The way I feel it, there is this invisible edge between being openly emotional and passionate even in interactions with a guy and illusions. I’ve never been this open, honest or emotional with anyone before. The advantage of it (except for the obvious one – a huge positive reaction on the other side) is that I don’t feel like I am bottling up feelings inside. They don’t get trapped and brew addiction on the inside while I am a Snow Queen on the outside.
Still I felt a danger to it yesterday – it also could lead to illusions and addiction – reminds me of this quote I saw on few occasions recently – “Follow your heart but take your brain with you”. To be spontaneous and warm, one needs to sort of unleash their emotional side. And in my case emotions running wild mean that illusions will follow almost instantaneously.
So I came up with this prevention tools – while I’m in that moment, the emotions get behind the wheel – the brain stays in passenger seat securely belted in to prevent any intervention, but the second the conversation is over, the brain takes over. How do I switch back and forth?
When the brain tries to interfere during an interaction, it’s usually in the form of a greedy controlling and anxious bitch – “Don’t say that, his head will get too big!”, “What if he doesn’t feel the same?”, “What if it doesn’t work out?”, “Do You really feel that way?”, “Well that one is too slutty” etc. But I can totally push back with “I feel this way right now, I’m getting a positive response, back off!”, “I’m enjoying the here and now, whatever happens next won’t change the fun now”, and the quote of “Love isn’t love till you give it away”.
On the other hand, when I catch myself daydreaming between communications, I slap my hand. I switch topics in my mind. I remind myself that I need to look at the actions, not words, and there weren’t many so far, really. I also tell myself that the way you feel at the moment of interaction is at least a dozen or more degrees higher than outside of it, so it must work both ways. In other words, I keep dumping mental ice buckets over myself to not let me get too hopeful or excited.
Switching between the two modes is challenging at times, but the more I practice, the easier it gets.