In the trenches

I am so beat. The fight is out of me. I was trying really hard to hold it together over the last few months. I used both existing tools as well as came up with new ones. Now I am done. I am sure I’ll get over it eventually. I always do after all. And it’s not too bad, really – everyone is alive and healthy, so there is no irreparable damage.

It feels weird – this low battery state. Concentration takes effort. Everything really requires effort. But I am not anxious at least. I take it slow, I cut myself slack. My current bar is set at bare minimum. There will be better times and I’ll pull the bar up. But right now I praise myself for just getting through yet another day. For enjoying small things – like watching Breaking Bad whenever I get a chance. Accomplishing the regular tasks at work. Dragging myself out for a run. Doing makeup in the morning.

I tire more quickly than normal too – so I try to do the most pressing things in the morning – as I am well aware that I’ll be done by the early afternoon.

Currently I don’t feel like socializing at all. Even at work I try to keep to my corner and hide in it. I feel like my armor has thinned to a translucent film – and every stressor hurts me or at least irritates me. I don’t feel like dwelling on self-digging much – I may make my state worse by concentrating too much on it. I seek escape from reality like never before – as reality seems too much to handle these days.

It’s interesting though – this unwillingness to socialize stems from my newly acquired empathy – I don’t want to whine to people – they have their own problems and their own challenges – whining about mine to them is just not right – and it won’t provide a relief – not really – I know what they are going to say – and I already keep telling those things to myself.

A very positive outcome of all the self-digging I have been practicing lately – the awareness provides for relief from anxiety – I am not panicking over this state, adding more stress to my low stress resistance level – I am just waiting it out – like a storm of a sort.


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