There was some turbulence and tension in the relationship with JM. Reason – no date for what now is most likely to turn into four weeks. Me getting a déjà vu when he said he had all my available evenings next week busy – with getting together with ex colleagues, having parents over (yesterday) and helping his sister – picking up and installing a washing machine.
It felt like I just jumped into a time machine and went back into the G. situation. Where he would always have time to go out with buddies, but would never ask me out except for the Saturdays. I was a Saturdays only thing for him.
So I told JM how I felt – way at the bottom of his list of priorities – I said I was cool with being after the kids, but I didn’t realise that siblings and friends were up there too. And that this wasn’t cool with me. He assured me that I was nowhere close to the bottom of his list of priorities. Far from that. Adding that the last two weeks have been crazy and asking me to have some patience. But not too much, he needed a push here and there.
Realising that two of the three weekends were unavailable because of my trip, as well as knowing his circumstances and that my reaction was somewhat exaggerated by the shadow from the past I mentioned above, I calmed down.
This kind of reflection is so cool! Brings me back to reality, helps resolve any craziness and feel sturdy on my feet again without having to build castles of illusions. Awesomeness.
I also told him I loved him in that same discussion. With a but, of course. Can’t get the frigging crown off my head! It grows back the second I remove it. He replied with lots of happy/heart emojis and said, if we loved each other, we could make this this work. Yesterday he actually said he loved me, no buts either – he’s way better at this whole thing than me.
What we currently have is a virtual romance that has sporadic episodes of real dates. My concern so far was the good old fear of ‘He’s just not that into me’. But something didn’t add up in this explanation. I was keeping my eyes wide open while watching and listening to him – none of that made me doubt for a second that he did care for me. Unless my intuition radar was broken down, but it never happened to it before.
And then it clicked – it’s not me, it’s him! (Duh!). Not lack of attraction or desire on his side, it’s his own bane where he puts the wishes of others over his own! Here’s a tricky part to explain – what about my wishes? Shouldn’t they be high on his list? They should, but there’s a twist – even two. From what I gather, he’s used to be ordered around – people may ask for favours from him, but they pretty much expect him to say yes. I don’t! I leave it up to him to either do it or not. So I phrase my wishes in a format of “I miss you” or “I can’t wait to see you again” and not “When are we getting together next?”. But that’s secondary, really. The main screw-up is that his wishes and my wishes are the same! So unless he bumps up his wishes, mine will stay down there too.
I put together a lengthy letter to him explaining the observation from previous paragraph. He read it (I asked if cared to read it first, before sending it) and told me I knew him too well, that it was indeed his main problem – he was able to identify it, moreover, it must have been one of the major reasons his marriage failed (not really, but I didn’t say so), the only thing left is how to address it – every time he tries to act upon his own wishes he’s being told he’s selfish and feels guilty. I can relate on so many levels that I am sure I’ll be able to help him with this issue. Training someone on becoming more selfish is way easier than the opposite. And I am kidding, it’s not being selfish, it’s just learning how to smack some sense into people who believe that you’re their slave.