Empowering

When a guy says “We need to talk”, your first thought is “Oh well, sounds like I may be getting back to the dating site”. No feeling of ground shaking, sky falling on your head or anything like that. Sure, a slight pang of worry, but that’s peanuts compared to my previous self.

PS This is reminiscing back on events of last week, by now all’s good again.

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Duh!

I was such an idiot over the few months where I was still hopeful about JM! I am so mad at my past self!

We had another messaging round last night – triggered by my change of userpic and signature in the messenger we use – I said I drove standard again after eight years. Almost instantaneously he asked me if I bought a new car or if it was my bf’s.

All I did in response was send him a link to the car I drove. A small talk followed, then I quit the conversation.

Later last night he started yet another round of “flirting”, when I didn’t react the way I used to – with lots of excitement and enthusiasm – but just went with yeah, blah – he went he missed me, he was often remembering the night we spent together and all that jazz.

I knew those were all his fantasies by now – he’s not ready for any real life actions – spoken from months of experience – so I shut him down with “I thought the distance was an insurmountable obstacle” – and when he admitted it was a problem, I just agreed and went to bed.

Staying in the realm of reality and seeing through words to know what the situation is really like helps a ton and is very empowering – I stay in control of myself and my emotions. I may write another post on how this skill helped me stay in control over a bigger bump I recently had in my current relationship.

PS I am not interested in JM anymore. He IS now no more than a guinea pig, an interesting specimen of a guy who is deep frozen in romance area. Now that I have a normal relationship under my belt, it’s so clear and obvious!

PPS I have no idea how I missed the part before, but the guy seems to be so certain that should he just lure, I’ll rush to his side and make myself available for him – whoa! Such a catch!

A weekend that didn’t start that well…

Ended up being one of the best in awhile.

Started off with a dinner at an awesome Italian place, continued with a shopping trip to a nearby city with lingerie shopping at VS and driving around in a convertible. I haven’t driven a standard in eight years, but I did remarkably well. We went on this roofed wooden bridge, he told me to stop right in the middle of it. “There’s a reason they call it Kissing bridge…”.

At some point he also went “your mom must have liked me because she saw that I’m in love with her daughter” 😊

The main trick to keep things on track is to be in the moment, to enjoy the present. 

Whoa! The guard is down!

I didn’t even realised there was one until last night! All this time since I have no idea when I was wearing a protective guard over my heart I guess is the best word.

I believe that it was a trust issue, I thought of myself as trusting, but in fact I confused two things, emotional and trusting.

I neither trusted guys, nor myself with them. So part of my brain was always vigilant. Watching everything, analysing, trying to provide advice and guidance. (Not that I would listen to it in the end).

Good things, all of these, but not when it comes to sex! It’s way, and I mean WAAAAY better with a total brain shut-off. For the record, I’ve been loving sex for the last two years. 

A very intense and powerful relaxation follows. (Nope, it’s not me discovering orgasm either, get these a lot 😏). My ever present background noise of worrying, observing my surroundings and so on was gone. Sooooo quiet!!! 

What scares me the most…

Is the feel of two realities – my personal one and the one where I am in a relationship – colliding. Where the latter is trying to dominate the former, crash it, consume it. Dicksands is a great term for it I guess. I feel like I am being sucked into this guy’s orbit, I crave to abandon my planetary status to become a satellite.

So I am applying all my willpower to prevent this from happening. I am forcing myself into my regular activities and stuff, not allowing for daydreaming and getting distracted by all this. Can’t let a part of my life grow out of proportion again – keeping the balance is the only way to go!

So intense!!!

This past weekend was awesome and amazing. JD and I have spent most of it together.

We weren’t supposed to meet until Saturday, he was getting together with his friend and bunch of other guys. My plan for the evening was to get my nails done and do a major cleanup of my house – I invited him for a “meet my mom lunch” on Saturday.

He texted me while I was at the nail salon, said he was in a cafe nearby, the going out with friends wasn’t until nine that evening and he was contemplating what to do for dinner. Where was my salon, he added. I said it was just around the corner from where he was at that moment.

Five minutes later he texted me from outside of the place asking if it was OK if he entered. Walked right up to me in the farthest end of the salon, gave me a kiss and sat down to wait for me in the waiting area.

We went out for dinner, he said he decided not to go to the outing at all, but then his friend told him he should bring me along, so I ended up meeting one of his best friends that night. The guy was watching me really closely and told me not to break JD’s heart twice during the evening. Little does he know!

Saturday morning I went for a bike ride with my girlfriend, then cleaned the house (mom did most of it already by then). In the mid afternoon JD came over, brought some booze, we had a nice lunch with mom, and then left to go shopping and hang out at his place for the rest of the evening. Turns out he is handy – he cleaned off crayon marks from my TV, fixed my lens (which JM failed at). He BBQ’ed cod – the best fish BBQ I had so far! Oh, and mom liked him a lot – mom never liked the guys I’ve dated before!!!

We were going to his brother’s birthday party on Sunday afternoon, so we went shopping for wrapping paper and card in the morning – forgot to get those the previous afternoon. He called Walmart Walfart – I still smile about that one. The party was fun – if it weren’t for the super loud music the band wouldn’t turn down volume even when the hosts asked them to! I met his two nephews and more importantly, his parents. Totally loved his dad, got to sit and chat with the guy about his passion, history, for some time. Mom is a different story, but I’ve been forewarned. 🙂

We both were taking pictures at the event. I can’t wait to process them – a pre-screening showed that I made few decent ones.

I was the designated driver on our way back, at first he said he needed to pick up the kids, so I was driving to my place to pretty much drop myself off. Then he changed his mind and asked me if I wanted to go to his place first. We did.

The best weekend in forever!

Two months

JD and I have been dating for two months today. This bean counter did some math – we’ve been on thirteen dates by now. Which is an unusual frequency for me. So is the fact that I’ve already met part of his family – his daughter, as well as two of three of his siblings with their spouses.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this story. I had few instances where my anxiety demon stirred, but all of them were false alarm ones. Mostly they were caused by the “too good to be true” concept.

We seem to get along well, enjoy each other’s company and have fun. That is all that matters, right?

I am trying to control my affection – slow it down between the dates, rev it up when I am around him – I have been somewhat successful in that. I am proud of myself, it’s quite an achievement for this messed up lady.

I’m also learning from this relationship – how to be caring without becoming proprietary and territorial, how to trust and enjoy my partner’s enjoyment. The last one is quite powerful – it’s like when you set two mirrors in front of each other – and you get reflections of reflections of reflections. We have established that we’re both givers – and that is frigging amazing, when no one is holding back or tries to demand anything in return for their inputs. Nor am I trying to push my agenda on him – I want to make sure we both enjoy whatever we are up to.

Another great thing about it is that I almost never fret over “So what’s next?!!” – which used to be so me before. If the answer is ‘nothing’, so be it. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, I’ll move on if it ends.