Keep it up gal, keep it up!

Knocking on the wood – I think I found a way to stay balanced and sound. It took me awhile, and I am not sure at all that this state is here to stay. I hope it is.

There was a test to this calmness yesterday, where I again suggested we met – as he was passing my town on his way back from his work related trip to the city. Stating that in the end it made no difference to me – whether we met yesterday or on Friday – the kids will be for an evening without me in either case.

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Nailed it! :)

There was some turbulence and tension in the relationship with JM. Reason – no date for what now is most likely to turn into four weeks. Me getting a déjà vu when he said he had all my available evenings next week busy – with getting together with ex colleagues, having parents over (yesterday) and helping his sister – picking up and installing a washing machine.

It felt like I just jumped into a time machine and went back into the G. situation. Where he would always have time to go out with buddies, but would never ask me out except for the Saturdays. I was a Saturdays only thing for him.

So I told JM how I felt – way at the bottom of his list of priorities – I said I was cool with being after the kids, but I didn’t realise that siblings and friends were up there too. And that this wasn’t cool with me. He assured me that I was nowhere close to the bottom of his list of priorities. Far from that. Adding that the last two weeks have been crazy and asking me to have some patience. But not too much, he needed a push here and there.

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Why I both agree and disagree with the He’s Just Not That Into You book

The title came up last night in a conversation with my girlfriend. I have read the book twice during my dating studying period (which is still ongoing, really).

The book pretty much tells you to stop coming up with excuses as to why a guy isn’t getting in touch with you/asking you out/moving in with you etc. The reason for those according to the author, is in the book’s title. And the universal solution for the issue suggested in the book is simple – You’re a princess, move on, you deserve better!

I agree with the author on the first item – yup, if a guy is not taking it to the next level, he is only interested in the level you are currently at. Or even worse – is trying to take a step back and return a level or few levels back.

What I don’t agree with though is the “you’re awesome, dump him and move on, don’t waste your time” part. And not because of the silly idea of “He is The One!”. I don’t honestly believe in the halves or ideal matches or any of this romantic crap. There’s no Mr. Right for anyone. There are people who may be compatible. Once you work through the differences, you may get there.

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I’m back from vacation in Europe – curbing the emotions works!

Exactly a year ago I went on vacation to Europe when I was in a similar stage of relationship with G. Although I managed to enjoy it, I clearly remember a feeling of longing that was always in the back of my mind pulling at me and not letting me enjoy the trip in the fullest.

The same feeling was back this time around – the first two or three days that is. I felt I was surrounded by happy couples – they were everywhere! (speaking of tunnel vision!). It was quite different from the camping trip in July too – there weren’t many people around, so I didn’t have the feeling. And then it was gone, resurfacing here and there, but overall I was able to actually be present in the place – both mind and body. I was so proud of myself! I wasn’t noticing couples anymore – rather hot guys and nicely dressed pretty gals.

I think I finally found a switch in my mind – the one that controls emotions. My gals got an impression that I am not that into JM at all – or so it sounded. But it was my control breaks engaged at their fullest – there is no use in discussing a guy with friends over and over again – it’s quite dangerous, actually – the more time I spend talking about him, the more important he becomes for me. I shouldn’t be doing his job in the relationship – the real person should be working on keeping my attention, not my imagination. While I work on keeping his. 🙂

Another day, another great date

JM and I met in a small town that is located at a beautiful river with what used to be a quarry, and currently is a place for swimming. There’s also a nice trail that runs in the forest at the top of the cliff overlooking the river below. (Actually, I have visited it few times before, once with S., but I am not superstitious).

First we went for a walk on the trail – and I was right in my suspicions that the guy is totally uncomfortable with showing affection in public – the best I got so far was a quick hug when we meet and holding hands. The moment we are alone though things get more interesting, so I don’t mind and I actually find it cute and even sexy. He seems to be protective about his private life. So are many people. I am not saying I’d be going far in public, but I am definitely less shy – I couldn’t care less what the others will think if anything at all.

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Awwwww – an impromptu dinner

JM came over to my place for a visit last night! It was a totally spontaneous thing too! I messaged him when I was leaving the office complaining how I just survived a day from hell and yet another was coming. I also told him the day before that the kids were sleeping over at ex’s.

He messaged back asking what happened and telling me he was planning a visit to the mall in town to buy shoes. Asked me what my plans for the evening were.

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Walking the fine line – dating thoughts

The way I feel it, there is this invisible edge between being openly emotional and passionate even in interactions with a guy and illusions. I’ve never been this open, honest or emotional with anyone before. The advantage of it (except for the obvious one – a huge positive reaction on the other side) is that I don’t feel like I am bottling up feelings inside. They don’t get trapped and brew addiction on the inside while I am a Snow Queen on the outside.

Still I felt a danger to it yesterday – it also could lead to illusions and addiction – reminds me of this quote I saw on few occasions recently – “Follow your heart but take your brain with you”. To be spontaneous and warm, one needs to sort of unleash their emotional side. And in my case emotions running wild mean that illusions will follow almost instantaneously.

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