So intense!!!

This past weekend was awesome and amazing. JD and I have spent most of it together.

We weren’t supposed to meet until Saturday, he was getting together with his friend and bunch of other guys. My plan for the evening was to get my nails done and do a major cleanup of my house – I invited him for a “meet my mom lunch” on Saturday.

He texted me while I was at the nail salon, said he was in a cafe nearby, the going out with friends wasn’t until nine that evening and he was contemplating what to do for dinner. Where was my salon, he added. I said it was just around the corner from where he was at that moment.

Five minutes later he texted me from outside of the place asking if it was OK if he entered. Walked right up to me in the farthest end of the salon, gave me a kiss and sat down to wait for me in the waiting area.

We went out for dinner, he said he decided not to go to the outing at all, but then his friend told him he should bring me along, so I ended up meeting one of his best friends that night. The guy was watching me really closely and told me not to break JD’s heart twice during the evening. Little does he know!

Saturday morning I went for a bike ride with my girlfriend, then cleaned the house (mom did most of it already by then). In the mid afternoon JD came over, brought some booze, we had a nice lunch with mom, and then left to go shopping and hang out at his place for the rest of the evening. Turns out he is handy – he cleaned off crayon marks from my TV, fixed my lens (which JM failed at). He BBQ’ed cod – the best fish BBQ I had so far! Oh, and mom liked him a lot – mom never liked the guys I’ve dated before!!!

We were going to his brother’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon, so we went shopping for wrapping paper and card in the morning – forgot to get those the previous afternoon. He called Walmart Walfart – I still smile about that one. The party was fun – if it weren’t for the super loud music the band wouldn’t turn down volume even when the hosts asked them to! I met his two nephews and more importantly, his parents. Totally loved his dad, got to sit and chat with the guy about his passion, history, for some time. Mom is a different story, but I’ve been forewarned. 🙂

We both were taking pictures at the event. I can’t wait to process them – a pre-screening showed that I made few decent ones.

I was the designated driver on our way back, at first he said he needed to pick up the kids, so I was driving to my place to pretty much drop myself off. Then he changed his mind and asked me if I wanted to go to his place first. We did.

The best weekend in forever!

Two months

JD and I have been dating for two months today. This bean counter did some math – we’ve been on thirteen dates by now. Which is an unusual frequency for me. So is the fact that I’ve already met part of his family – his daughter, as well as two of three of his siblings with their spouses.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this story. I had few instances where my anxiety demon stirred, but all of them were false alarm ones. Mostly they were caused by the “too good to be true” concept.

We seem to get along well, enjoy each other’s company and have fun. That is all that matters, right?

I am trying to control my affection – slow it down between the dates, rev it up when I am around him – I have been somewhat successful in that. I am proud of myself, it’s quite an achievement for this messed up lady.

I’m also learning from this relationship – how to be caring without becoming proprietary and territorial, how to trust and enjoy my partner’s enjoyment. The last one is quite powerful – it’s like when you set two mirrors in front of each other – and you get reflections of reflections of reflections. We have established that we’re both givers – and that is frigging amazing, when no one is holding back or tries to demand anything in return for their inputs. Nor am I trying to push my agenda on him – I want to make sure we both enjoy whatever we are up to.

Another great thing about it is that I almost never fret over “So what’s next?!!” – which used to be so me before. If the answer is ‘nothing’, so be it. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, I’ll move on if it ends.

A recipe for a successful relationship

It’s simple, but it’s hard to follow – Respect + Self-respect.

JD said something in passing another day –I am not someone who would let others treat me wrongly.

Little does he know!

However, that’s the key – if you have no self-respect, people won’t respect you – they may feel sorry for you, like you, whatnot – but respect comes from self-respect. As E.M. Remarque once said, pity is the flip side of despise. Once you are ready to trade your pride, your feel of self-worth for anything (in my case – for a guy’s approval, favours), you betray yourself. A person like that can’t possibly gain respect from others.

Same is true for respect for the person you’re seeing – if you don’t respect them, they will either walk away (if their self-respect is in place), or else they will start humiliating themselves just to make you stay longer. Which will cause you to respect them even less.

Another funny thing is that if you don’t have self-respect, you don’t know how to respect others either. It’s a two-way street that starts from self. Like so many other things.

So from now on my first and foremost test for any decision is – does it pass the respect smell-test? An easy way to run it according to the psychology blog on relationships I’ve been reading for some time now – is asking myself if I would want my daughter to do what I am about to do. If the answer is no, then I’ll pass.

I think I’m onto something…

Soooo last Friday my smoking buddy asked me out for a coffee (which I said a maybe to), JM keeps messaging me more than usual and JD guy asked me if I wanted to go meet his sister next Friday. Also invited me over to his place last night where he was partying with that same sister and her family. I had to bail on that one. Although it’s a long weekend, I have kids and sleep depriving myself under these conditions is unwise.

The Mr Clooney was totally oggling me on Friday too. My bisexual buddy messaged me after two months of total silence.

I think I’ve started emanating attraction vibes again. After 1.5 years of not having them. You know what it takes? Confidence. I am pretty fine on my own. I don’t crave attention or approval anymore. I managed to achieve a lot over the last three years, both in my career as well as in my personal life. I became a better, more balanced and self-sufficient person, a decent mom and a better friend. I take good care of myself. 

Most importantly in this context, I’ve been able to tear down the relationship idealisation. Having a relationship for its own sake has no value at all. I never cared about social status that comes with it, I stopped fearing for my financial stability, as for the rest, I can get those things without having a relationship. So bring on the fun! 😏

Funny Flip

Before I had Dutch Buddy who was my smoke-and-flirt companion and JM I was seeing. The former is 6’4, blond, grey eyed and well, Dutch. The latter is short and stocky, dark haired, green-grey eyed and partially Italian.

Now I am seeing JD who is the exact replica of Dutch Buddy in the things I have listed above and now have a stocky, dark haired, grey eyed smoke-and-flirt buddy who actually lives in the same town as JM too (which is a village that is quite far away from where I live and work).

No fusion!

This time is the first one where I don’t feel the need for fusion with the other person. Where I totally feel our boundaries – mine and his both – and respect them. I see the differences and there is neither ‘OK, I can live with that one’ nor ‘OMG! I need to try to get into this stuff, to be more like him’ nor ‘I wonder if he can change and not do this sometime in the future’. Nor is there the fear of ‘What if he doesn’t like this or that about me’.

We discussed it another day – how a person is a package deal – it’s a ‘take it or leave it’ situation – not ‘pick and choose’. There always will be things that you don’t necessarily like about the other person. In any situation.

Now I think that I approached the whole relationship business from the wrong side – I craved to fuse, to become one and thus was both anxious to get closer and disrespectful to the guy at the same time.