Lil did I know

Sooooo, this blog’s name was a self-fulfilling prophecy – I ended up at a mental health facility last Tuesday – spent a night there too. Voluntarily, but still. Going crazy is scary. All these fears running through your head that is already not right – what happens to your life – will you ever be able to think straight again? will you lose your job? will you be able to look after your children going forward? As someone who had cancerophobia at some point, this is as scary or even worse. At least to me – first of all, I value intelligence highly, secondly, in my culture of origin mental health is a taboo – it associates with shame and fear – people don’t understand it – and they fear and insult things they don’t get. So that night was scary on two accounts – I was scared for myself – that I will end up full-blown crazy, and I was scared of people around me – I spent a night sharing room with a crazy elderly lady – who was absolutely nice and quiet – and I didn’t fear her, but some other people on the block were somewhat intimidating.

Turned out my episode was caused by these pills I was taking to quit smoking – Champix – the instruction says there are psychiatric side-effects in 1% of cases – and that the risk increases if one drinks alcohol while taking the pills – doesn’t say by how much, but I lucked out.

I’ve been off work for the last week, as excessive stress was another ingredient in the mix.

As for dating, I am putting it on hold. I messaged with JM some more after my last post – he pretty much blew me off in a very nice and polite way – turning down my suggestion to try out the friends with benefits arrangement. Then the crisis hit – and he was supportive during it, which made me somewhat hopeful (unreasonable, I know, but hey, I AM crazy!) – and yesterday it finally sank in – we’re through. Five months after we met, three months after we had the thing going. Yesterday was harsh,  all these flashbacks and memories of feeling happy – but it wasn’t hysterical, rather sad and hurting – like when something good leaves your life for good. There will be other good things, for sure, but loss and grief are part of the process of getting to them.

Let yourself grieve girl

You are not a robot, you are a human. People hurt when they fail, it’s part of the package deal with emotions. And no, understanding of other side’s failure doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s your grief over something that you wanted and didn’t get. Something good and promising that honestly could have gained you and him a good share of joy and happiness. It didn’t work out though. As banal as it sounds, shit happens.

You both overestimated your readiness – and you both failed. He didn’t want it badly enough to make it into his schedule, you weren’t strong enough to keep your calm and work on it despite awareness of his issue. You started losing it and he started walking away, or maybe it was in the opposite order, instead of staying put and letting him go, trying yet again to lure him in, you went after him, telling him things he already knew, mentally slapping him – predictably, he just kept walking away.

Grow some patience girl – that will be the lesson from this one. Not passive patience – not where you just sit around bored and lazy doing nothing and waiting for his move (his like in some other guy’s) – but learn how to switch. How to turn off the longing. You almost got there this time around. Almost. But you underestimated the complexity of this case and overestimated your chances. Yes, you were too cocky and paid for it.

So take the advice from your other blog’s header – and Live. Love. Repeat. But also add Grieve and Learn between Love and Repeat if I were you. Or else you’ll keep walking in circles. Life is a cruel teacher.

For now just let yourself grieve.

Dealing with my internal director

I AM a control freak! Whenever something goes different than I imagined it to develop, my immediate reaction is to jump in and fix it. No flexibility at all! When for some reason I am not in control of fixing, I freak out. WTF!!! It takes me whole lots of effort to just let go, not freak out and let it go.

I’m like a director who holds a script of her own life in her hands and yells at actors every time they don’t follow it. The only problem is that in relationships, the other party is a director too and they have their own script. I keep forgetting this, it’s one of my problems.

Like in today’s example – the guy went for a conference in the city, I was envisioning lots of messaging in the evenings as he’ll be by himself and not distracted – so when it didn’t happen, moreover, I hardly heard from him yesterday (went out for drinks with a buddy and only messaged me once) as well as haven’t heard from him so far today at all, it took me few hours to untangle the knot in my stomach and force myself into chilling again – what helped was assigning my voice of reason to someone I know – and trying to complain to them in my mind. I was reluctant to do so every time – because it IS silly! And no, it’s not that I am bored and don’t have anything to do – on the contrary – the knot was getting in the way of my productivity big time. So I had to deal with it, and I did.

Another thing that helped was the logical approach I already used before – the yes-no chain – Should I message him? – NO – Loss of control on my side – no further discussion will make any use. What ifs will only drive me more anxious and crazy. End of story. If he doesn’t message, that’s it. If he does, I’ll feel stupid about this whole drama central.