I quit being obsessed with dating. Just like that. This feel of calmness is amazing, really. Feels like I was balancing on a tiny post that was all shaky for the last two years – it’s exciting, scary and exhausting. And now I just stand on solid ground with both of my feet.
What I realised recently was that the G. story made me feel so overly sensitive, that every failed date – be it with JM or new candidates – due to cancellation or the guy turning out to be a disappointment – was directly felt like a rejection, making it a straight blow to my feel of self-worth.
Now things like that still disappoint, but only as in “plans are cancelled – too bad” – it doesn’t affect my self-worth anymore. It’s odd. But in a good way.
Some more thoughts on how my crown operates. Whenever I dated a guy my self-centered side would stick out in all its phenomenal greatness. Paired with the urge to shift responsibility towards the guy.
Let’s take a simple example – dates. A guy tells me we could meet on a certain day, but he wasn’t sure about it yet as there were some other things that needed to be scheduled first to know for sure if he’ll be able to make it. Sounds quite reasonable for someone with a busy life, right?
Not to my crown. It goes off with two things – screaming how dare he not rearrange his whole schedule to meet with me – instead of calmly admitting it as a fact – yep, a girl he hardly knows is not at the top of his priorities list – why should she be? And he may have a busy life – like in lots of things to juggle around – and this is the reason I find him attractive in the first place – he’s not a couch potato with nothing to do.
The other thing my crown yells is that I could be planning so many other fun things for the night of the supposed date – and instead I have to keep it open until things get cleared up. This part is so totally illogical! I should either start planning all those fun things disregarding the possible date – should they involve other people; or plan things that I can easily get out of – should the possible date take place – and if I feel like going for the date rather than doing the exciting things I had planned before.
Either way, saying that I am not having fun because of a guy’s scheduling issues is shifting responsibility for my own entertainment over to the guy – all of a sudden it’s his fault that I am not having fun. How. Stupid. Is. That!
Now that I have been single for some time, I know how to entertain myself, how to not just feel like all I’m doing is killing time between the dates, but actually enjoy myself – for real! Amazing shit!
I am both thrilled and scared. My silly side feels joyful – it’s jumping up and down and celebrates. Lil princess got her way (or so she believes) and is triumphant.
The logical side is sceptical and frightened. It’s scared of the prospect of yet again getting stuck in the dicksands all over again. I just started shaking off the rekindled addiction and this sounds too much like getting back to square one.
I am not much of a believer in second chances to begin with. I am weak in this, I am scared to lose the shaky inner balance I have almost achieved and stumble through the same minefield again.
I am! Time to quit the denial and embrace it!
I abandoned this blog for some time. The reason – I was off dating scene lately. I guess I must have been hit by the Andrew story more than I realised. That and the fact that JM was kind of showing signs of more activity lately lead me to believe that a break in dating was a good idea.
I don’t think so anymore – I missed the thrill of it – yes, it’s not just fun, there are downsides to it as well – disappointments streak the thing like anything else in life, but it doesn’t mean I should be shutting it down entirely. I shot myself in the foot by doing so – my energy levels went down, I started imagining things – like seeing signs of rekindling interest in JM – where there were none.
I am back in the business – after some hesitation I have reactivated my Match account this morning. Since Eharmony was a disappointment – no matches in my area, and PoF and OKCupid are full of rednecks – I decided I’ll check out Match again – I seem to have had most success on it in the past. Guess who showed up in my search today? S.! The first S., that’s right. I found it funny and somehow satisfying.
Wish me happy fishing and stay tuned.