As I’ve stated earlier, one of my major issues in dating is that I am too fast to turn on my illusions generator when I meet a guy. A common problem I guess. Or so it seems.
After some more consideration, here’s what I’m currently doing to overcome the issue:
- No overthinking. Nill. Zero. If I feel bored or find spare time and am tempted to think about a guy, I stop in my mental tracks and either do something else or think about other stuff – turns out it’s easier than I thought it would!
- No getting mad at a guy for doing something “wrong” or not doing something either. He doesn’t message “enough”/ask you out/…? Too bad, he doesn’t feel the urge then, move on! I cannot make someone else do something or stop doing something. Why spend time and energy getting upset about it? All I can do is try and behave in a way that will make him want to do things I would like him to. But if that doesn’t fly, so be it. Let it go. No regrets, no looking back and generating the what ifs.
- No turning the dating situation into a happy place where I can escape to from my real life problems. First of all, there are no escape places whatsoever. Secondly, one doesn’t really need those – resolving problems feels rewarding in the end. May be stressful in the process, but that’s a good kind of stress – you’re getting somewhere. Whereas sitting around and daydreaming of a romance as a cure for all your problems gets you nowhere but dicksands.
- A cemented realisation that I am the maker and breaker of both my own happiness and gloom. I shouldn’t be looking outside to make me happy or blame them for feeling miserable.
So we were sleepless this fair summer Wednesday night, which we both will regret come Thursday, but what the hell!
To somehow entertain us during this insomnia ordeal, I was choosing between a bath which also entails the hideous leg shaving and going back to our sweet lil blog and trying to figure out the approximate moment when things went south with G. (Disclaimer for the Dear Reader: I am no longer obsessed with the guy, I am trying to analyse my mistakes to prevent them from happening in the future).
Sorry I got distracted. We are in finance – so we’re pretty good with numbers (or so you’d hope!). Here’s a number for ya – 260! Two-hundred-and-sixty! This is how many posts you wrote over the six months of seeing the guy. Hey, did you even have time to actually see him? Cuz this is an average (don’t we love our numbers!) of 1.4 posts a day. You wrote on the subject more than once every day! Guess what my reaction was – and if you think I thought it was cute, I’ll friggin smack you!
Continue reading “Dear Me,”
I’m not sure I even should be coming up with a nickname for this guy anymore, why bother. Let’s call him JM, that’s the guy I was supposed to get out for a third date this weekend. Never happened.
I left town to go for a show on Saturday, but was back in town by six pm, replied to his message to only hear back from him at nightfall. We’ve messaged some during Sunday, eventually agreeing to get together at around eight. An hour before that he told me his son decided to come over and that he had to cancel. I said I totally understood how kids came first, but still it was too bad I wouldn’t see him that night. He apologized and said how sorry he was and how he was all set and ready for our meeting when he got the news.
I haven’t heard from him this morning yet, and I am definitely not going to initiate any contact with him. If he disappears, so be it. Whether the cancellation reasons were true or just a cover-up for putting me on a backburner, it’s unimportant. I am done being understanding and accommodating – I only look at results now – no date for the second time in a row is pretty much a big fuckup.
I’ve been down the “Maybe it’s not him, maybe it’s the circumstances” path few times by now. There is one big disappointment at the end of it.
“One who wants to do something, will find a way; one who doesn’t will find an excuse.”
I was messaging with a guy, we talked about flying planes, and I said I’d probably try it for a quick sec as long as there were parachutes on board. And the autocorrect decided I meant to say “quick sex”! Was quite embarrassed but also amused.
Based on the relationship readings and my own thoughts I came up with some more contemplation.
Like I mentioned before, it’s all about boundaries and control. I took ownership of entertaining myself. I am the maker of not only my own destiny in general, but my moods in particular. Certain things affect me for sure, I get upset when somebody disappoints me in this way or the other, but it’s my responsibility to deal with these feelings.
