I am back! Another JM update

I realised I’ve abandoned this blog recently. Oopsie.

So after the crazy date on my birthday we were supposed to meet this Monday. Which is ten days later, but he’s been busy with valid stuff (as opposed to BS stuff in G.’s case) in-between.

He ended up cancelling the Monday one – his ex got sick, his kids were hosting a sleepover at her place and ended up transferring it over to his place.

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Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies…

It’s so easy to fall into illusions, really. The one I fall into mostly is: “He’s into me, but…”. Ah, so nice to use this one. He tells you those nice things. Repeatedly. So it makes it easier to build the illusion too!

But my wiser girlfriends are right – one should look at the actions, not words. And it friggin helps! A lot! Another thing that helps is the fear. Falling for illusions is similar to going for those cash credits – you get satisfaction today, or at least lull your worries, but at a steep price in the future.

It’s hard to keep in sync with reality, especially when it’s not what you’d like it to be. But this is the only way to go. You can’t fall for the make-believe BS that you feel so right, so tempting, so amazing! The price is too high – the reality keeps getting in the way and you dive deeper into the illusions credits to keep the fairy tale afloat.

My way these  days is the hard way – yes, he doesn’t want it anywhere near as much as I do. Yes, I may lose in the end. Yes, it’s me who will have to work for it hard at this point. Yes, he doesn’t really know what he wants. But keeping all these things in mind, I know he’s worth a shot. And I know I enjoy his company. I also know that the dating scene is as far from fairy tale things as it can be. So I am taking a step at a time, don’t overthink it, handle disappointments whenever they arrive remembering the big picture (the things I listed above) and find myself calmer than usual considering the circumstances. Woot woot!

Best friends ever!

Three girlfriends asked me yesterday and today what the matter was and if I needed any help.

You’re the best! Thank you, I cannot tell you how much it means to me! ❤

The matter was that I had an episode of paranoia, so me at this stage of a relationship! I imagined that JM had an onset of cool-off – he wouldn’t reply to my messages for few hours, didn’t call me the sweet nicknames or initiate any flirting – only replied to mine. I know, Apocalypses today, right?

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 “The Universe sent me, remember? ;)”

All those small things, signs if you will – like how I wrote a message to the Universe and you appeared at the same time… Or how my Match subscription auto renewed on me, letting you find me. How conveniently the car seats were not in their normal places both times we had fun in my van… How the parking lot was empty in S. when you gave me a lift and you parked in front of a huge bush that granted us some privacy…

I think we are a great match, I won’t use the word perfect, not yet. I also think that I am falling for you and this is the first time in my life where it is accompanied not only by excitement, joy and hopefulness, but it also feels right. I hope it doesn’t let me down. You’re the first thing that I think about in the morning and the last one when I fall asleep at night.

I am not obsessed, mind you, I keep my life outside of our relationship going – I get energy for other things from it.

The dormant demons that are inside of me started stirring a bit – you made my birthday the best one in forever, we had the best sex ever too – so I don’t blame these guys awaken by fear of losing you. At the same time, I lull them back to sleep – worst case scenario – where you walk away from me – I will still be grateful for this magic time we had together. I will respect your free will, your decision and your choice, and eventually will close this chapter of my life just like I did few others before.

Best birthday ever!

JM and I got together in the evening, went for a stroll in a park in downtown of the town I live in. (After we found parking spots and each other once we had parked). Turned out he forgot to bring the brandy bottle I bought him another day, so we drove to a liquor store, went back into downtown and went for dinner.

The dinner didn’t go as planned at all – we tried a pub that had good reviews first – but it was closed yesterday. We went to a really nice Japanese place after that – and the lineup scared me away (he didn’t care either way). So we ended up going into a place that presented itself as Italian I guess, but was ran by people from ex-Yugoslavia. The food wasn’t bad, but as we learned later on, it actually was.

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Another relationship observation

Like I mentioned before, I used to have huge issues with complimenting and praising guys. People in general actually, but guys especially. I’m not sure, but this may be stemming in the way they raised and educated us back in my home country – you didn’t get praised just because, praise had to be deserved.

