Knocking on the wood – JM guy

He’s for real! OMG!!! No matter how things go from here, but he’s like a breath of fresh air!

I know, I know, I must have had said it about G. too at some point. But I must have said all the things and more about G. That’s how obsessions work.

Here it’s different. For one, I am different. I am not that desperate-to-find Mr. Right lady who both has huge doubts about her sellability in the dating market on one hand and wears this massive tiara on her head of how she’s smart and funny and witty and whatnot and how any guy MUST appreciate her on the other hand. (And here I was wondering what made me feel this unbalanced!)

Also, I was soooo inexperienced with guys a year ago – and lacked confidence too – any compliment or hint at our closeness that G. made I’d grab greedily and save in my BS piggy bank, feeling eternally grateful for them towards their source. (Man, JM makes more compliments in a day than G. would make in a month I guess (like today among other things he said we made a perfect pair – that’d be something I’d be losing my mind over if it came from G. at any point). I was certain the guy had good intentions just because I wanted to believe they were that way.

Having gone through a dating turmoil of the last year (yes, including the six months with G.), as well as having done some research on relationships and dating, I am quite far ahead in the game now. I can sense BS from far away. I don’t put much value into words either. (I must admit, I may have overdone scepticism and deflation on the latter a bit).

With all of the above in mind, I am still persuaded that JM is for real. The way he behaves – both in messages and in in-person interactions gives away his inexperience in dating, his interest in me and his willingness to change something in his life to make space for me (his words). I am very much aware that intentions alone mean nothing. But so far he’s been acting up to them. And honestly, having seen what the dating market’s got to offer, this guy is worth having patience with.

I’m not saying I’ll let him get away with some BS excuses or worse even, be disrespectful towards me – as I did with G. But my intuition tells me he’s trustworthy, and that bitch is the most suspicious and paranoid part of me. I guess it contributed to me becoming so quickly unstable with G. – he must have been sending some signals to set it off (sidelong glances were one thing, his confusing and entangled breakup story was surely the other one). I just ignored them until I caught him red-handed. But with JM it keeps its quiet. Yup, it says, he’s on call for work this weekend, we won’t be seeing him, it’s all cool. Makes some space to fire up his interest, that’s all. Let’s go to the movies with that awesome girlfriend of yours instead and chill out!

I already semi-jokingly told him off on two occasions where I felt a sniff of him being somewhat disrespectful. He didn’t mean it, I know for sure, but I also want to make sure that this time I send a clear message across – show some respect Mister or else…

At the same time I have never been this openly passionate or spontaneous with a guy in words or actions in my life. I tell him he released the genie from a bottle inside of me, but that’s not entirely true. Fine, I think it’s a lie. He may have triggered its release, I’ll give him that, but the truth is, I let it out myself. I had a similar experience when I was sexting with my Bisexual buddy, but the only reason I could do it with him was the combination of our long-time history, the oddness and surrealism of it all. In other words, it felt like it wasn’t for real at all, a make-pretend game. Now I am very well aware that it’s all for real, and yet I am not feeling ashamed or shy or awkward, on the contrary, I feel even more excited because of the reality of it, and his enthusiastic response to it too. 🙂 (We don’t exactly sext either, but it’s not the point).

The guy excites me a lot, I got somewhat carried away with it today taking few steps ahead of from where we currently are, had some worrying about it, but it all got smoothed out in the end. Another lesson learned – one sentence or action cannot ruin it all, so there’s no point of trying to pinpoint the exact moment when it all went down- or uphill. It’s a process – like I once wrote before, one misstep cannot ruin the whole dance unless you lose rhytm, tact and balance and fall over yourself. Just keep dancing and it’ll be just fine.


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