Awwww

It’s amazing when a guy says that the first reason he likes something is because you like it.

Also when you accidentally learn that he adjusted his schedule with kids to align with yours. 

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A recipe for a successful relationship

It’s simple, but it’s hard to follow – Respect + Self-respect.

JD said something in passing another day –I am not someone who would let others treat me wrongly.

Little does he know!

However, that’s the key – if you have no self-respect, people won’t respect you – they may feel sorry for you, like you, whatnot – but respect comes from self-respect. As E.M. Remarque once said, pity is the flip side of despise. Once you are ready to trade your pride, your feel of self-worth for anything (in my case – for a guy’s approval, favours), you betray yourself. A person like that can’t possibly gain respect from others.

Same is true for respect for the person you’re seeing – if you don’t respect them, they will either walk away (if their self-respect is in place), or else they will start humiliating themselves just to make you stay longer. Which will cause you to respect them even less.

Another funny thing is that if you don’t have self-respect, you don’t know how to respect others either. It’s a two-way street that starts from self. Like so many other things.

So from now on my first and foremost test for any decision is – does it pass the respect smell-test? An easy way to run it according to the psychology blog on relationships I’ve been reading for some time now – is asking myself if I would want my daughter to do what I am about to do. If the answer is no, then I’ll pass.

I think I’m onto something…

Soooo last Friday my smoking buddy asked me out for a coffee (which I said a maybe to), JM keeps messaging me more than usual and JD guy asked me if I wanted to go meet his sister next Friday. Also invited me over to his place last night where he was partying with that same sister and her family. I had to bail on that one. Although it’s a long weekend, I have kids and sleep depriving myself under these conditions is unwise.

The Mr Clooney was totally oggling me on Friday too. My bisexual buddy messaged me after two months of total silence.

I think I’ve started emanating attraction vibes again. After 1.5 years of not having them. You know what it takes? Confidence. I am pretty fine on my own. I don’t crave attention or approval anymore. I managed to achieve a lot over the last three years, both in my career as well as in my personal life. I became a better, more balanced and self-sufficient person, a decent mom and a better friend. I take good care of myself. 

Most importantly in this context, I’ve been able to tear down the relationship idealisation. Having a relationship for its own sake has no value at all. I never cared about social status that comes with it, I stopped fearing for my financial stability, as for the rest, I can get those things without having a relationship. So bring on the fun! 😏

Funny Flip

Before I had Dutch Buddy who was my smoke-and-flirt companion and JM I was seeing. The former is 6’4, blond, grey eyed and well, Dutch. The latter is short and stocky, dark haired, green-grey eyed and partially Italian.

Now I am seeing JD who is the exact replica of Dutch Buddy in the things I have listed above and now have a stocky, dark haired, grey eyed smoke-and-flirt buddy who actually lives in the same town as JM too (which is a village that is quite far away from where I live and work).

No fusion!

This time is the first one where I don’t feel the need for fusion with the other person. Where I totally feel our boundaries – mine and his both – and respect them. I see the differences and there is neither ‘OK, I can live with that one’ nor ‘OMG! I need to try to get into this stuff, to be more like him’ nor ‘I wonder if he can change and not do this sometime in the future’. Nor is there the fear of ‘What if he doesn’t like this or that about me’.

We discussed it another day – how a person is a package deal – it’s a ‘take it or leave it’ situation – not ‘pick and choose’. There always will be things that you don’t necessarily like about the other person. In any situation.

Now I think that I approached the whole relationship business from the wrong side – I craved to fuse, to become one and thus was both anxious to get closer and disrespectful to the guy at the same time.

It’s not supposed to be this hard

That’s what my friend told me about JM another day. I had my doubts. Now I cannot agree more. I think I am getting the way it’s supposed to be for the first time in forever. It feels so good! To finally not have to doubts. Or prove anything. Or whatnot. Just be and enjoy the time together. To want and feel wanted. It’s awesome!

The new chapter

As I briefly mentioned in the previous post, there is this new development in my dating life.

We’ve been on six dates since we first met on April 1st and it’s the first time since the flower guy and another dude who said he loved me on something like date two where the balance of who is interested in whom was in my favour. That is where he is more interested. Or was. I started to catch up recently to be honest.

In the first two cases I was quick to figure out the reason for this – they lost to me in the objective comparison – less attractive, less successful, somewhat older, bunch of kids in each case, worse image development (the way a person dresses and holds themselves in public so to say). So the guys believed they hit a jackpot that was out of their league. I get it, I’ve been there myself.

This case is different though. The only disadvantage he has is the age. He’s 12 years older. So was G. It’s not a big deal for me. Age is just a number – and the guy’s is in a great shape. He also has three kids, but they’re teenagers and he has a split custody – so if anything, I’m in a worse position – mine are young.

In all other aspects he’s either equal or higher scoring than me. So of course my insecure and anxious side grew suspicious – why would he like me so much all of a sudden? Not that I suspected he had some dark side or anything, more like – um, you sure you like me?!

Me being me even confronted him with this at some point – and I think I got the best possible response ever – that it was his call to make and I should let him decide.

At the same time I also found him being excessively sweet – like too sugary almost – just the same as I felt in the flowers dude’s case. I talked myself into not running with the simple logics I used in a similar case when providing advice to my girlfriend once – there is nothing wrong with having a guy who is sweet on me. It’s my call whether I want to reply to his advances or not. I owe him nothing, neither does he. If he feels like that, it’s on him.

Some time after I caught up with him – I like the guy. 🙂