Based on the relationship readings and my own thoughts I came up with some more contemplation.
Like I mentioned before, it’s all about boundaries and control. I took ownership of entertaining myself. I am the maker of not only my own destiny in general, but my moods in particular. Certain things affect me for sure, I get upset when somebody disappoints me in this way or the other, but it’s my responsibility to deal with these feelings.
Now I also accept these feelings as an integral part of myself. I allow myself to feel them. I don’t push them away, I don’t try to hide or run from them. I am not trying to hastily find some means to distract or entertain myself, I let myself hurt. Rephrasing Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook, I like my upset and whiny part just like all other parts. It doesn’t make me weak or bad or whatnot. It’s a part of who I am, not an unwelcome orphan anymore.
Now that I have reached internal wholeness (well, at least got closer to it and balanced some things out, accepted the others), I am going to try and find the right guy. Not right now, like I said in the previous post, I am too tired of feeling disappointed at this point.
When I like a guy (and I definitely feel attracted to the guy I was going to go out with last Sunday), I have set certain rules of engagement for myself.
- No overthinking or continuous thinking about the guy in general – one may say it’s easier said than done, but back to my first point here – it’s all about control. I can control my thoughts as well as I can control my actions. Too much attention to a guy in my mind inevitably leads to two things – illusions start generating and I become too hopeful and therefore too unstable.
- No reading into the words – or taking any of them seriously – unless they’re supported by actions. This guy, for instance, has already invited himself to my place, said he’d take me on a plane ride and even hinted at his willingness to meet my mom at some point – my old naïve and crazy self would be lightheaded and thrilled by now. My current self is quite skeptical about this whole shitload of words. “I’ll believe it when I see it” (Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it’s all BS, he may mean it at the moment he says it. But moments are fleeing, can’t exactly count on these for the future).
- To stay in my own boundaries and to attract a guy at the same time my task is to concentrate on demonstrating my own interest and the traits that he may or may not find attractive. If he doesn’t find them interesting, fine, I move on, look for a new buyer. At the same time I should be continuously evaluating the guy to see if I find him suitable for myself. Continuously is the bitch in my case.
Previously I was pretty much obsessed with two things – trying to evaluate if the guy would be good for me (and that one was kinda black and white – once I decided he might work, I wasn’t weighing the pros and cons out anymore – I stamped their case ACCEPTED and became their most devoted and loyal advocate going forward – I felt the urge to protect them against everyone and everything – including their own flaws and my commons sense); and once that stamp was in place, I became so scared I might lose this precious treasure, that my goal was to make them see how awesome I was, that I deserved them.
Now I realise that this was a case of a seriously bad judgement (making a FINAL call on whether a guy was something that could work on an early stage and never revisiting this decision) on one hand, and a low self-esteem on the other hand. I tried to talk myself into believing that a girl’s insecurity may appear cute and charming, but it’s BS! There’s nothing attractive or sweet about low self-esteem and its babies – insecurity, paranoia, clinginess and nervousness. Nothing sexy about them either. I attract guys by coming across as confident and self-sufficient, but I lose these qualities once I fall for somebody. So they backtrack and run. Ironically, I actually Am both. Just not in a crush situation. As the crush recedes, I stabilize. I guess that was the reason why so many of my relationships had comebacks in them – where a guy would run away at the peak of my craziness and then return when he saw that I was my pre-crush old good self again. Conclusion – prevent myself from crushing. Again, I am certain I can do that – by keeping my hobbies and other interests going at the early stages of a relationship as well as by following the rules I laid out above.