Deja vu

We all have those triggers – where we overreact to something big time – usually not being able to explain why.

Well, that’s one of the benefits of having a blog – I was able to pinpoint my exact trigger for my yesterday panic – in this post from two years ago. Less than a month after that we were history.

Tuesday night I asked JD if we were getting together yesterday (it was the first time I asked for a date too – I decided I could do it after almost four months of seeing him).

He said he’d love to, but he had to get the house ready for Friday and why didn’t we have dinner and watch GoT instead? I replied that I didn’t necessarily asked for an outing, so sure, dinner and show would be great, asking what was up on Friday. Turned out his son was having a surgery and he wanted to get the house ready and welcoming for his recovery.

I suggested cancelling the date or at least cooking or buying us dinner. He said he’d love to have me hang around while he cleaned and that he’d also take care of the dinner. I offered to help with cleaning and wished him goodnight.

Yesterday I messaged him around six asking when I should be coming over. He replied half hour later – saying how he was stuck in traffic forever and how he wasn’t sure – it would be nice to see me but he felt spent and “wouldn’t be great company“. Also contemplated if he should clean up or have a nap (YAWN). All I said was sorry about traffic, let’s cancel tonight. He said OK, apologised and complained about hard day at work.

I think the three things that sent me on a full blown crazy fit were:

  • The “won’t be good company” trigger
  • The fact that it seems that we won’t see each other for almost a month now (which he doesn’t realise yet)
  • His mood swings – where there were only few days between “I love you, I’m so happy” and “I am spent and don’t feel like getting together” – I was able to not join him on his emotional roller coaster before, but something finally dragged me onto it.

A level-up

JD and I got together last Saturday night and ended up spending most of yesterday together as well (I had to step out for a meeting with a girlfriend).

He asked me to come over on Saturday after he spent over fifteen hours driving home.

I think I am finally over my dating related anxiety, at least with him. It doesn’t mean I stopped overthinking or worrying or fretting over stuff entirely, only that I don’t do it as often and when I do, I can control it.

There was whole lot of compliments and love confessions from him flying around on Saturday night, but since the following morning he wasn’t able to remember what went on after a certain point (he didn’t account for his tiredness so the booze got the best of him), I am hugely discounting all those statements.

Yesterday he said he was considering going to home sit his friend’s house in CA for the long weekend in August. I realised it meant that I won’t probably see him for the most of the month (between my schedule of kids’ weekends, and his vacation with kids in the middle of it we won’t get together until end of third week of August).

I also realised that a. he has no idea – since I haven’t told him about my decision not to go camping with him yet; b. he may still invite me to join him on the trip to CA (we’ve discussed such probability before, only we talked about this coming weekend) and c. space that is created by being apart is as important for a relationship as oxygen is for breathing.

And I can spend time without him and actually truly enjoy it – it’s a different kind of fun, but it’s still fun!!!

So instead of either whining and laying all of the above out for him or asking if we would like me to come with him, I said nothing – my favourite tactics lately – as in: When in doubt, say nothing!

PS I just did some housecleaning – erased the whole chat with JM. Meaning I value what JD and I have enough to make effort not to ruin it with my own silliness.

Scratch that!

The guy is just somewhat weird (ain’t we all!) – after a week of sterile messaging (no affection demo) I get a frigging storm last night! So much so that I had to quit it at midnight – since I was already at a high risk of sleep deprivation. When it rains, it pours.

I think somewhere along the way the tables have turned, I am actually in control now – on both accounts – but I still question it now and then. And you know how I got there? By boosting my empathy! Understanding what a guy wants and providing that (when and only WHEN he behaves and asks for it!) is the frigging key!


Back from vacay

I think I have reached a state of a relationship enlightenment – where I am enjoying every minute of it while I am with the guy, then I flip a switch to “normal life” and go on with it and I am accepting of the idea that most likely than not this thing will not last.

The hardest part is the switch-over day though. It’s almost like being stuck between two states – very unstable and emotional.

There has been odd thing about messaging with JD while I was away – frequency of our messaging decreased, he completely stopped showing any affection in the conversations – he’s never been that affectionate to begin with – but now there is none at all.

Oddly enough, I was able to rationalise my way out of fretting over it that much – whether this is just him detaching from everything back home while he’s away on his vacation, or it’s a sign that he intends to quit this thing altogether – it’s not worth worrying about either way – for one, I’ll never know until he’s back, also, even if it is the gloom and doom scenario, I know the drill by now – go back to dating scene, activate flirting with JM – in case of a miraculous event of his bubble walls getting thin enough.

What also helps is distinguishing the fun stuff I do with the guy from the guy himself – yes, I will not be able to afford/do some of it on my own, but on the other hand, I can always do this same stuff (or something entirely different but as enjoyable) with a different person!

I’m still around and kicking

I’m on vacation. It started wonderful, JD and I went to the city on Friday night, had dinner at this nice Italian place, then walked around in the warm downtown, stopped at an Irish pub for few more drinks. After that we took a speedy elevator to the 23rd floor of a hotel with a view of the most prominent landmark in the city.

Next day we went for brunch to this weird place that is a mix of a market and restaurant, with a huge variety of food to select from.

He asked me if I wanted to go see a ball game afterwards. Since I’ve never been to one, I said sure. So we went. It was scorching hot, we sat in the sun, my outfit was wrong, but I enjoyed it all! The atmosphere, his care – he got me a baseball hat, a hair clip and kept buying us beer throughout the whole thing.

We then walked to where he left the car with crowds of fans and went back to our town. Spent the ready of the night at a local Thai place and then on his couch watching GoT.

On Sunday we went to his sister’s place to pick up the trailer he suggested I took for my vacation. The sister lives in this beach town, so we ended up spending most of the day there, walking around town, having lunch there, then we stayed at sister’s for dinner.

We parked the trailer at my place and went back to his. Next morning he went to work and I went packing and shopping for my trip.

He came to my place, hooked up the trailer, and we took off, me in my van pulling the trailer, him following right behind in his truck.

OMG! The way he would stick his truck out a bit to force the oncoming traffic make more space for me, or when we approached this narrow bridge, he went forward and waived me ahead when he made sure it was okay to proceed. Or he blocked the road after we had to stop so that I could safely get on the road from the shoulder. And when we finally got to the park and I realised I had left beer behind, he said he was going to get firewood, but got both instead. Of the five love languages his is definitely acts of care, or whatever it’s called.

And then he asked me if my feelings would be hurt if he went on the camping trip with his kids on his own. Not at all said I. I saw this one coming actually. After we had this weird exchange few weeks ago. It still hurt. It’s a mix of rejection (which it isn’t at all), annoyance with necessity to change my plans yet again and part disappointment, where a guy hastily suggests something and then takes it back. Overpromise and underperform. I get it, on a rational level – the whole idea of camping with both his kids and mine for few days was totally premature! It’s not the way to go about meeting each other’s kids! And still.

Another ouch came when I asked about the for days after his kids were gone from camping. One of them being my birthday. The four days we said we’d go away for, possibly to NYC. Oh, said he, I could totally join him in camping then, he had it booked until Saturday night. Would get a chance to meet everyone. Yay! Camping with bunch of strangers instead of a romantic getaway for birthday… I said I’d think about it.

Booty duty :)

What do you call sexting turn real? Like in – sneak out of your own house after midnight, drive to the guy’s place, pick him up from the porch (since he too had to sneak out), go to the nearby pumping station and have some fun in the back of your minivan?

PS He said he loved me. I said I loved him too.

PPS The foggy windows reminded me of a certain scene in the Titanic, lol!