I already knew I was overthinking them. Putting more value into them than they deserved. The unanswered question until now was why. I don’t care about social status – I feel no negative emotions when I say I am single. On the contrary, it sounds good! It’s not about getting financial support either – I am quite alright on my own, as it turns out. I can also take care of a house, cooking is looked after by my mom, so there is no immediate need to get a guy. I mean, emotional and physical closeness are nice, but not something I cannot live without. Especially considering that friends can provide for emotional closeness.
So I think my problem with finding a partner was that I see relationship with a man as the longest lasting in my life – I mean, should it be a successful one, it’s forever, right? Unlike parents or even kids, this is about a person that you will be spending the rest of your life with. And they – with you. So instead of doing it right (see below), I pretty much try to establish if a candidate is good for forever! Whoa! A major WTF right there!
The scale of my approach is my undoing and doom. Especially supported by the past failures where I also doubt that I am at all capable of having a relationship. Imagine the level of anxiety that I have to deal with! As well as level of pressure I put on the thing from the expectations!
So now I need to internalise this realisation – that the early stage of a relationship is not the right time to try and make a call of whether this has a shot at being serious. Not at all! One cannot estimate mutual suitability, level of matching for long-term in a few months period. Therefore, these few months are there to relax, have fun and observe the person – in that order too. Always staying tuned to the inner voice (intuition, whatnot) – if alarms sound – investigate, if it’s keeping quiet – check for attempts at muting it (denial) – and if that’s not it, keep on dancing!
My mom and friends told me on few occasions that they never thought of a relationship in terms of being forever – rather the opposite – taking it one step at a time and even feeling surprised it continued this long at times. Maybe that’s the way to go – say we make the choice every day – to either continue with a relationship or quitting it – I understand, no one can provide any guarantees when it comes to interpersonal interactions – but I cannot try and rewire myself to perceive a relationship as something essentially temporarily either. So the only way out I see from this catch 22 is to defer my decision on whether it’s something serious or not until later in the game.