I’m pretty certain JD was right behind me on the road today. Turned into the parking lot of a tavern I went to last night. I nearly turned around to go and see if it was indeed him. But I didn’t. My stomach kept churning for some time afterwards though.
“I’d have sex with you every day if I could”, “I want you in bed!” – sex is improving, I’ll give him that!
I once told JD that should we ever break up, it’d be hard for me – since he set the bar so high.
I think I’m experiencing just that – he was smart, funny, great in sex and caring. For sure, he had shortfalls as well, highly disorganised, impulsive, anxious and trying to overpower here and there. But I’ve never been with someone who I felt the way I felt with him, it’s hard to describe, really… I guess secure is the closest. Calm. In the right place.
So I guess for now I did the right thing, I’m working hard on getting involved in aspects of my life that aren’t dating related. So far I notice humble progress. And that’s all I could hope for.
I’ve always boasted that I have the precious ability to see the big picture. To raise myself above the situation and see where it belongs on the bigger scale of events.
Guess what? The joke’s on me! With dating I got so obsessed with how, that I totally lost sight of why, what for. My shrink asked me some time ago what I needed a relationship for. I’ve been coming up with multiple answers, listing my needs that only a romantic relationship could satisfy, things a guy had to have to be a good match etc.
But I never looked at it as a big picture question before. As in: what happens if I’m not in a relationship? And the honest answer is – I have no idea! I haven’t been single for fifteen years. And before that I was either “in love” or whatnot. I’ve never EVER been single.
So here I am, learning how to be single at thirty five. Better late than never I guess. One of the problems it’s that I don’t know anyone who’s single and happily so. The closest to this is a girlfriend who never had much luck with guys, but it’s not due to lack of trying.
My mom’s been single ever since my dad passed away, but it’s different. She’s been a highly self sufficient person all her life. I’m a social animal.
Having said that, I know that I have to try out the singlehood. We all fear the unknown. I have to open this can of worms and yet again discover that it’s not that scary. Like anything else in life it’s got to have its advantages. Currently I only know what I won’t have. So to break the unlucky cycle of dating failures, I’ll try out singlehood. Might learn to appreciate my own achievements more and/or quit idealising guys in the process… Who knows!
In a minute of weakness I messaged you last Monday saying I missed you. I immediately regretted it, but oh well.
A week later you message me back, asking if I were okay, apologising for not answering earlier, saying you didn’t want to make it worse for me.
I’m definitely not replying to this pity text. I dropped my self-respect back then, I’ll admit. But it was a fleeing moment, no more. Too many things reminded me of you that weekend and things weren’t going well elsewhere.
I’m good. Not happy, but content. I’m still getting over the breakup, I won’t lie. But as time goes by, I realise how strong and self sufficient I’ve become. I met someone really great for me, but when it was over, I didn’t break down, there was no feeling of huge hurt or deprivation. Just sadness and disappointment.
Another thing I’m discovering is that I was always in a rush, measuring time in hours or minutes, never weeks or even days. I’m not anymore. If my personal life doesn’t pick up in the next few weeks or even months, it’s all good. I have other things to keep me occupied.
Fuck buddies. Hmm. So far so good. Quite curious in fact. Odd but not awkward. Some excitement too. From novelty and simplicity.
Between a cold, first week of school for the kids and crazy workload I feel like I am crumbling. The fact that both JD and JM are gone for good (or so it seems) doesn’t help my spirits either.
I’ve gone out for a first day with someone who knew JD last Sunday. Didn’t go that well.
I am now on a break from dating. Not sure for how long. In this state I am no sport at all. Tuning in onto the wave of a new person takes effort. I don’t have energy for that. So it’s not worth trying.