Now I also accept these feelings as an integral part of myself. I allow myself to feel them. I don’t push them away, I don’t try to hide or run from them. I am not trying to hastily find some means to distract or entertain myself, I let myself hurt. Rephrasing Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook, I like my upset and whiny part just like all other parts. It doesn’t make me weak or bad or whatnot. It’s a part of who I am, not an unwelcome orphan anymore.
Continue reading “Self-digging and dating ground rules”
After a break in blogging caused by month end busyness I am back!
In the meantime I went for that second date I wrote about – and this was the last one with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt – i.e. some people may feel quite uncomfortable in the first date setting and thus come across as boring. This guy was as boring on the second one as he was on the first one. I honestly tried to get him talking – to no avail. Oh well.
The second guy, the one I was supposed to go out on a third date on Sunday, cancelled the date – his version was that he was on call for work, got called in and then had to reschedule the fishing trip with his son for the evening. I didn’t sit around guessing whether it was true or if he just put me on a backburner. No more overthinking.
We then continued messaging and he asked me if I would be up to going out for a drink yesterday. My kids were returning home from the ex last night and I don’t think accepting an invitation for the same day is a good idea whatsoever, so we’ve talked rescheduling, currently we are tentatively scheduled for Friday night (depending on whether his kids will come over to his place or not).
Otherwise I am on a break on Match, I realised that this whole mismatching situation started to seriously get on my nerves. It’s a catch 22, where you either end up getting disappointed in the guy you spend some time talking to and then going out with and realising he’s not good for you, or the reversed situation, where he makes that conclusion. I do realise that one cannot make an omelette without breaking the eggs, but I am currently tired of this cycle of disappointments, so I decided to put it on hold.
Going out for two dates this weekend – a second and a third date respectively. Different guys, lol.
The third date guy is my favourite so far, he’s funny, cute and smart.
Both of them message me daily, I’ve spent few hours that were way beyond my bedtime last week chatting with the favourite guy. ^_^
Yesterday he asked me if I had any hot dates lined up for the weekend except for the Sunday date. That was the first time he inquired about competition, lol. I made a joke of how my running trail and my computer game were my hot dates and asked if he had any.
The date two guy was too enthusiastic in the beginning, now that I have quit answering every text he sends, I am free of his daily routine updates. Yeah, cuz I care about his lunches so much!
Dutch Buddy is back too – after over a week of silence he sends me his selfie with a comment of how he decided to let his beard grow again. A very important information for me indeed. Told him I had two dates this weekend, said Yikes in response. At times I really want to punch this guy! 😡
This huge imbalance I seem to get into every time I start seeing someone has been bugging me big time. So I tried looking at it from all possible angles. Explanation of how I had a traumatic experience with my ex in the past was not convincing – I don’t believe a single episode that I had hard time remembering can affect one’s mind this strongly for this long.
So I kept digging. And I discovered an amazing thing – I wasn’t accepting myself. I mean, I couldn’t love myself unconditionally. Just for being me. I always had to deserve my own fancy, respect and any other warm feelings. Being me wasn’t good enough. And all those flaws, ugh! One needs to try harder to beat them all!
From that I figured there was no way a guy would really like me for who I was – they had to be after certain things a gal can provide, once they got it, certainly, they’d move on. That’s what made me this insecure I guess.
Now I have changed my attitude to me – I like me! A lot. Yes, I am not ideal, yes, there are flaws and a list of things that could be improved, no doubt. But at the same time I have achieved lots of things too. I managed to exterminate certain traits of my character that were not great. I also got a decent career, I am honest, loyal, and faithful and many more things that make me a good partner. I am also quite easy going, fun and understanding. I have my hobbies, so no neediness. I have kids, so I am under no pressure in that aspect either. I have nowhere to rush at all! And I am not high maintenance either (no matter what that lazy ass G. might have thought).
All in all, I ❤ me