Duh!

I was such an idiot over the few months where I was still hopeful about JM! I am so mad at my past self!

We had another messaging round last night – triggered by my change of userpic and signature in the messenger we use – I said I drove standard again after eight years. Almost instantaneously he asked me if I bought a new car or if it was my bf’s.

All I did in response was send him a link to the car I drove. A small talk followed, then I quit the conversation.

Later last night he started yet another round of “flirting”, when I didn’t react the way I used to – with lots of excitement and enthusiasm – but just went with yeah, blah – he went he missed me, he was often remembering the night we spent together and all that jazz.

I knew those were all his fantasies by now – he’s not ready for any real life actions – spoken from months of experience – so I shut him down with “I thought the distance was an insurmountable obstacle” – and when he admitted it was a problem, I just agreed and went to bed.

Staying in the realm of reality and seeing through words to know what the situation is really like helps a ton and is very empowering – I stay in control of myself and my emotions. I may write another post on how this skill helped me stay in control over a bigger bump I recently had in my current relationship.

PS I am not interested in JM anymore. He IS now no more than a guinea pig, an interesting specimen of a guy who is deep frozen in romance area. Now that I have a normal relationship under my belt, it’s so clear and obvious!

PPS I have no idea how I missed the part before, but the guy seems to be so certain that should he just lure, I’ll rush to his side and make myself available for him – whoa! Such a catch!

A weekend that didn’t start that well…

Ended up being one of the best in awhile.

Started off with a dinner at an awesome Italian place, continued with a shopping trip to a nearby city with lingerie shopping at VS and driving around in a convertible. I haven’t driven a standard in eight years, but I did remarkably well. We went on this roofed wooden bridge, he told me to stop right in the middle of it. “There’s a reason they call it Kissing bridge…”.

At some point he also went “your mom must have liked me because she saw that I’m in love with her daughter” 😊

The main trick to keep things on track is to be in the moment, to enjoy the present. 

Whoa! The guard is down!

I didn’t even realised there was one until last night! All this time since I have no idea when I was wearing a protective guard over my heart I guess is the best word.

I believe that it was a trust issue, I thought of myself as trusting, but in fact I confused two things, emotional and trusting.

I neither trusted guys, nor myself with them. So part of my brain was always vigilant. Watching everything, analysing, trying to provide advice and guidance. (Not that I would listen to it in the end).

Good things, all of these, but not when it comes to sex! It’s way, and I mean WAAAAY better with a total brain shut-off. For the record, I’ve been loving sex for the last two years. 

A very intense and powerful relaxation follows. (Nope, it’s not me discovering orgasm either, get these a lot 😏). My ever present background noise of worrying, observing my surroundings and so on was gone. Sooooo quiet!!! 

What scares me the most…

Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.

So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!