funny guy for the last three weeks or so. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me as well. Today I sent him a goodbye message. Took me some courage to do so. 

Not because it would hurt him, I’m sure it didn’t, after all, we only messaged. 

I made a conscious decision to try dating JD without any backup plans this time. No matter how illusory. Feeling like a backup may be needed is a bad symptom. Sign of insecurity. Sign of inability to trust someone entirely. In short, it’s a way into destabilising the whole thing without even realising that you’re doing it.

I’m not saying this was The Reason for the breakup, rather one of the symptoms that the way I approached our relationship wasn’t that healthy. I’m not trying to take blame for what happened before either, just attempting to improve chances of success this time around.

Yours truly, drama central

JD and I are a thing again. It’s a long story that I am not ready to put together just yet, but we’ve officially made up last night. I am totally sleep deprived but also happy.

In short, our issue was lack of communication – he was having conversations with me in his head, I was doing the same thing in mine. Created lots of misunderstandings that eventually lead to a breakup. We’ve both been miserable afterwards, but it took two months to start over – as he said last night, maybe we aren’t that different after all – referring to how we are both too anxious and well, inapt in dating. I concur!

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A struggle

I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.

I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.

So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.