Mark Clooney again

I saw him another day without the shower cap. Gorgeous! Just inappropriately gorgeous! A guy shouldn’t look like that, it’s ungodly! I on the other hand was wearing the silly gear – cap and the frigging safety shoes too. Darn it!

Today I was supposed to go for a meeting in my boss’s stead. Although chances of Mark being there were slim, I still dressed up. Luck was on my side, not only was he there, but took a place next to me and at some point leaned over to comment on something on the board – I could barely breathe, let alone make sense of whatever he was saying. Telling you, this guy has a way of shutting my brain down entirely. So hot!

Inner conflict

Pausing dating feels odd – I mean, I do want to find the right guy for me, I know that for sure.

However, the whole “other situation” in my life leaves me with two choices – quitting dating until it’s resolved or lying about an important aspect of my life. The situation is such that telling the truth about it at an early stage of acquaintance will most likely be the end of it.

I am a good liar. Exceptionally good one actually. However, honesty is one of my values. I choose not to lie whenever I can. White lies, small lies are more or less acceptable. But big fat lies are not. Trust is cornerstone of any relationship. Lies deteriorate that cornerstone big time. Not telling something is fine in my books, but there will be questions about the aspect of my life early on, I cannot just wave them off with “I don’t want to talk about it”.

Turns out that in order to preserve integrity and stick with my values I sometimes need to make choices that go against my wishes. As someone once said, dead ends don’t exist, there are situations where you don’t like any existing solutions.

This whole situation exposes me to dangers of getting back into dicksands with JM, but realising that whenever I feel like I miss him is actually a tangle of me missing dating and him where the part of missing dating prevails big time, helps to avoid dicksands.

If I were the one reading the signs…

Used a quote from my favourite Silver Linings Playbook for this post’s title.

Dating history in December – where I would get too excited about a guy and intrude into his boundaries too far and too fast, another time where I ran into a bitch of a social worker on a decent first date, third time where a heavy blizzard cancelled another first date – all these things were clearly indicating that I should quit dating for now.

Of course, I didn’t realise it until recently. And having connected the dots, being my old fight-prone self, I tried to keep pushing forward. But I won’t anymore. If the Universe or destiny or whatnot benches some aspect of my life, there must be a reason for it. I have learned oh too well by now that like Forrest Gump said, “I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it’s both.” I can prevail if I keep pushing. Last time I did so, I ended up marrying a guy who wasn’t good for me at all.

This time I decided not to push anymore. I am taking a break from dating. I will keep messaging with the few guys I started talking to recently, but once they are gone, I am on a break until my other big ass situation gets resolved. The situation is too stressful, it requires all my nerves and energy to be able to keep my shit together. Any other stress destabilises me to a dangerous level – where I am caught between the hammer and the anvil, depression and anxiety.

I am finally at the point of my life where I can distinguish between my wants and my needs. I have detached my feel of self-worth from success with guys. Now there is no feel of urgency in dating anymore.