I like to date it, date it!

I saw JD briefly the day before yesterday. Then went out with JM last night – for bowling and beers. Tonight I am supposed to go to movies with JD again. And that’s on a super busy week at work too!

This time around JM was more active in flirting than before (over three months ago!) He didn’t just wink (his all-time favourite flirting tool – super crazy efficient one, right?!), but tried complimenting, called me his dear and even hugged me lightly when we were bowling. The goodbye kiss was somewhat better than the last one as well (although the bar was low).

He was also way chattier, especially after two beers – I forgot that the guy could be this talkative actually. I guess I was always trying to fill the air with my blubbering before.

It was all nice and exciting (the slight guilt pangs spiced up the whole thing for me), but the best part was me staying realistic throughout the whole date – fat chance this guy becomes highly interested in dating anytime soon – and for him and I to have a shot he has to be – the one hour distance between our places is bad enough, the fact that he works crazy hours at his multiple jobs as well as commutes another hour away from my city for his main job make the whole idea of us dating nearly impossible.

Besides my blindly following my own agenda of what I thought would make him happy, the fact that he had been realistic about the above all the time were the two main contributors to our failure last time. Nothing really changed since either. Well, he got divorced, I learned things about how to actually empathise with others – but elephant is still in the room.

So for now he is my pen pal that I may go out with every few months or so. Even if JD story ends, I will go look for a new story to start.

Or maybe not

Ugh. Dating is stressful! To me at least – half of the time it feels like listening to someone speaking a language you don’t know and trying to understand them.

One thing for sure – I was right to defer the final judgement until there was more clarity – and didn’t initiate any questioning rounds myself.

JD picked up his trailer last night – and the way he was all urgency about it made me wonder if he was about to end the whole thing once he recovered it.

Turned out he wasn’t at all. Moreover, to my utter surprise his behaviour towards me hasn’t changed at all – still caring and attentive. Now I feel stupid. As in: okay, I guess I took it too far in the gloom land – just like I used to take it into the happy land in the previous cases. Interesting!

So the conclusion from it all is – I did the right thing – when in doubt, wait it out!

PS He’s not going to CA and we are getting together tomorrow – at his suggestion.

Yet another downward spiral

I have been suspecting this for some time, but now I am certain – there is a cool-off on JD’s side. A significant one too. Like I said in the previous post, there have always been these emotional mood swings where he would be either burning or cooling off. At times they were switching rapidly.

But until recently the overall trend of the relationship has been a positive one – he was moving forward with it. Now it’s the opposite – it’s not even stalling, it’s backing out.

Funny enough I don’t feel devastated – although I am as sure as hell in love with the guy. And it’s only partially because I hope the tide could still change. Most of it is the realisation it’s not me that caused this. It’s something in his head, some triggers, buttons or whatnot that went off and he’s withdrawing.

Another thing that helps to keep my cool is that I did all I could in this one. I never made major mistakes, I have a clean record as a girlfriend.

There is this saying in my mother tongue, what flares up brightly, goes out quickly. I guess I had this saying in the back of my mind all this time. Oh well…

PS I probably need a breakup tag. Those eventually happen in every case.

PPS I liked this line, to find your prince, you need to kiss a hundred toads.

PPPS Disclaimer: I am not looking for a prince, just a decent guy who is ready to have a long-term relationship.

Deja vu

We all have those triggers – where we overreact to something big time – usually not being able to explain why.

Well, that’s one of the benefits of having a blog – I was able to pinpoint my exact trigger for my yesterday panic – in this post from two years ago. Less than a month after that we were history.

Tuesday night I asked JD if we were getting together yesterday (it was the first time I asked for a date too – I decided I could do it after almost four months of seeing him).

He said he’d love to, but he had to get the house ready for Friday and why didn’t we have dinner and watch GoT instead? I replied that I didn’t necessarily asked for an outing, so sure, dinner and show would be great, asking what was up on Friday. Turned out his son was having a surgery and he wanted to get the house ready and welcoming for his recovery.

I suggested cancelling the date or at least cooking or buying us dinner. He said he’d love to have me hang around while he cleaned and that he’d also take care of the dinner. I offered to help with cleaning and wished him goodnight.

Yesterday I messaged him around six asking when I should be coming over. He replied half hour later – saying how he was stuck in traffic forever and how he wasn’t sure – it would be nice to see me but he felt spent and “wouldn’t be great company“. Also contemplated if he should clean up or have a nap (YAWN). All I said was sorry about traffic, let’s cancel tonight. He said OK, apologised and complained about hard day at work.

I think the three things that sent me on a full blown crazy fit were:

  • The “won’t be good company” trigger
  • The fact that it seems that we won’t see each other for almost a month now (which he doesn’t realise yet)
  • His mood swings – where there were only few days between “I love you, I’m so happy” and “I am spent and don’t feel like getting together” – I was able to not join him on his emotional roller coaster before, but something finally dragged me onto it.

A level-up

JD and I got together last Saturday night and ended up spending most of yesterday together as well (I had to step out for a meeting with a girlfriend).

He asked me to come over on Saturday after he spent over fifteen hours driving home.

I think I am finally over my dating related anxiety, at least with him. It doesn’t mean I stopped overthinking or worrying or fretting over stuff entirely, only that I don’t do it as often and when I do, I can control it.

There was whole lot of compliments and love confessions from him flying around on Saturday night, but since the following morning he wasn’t able to remember what went on after a certain point (he didn’t account for his tiredness so the booze got the best of him), I am hugely discounting all those statements.

Yesterday he said he was considering going to home sit his friend’s house in CA for the long weekend in August. I realised it meant that I won’t probably see him for the most of the month (between my schedule of kids’ weekends, and his vacation with kids in the middle of it we won’t get together until end of third week of August).

I also realised that a. he has no idea – since I haven’t told him about my decision not to go camping with him yet; b. he may still invite me to join him on the trip to CA (we’ve discussed such probability before, only we talked about this coming weekend) and c. space that is created by being apart is as important for a relationship as oxygen is for breathing.

And I can spend time without him and actually truly enjoy it – it’s a different kind of fun, but it’s still fun!!!

So instead of either whining and laying all of the above out for him or asking if we would like me to come with him, I said nothing – my favourite tactics lately – as in: When in doubt, say nothing!

PS I just did some housecleaning – erased the whole chat with JM. Meaning I value what JD and I have enough to make effort not to ruin it with my own silliness.

Scratch that!

The guy is just somewhat weird (ain’t we all!) – after a week of sterile messaging (no affection demo) I get a frigging storm last night! So much so that I had to quit it at midnight – since I was already at a high risk of sleep deprivation. When it rains, it pours.

I think somewhere along the way the tables have turned, I am actually in control now – on both accounts – but I still question it now and then. And you know how I got there? By boosting my empathy! Understanding what a guy wants and providing that (when and only WHEN he behaves and asks for it!) is the frigging key!