I couldn’t just say “I think you’re amazing!” – first of all, for that first reason, and secondly, fearing they’d think I was lying!

This is also why I was getting suspicious every time a guy would compliment or praise me, there HAD to be hidden motives behind it, one doesn’t just simply compliment others for no reason!

The big downside of it (except for the unnecessary level of suspiciousness towards others) was that I would be bursting with admiration for someone on the inside while appearing cool and even uninterested on the outside! It’s a surefire zip line into failure and illusions too. Duh!

Now I’ve gotten way better at that. It’s actually fun and it prevents the bursting effect – when I don’t have all that admiration bottled up, it doesn’t fill up my mind, lets me do my own things and keep calm and cool while I am not in touch with the guy. Awesome!

I’m falling for the guy

I’ll admit, things are pretty well on the right track. For now. (I always have to remember to add this one!). It’s the first time that I am not exactly falling, or diving into deeper feelings than just liking (not love yet, nope), but rather sliding into it, slowly sinking (although sinking might be a bad verb to use in the case, somewhat negative, but oh well).

And I like this new sensation of being in control of myself while recording an increasing level of fancy and attachment. I realise very well that so many things can go wrong and lead to a crush of the whole situation or at least to a cooldown. I also don’t idealise the guy at all, I see his shortcomings clearly (in my subjective opinion of course) – never happened before at this stage. And yet at the same time I know that I like what I see – and I like it more as time goes by. It’s soooo exciting – not to let the fiery, passionate stream that I feel inside to overthrow my mind and logics, but let them both work together – where mind takes over for the time where we aren’t together, and the passionate beast is out of the closet for the dates – but still leashed and guided by the mind too – the latter turned out to be somewhat shy too, surprisingly so, or it may be JM’s influence on me – but OMG, I am a confident chatterbox on the outside, but a fidgety blushing mess on the inside. Whatever comes out of it, it’s a very interesting experience for sure. A very fun one too!

At the same time I somehow managed to tune to his wave – I don’t have to always guess what’s up with him – I can clearly see the dynamics – and they’re positive as well (for now, yes). It’s fascinating to watch a tightly shut clam as it slowly opens up, giving way to a sensitive and quite passionate person inside. It makes me feel happy for him, really, the guy’s a kind and good person, he totally needs some fun, and I feel excited to be part of making it happen. (Part of it, yes, not at the centre of it at all, he is in there, where he was able to realise things weren’t well with his life and to take steps to try and change it – this one is actually admirable on its own).

Things are well with JM

We went for another date last night, the one where he was making up for last Wednesday. (He asked me out, said he’d be passing my town on his way from the city to his town and ended up getting stuck in the city until nine pm. There was a big issue there – he said he’d message me when he was leaving the city to agree on time and place to meet. So he didn’t message until 9 pm. As much as I am calmer and cooler these days, I was pretty pissed and worried by then. And somewhat drunk to handle those two. So in a calm manner and as peacefully as I could get, using I-messages I told him how that was not cool. He tried to play stupid at first (guys and how they never want to apologise), but I dismissed that in a blink of an eye – so he apologised and said if something like that happened again, he’d be in touch and not leave me hanging in a limbo for the whole evening. I also spelled it out that I wasn’t mad at how we didn’t get to get together – it’s a bummer, but oh well – but at how he didn’t send me an update when he realised he wouldn’t be able to make it.)

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What men want

I borrowed the title from that funny movie with Mel Gibson where he was reading girls’ minds trying to figure out what it was they really wanted.

When I’ve started dating again, I wasn’t big on empathy at all. It was all about Me and a relationship, really. Do I like him? Does he like Me enough? Does the relationship develop fast enough or at all? Is it time to ask about the status? Is it time to do this or that? Those were the kind of questions that were going through my head back then.

I was obsessed with the idea of a relationship in general, not the particular one that was happening here and now. I seek some guidelines, some metrics I could measure my relationship against to establish if it was on the right track.

In all this obsession I missed a major success factor – the guy himself and his wishes, desires and preferences. I wasn’t paying attention to the subject, only to the object and my feelings about it all. Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me which didn’t take long to take place either.

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