You just pull yourself together, get up, shake off the dust of I would have never thought he’d do something like that and move on. After all, you’ve been around long enough to know how to get over disappointment.
I am so beat. The fight is out of me. I was trying really hard to hold it together over the last few months. I used both existing tools as well as came up with new ones. Now I am done. I am sure I’ll get over it eventually. I always do after all. And it’s not too bad, really – everyone is alive and healthy, so there is no irreparable damage.
It feels weird – this low battery state. Concentration takes effort. Everything really requires effort. But I am not anxious at least. I take it slow, I cut myself slack. My current bar is set at bare minimum. There will be better times and I’ll pull the bar up. But right now I praise myself for just getting through yet another day. For enjoying small things – like watching Breaking Bad whenever I get a chance. Accomplishing the regular tasks at work. Dragging myself out for a run. Doing makeup in the morning.
I tire more quickly than normal too – so I try to do the most pressing things in the morning – as I am well aware that I’ll be done by the early afternoon.
Currently I don’t feel like socializing at all. Even at work I try to keep to my corner and hide in it. I feel like my armor has thinned to a translucent film – and every stressor hurts me or at least irritates me. I don’t feel like dwelling on self-digging much – I may make my state worse by concentrating too much on it. I seek escape from reality like never before – as reality seems too much to handle these days.
It’s interesting though – this unwillingness to socialize stems from my newly acquired empathy – I don’t want to whine to people – they have their own problems and their own challenges – whining about mine to them is just not right – and it won’t provide a relief – not really – I know what they are going to say – and I already keep telling those things to myself.
A very positive outcome of all the self-digging I have been practicing lately – the awareness provides for relief from anxiety – I am not panicking over this state, adding more stress to my low stress resistance level – I am just waiting it out – like a storm of a sort.
I nosedived into dicksands and didn’t notice until I got a slap in the face. Interesting!
One of those tough lessons from life. I definitely need to revise my controls.
The subject of how things work (or rather don’t work) in relationships has been in the air for me for some time now.
I just read yet another article where the author condemned when someone declares they would love to take the other to Paris, or how their children together would definitely look great etc. The author calls them manipulative games.
I have heard the lines: “I’ll take you to Paris”, “One day we should go to Australia together” and similar from different guys on several occasions. Did they make me feel excited? Sure! Did I feel like packing and waiting for him to bring the tickets? Hell no!
The longer I am on the dating scene, the more I understand the utter importance of Acta Non Verba – deeds, not words. And another one – If you really want something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.
Words without acts are bullshit – all these I wish I could are 100% BS – and it doesn’t really matter, if the person who says these words feel like they mean it in their heart or say it just to impress you.
But if you listen to them and get hopeful, it’s your fault, not theirs. They were only saying things, without acts to support those you’re at fault for listening.
I felt pissed and edgy this morning. Because of JM was my first thought. It’s a long story, but he pissed me off big time. Not the first time, won’t be the last. But. I also realised that I was dealing with bunch of aggravators – sleep deprivation, irritability from nicotine withdrawal, hormone things from “the days”, emptiness of the dating scene, upcoming meeting over my children’s crisis and the prospect of spending four days without the kids on top of that and some others. It’s just not fair to say that the guy caused it all – not fair to me in the first place – thinking that way would inflate his hold on my emotions – this is exactly how dicksands work – where I create a direct link between my moods and a guy’s behavior.
I went on another first date last night. Compared to the guy the previous Sunday this was an improvement. But it’s still a far cry from a decent guy I want.
This guy and I go back few months, to Andrew period – we messaged some on dating site, then started texting. He sounded dead boring, so I wasn’t that enthusiastic in messages either and hardly noticed when the conversation stopped.
I removed his contact among others from my phone book after the Andrew story was over. So two months after he reappeared, just messaged me as if there was no pause. I replied – since I was on the scene again. We’ve messaged back and forth for two weeks, where he would be initiating conversations all the time – few times a day. They were quite boring, but I still kept them going – hoping that maybe the guy is just bad at messaging – you never know, right?
At some point last week he suggested we’d go out for beers. I accepted. We agreed on Sunday night. We went to this mid-range restaurant, I arrived just before him. First impression was mixed – he was definitely way less good looking than in his profile picture – had this worn air about him – and was quite short too. But I didn’t feel repulsed, so that’s a decent start.
It went downhill from there – the guy is totally boring. He doesn’t live, he exists. He has no hobbies, no passions, he doesn’t do any sports, he doesn’t love his daughter, just tolerates her. All he does is work, travel to work long-distance (1.5 hours a day one way) and occasionally goes out for a drink or dinner. He isn’t passionate about his work either. Took me good forty minutes to get him start talking in sentences that were longer than few words – and that was rather for the sake of seeing if I could. It’s a perfect example of nobody. I guess it shows the other end of range indifference-average-passion. A warning sign – go too far in curbing your passions – and this is what you end up being.
I was curious what may had brought him on the dating scene at all – I mean, why bother looking for a girlfriend? And what can he possibly offer to get one? Very depressing. To the point of disturbing.
Bad thing about it – the date didn’t help my goal of making the image of JM shrink in my head (although I think I have done a decent job of getting there by myself).
Good thing – yet another example of why I’d rather be single than with anyone.
I am getting tired of this. Seriously. Are there decent guys on the dating scene at all? This dude had nothing but claims. Wait, no, he had a huge peacock tail that he was trying oh so hard to shake right into my face. The only good thing about the guy were his looks. I am not falling for looks anymore though. Too bad so sad.