Lil did I know

Sooooo, this blog’s name was a self-fulfilling prophecy – I ended up at a mental health facility last Tuesday – spent a night there too. Voluntarily, but still. Going crazy is scary. All these fears running through your head that is already not right – what happens to your life – will you ever be able to think straight again? will you lose your job? will you be able to look after your children going forward? As someone who had cancerophobia at some point, this is as scary or even worse. At least to me – first of all, I value intelligence highly, secondly, in my culture of origin mental health is a taboo – it associates with shame and fear – people don’t understand it – and they fear and insult things they don’t get. So that night was scary on two accounts – I was scared for myself – that I will end up full-blown crazy, and I was scared of people around me – I spent a night sharing room with a crazy elderly lady – who was absolutely nice and quiet – and I didn’t fear her, but some other people on the block were somewhat intimidating.

Turned out my episode was caused by these pills I was taking to quit smoking – Champix – the instruction says there are psychiatric side-effects in 1% of cases – and that the risk increases if one drinks alcohol while taking the pills – doesn’t say by how much, but I lucked out.

I’ve been off work for the last week, as excessive stress was another ingredient in the mix.

As for dating, I am putting it on hold. I messaged with JM some more after my last post – he pretty much blew me off in a very nice and polite way – turning down my suggestion to try out the friends with benefits arrangement. Then the crisis hit – and he was supportive during it, which made me somewhat hopeful (unreasonable, I know, but hey, I AM crazy!) – and yesterday it finally sank in – we’re through. Five months after we met, three months after we had the thing going. Yesterday was harsh,  all these flashbacks and memories of feeling happy – but it wasn’t hysterical, rather sad and hurting – like when something good leaves your life for good. There will be other good things, for sure, but loss and grief are part of the process of getting to them.

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