Seems like situations with S. and G. have rubbed me the wrong way. Now if a guy’s been quiet even for a short time, I tend to think it means he’s changed his mind and rush to write off the whole thing. Not a very moderate approach I’d say. But at least I’ve gotten good at not overthinking it – I force myself to switch topics in my head. It works surprisingly well!
For this part I’ll drop the shopping analogy.
Once the dating begins, you need to remember one thing about Sunday date, on few occasions he said how he believed I was what he needed. Oh, really?! Well, I am what many people may find attractive, if you believe that stating this flatters me, you’re so wrong! A gal with low self-esteem might buy into this. One with a healthy one gets irritated by your arrogance. Show me what you got that makes you a good match for me! I’ll show you what I have. If we both feel we like what we see, we’ll get together again.
Any relationship between two independent self-sufficient parties works only when the parties can meet each other’s needs and/or wants. It’s an exchange, like any other. Parent-child relationship is different as kids are neither independent nor self-sufficient.
When an adult feels a need for a relationship, they venture out on a search. But before doing so, the first step should be revising your own assets and liabilities so to say. It’s like when you’re about to leave home for grocery shopping, you make sure you bring your wallet along. No freebies in the stores. Same here. Can’t enter into an exchange without realising you have something to offer.
So I’ve decided to go over my posts about S. To try and see if I can figure out what I did wrong.
My conclusion – I was totally mental. This blog has a very suitable name for me back then. All those major mistakes of being self-centered, obsessed with the guy (yes, you can be selfish in being obsessed with somebody), acting and coming across as desperate, insecure and therefore needy and clingy.
In all my posts from that period did I once wonder what it was that the guy needed or was looking for. I was all the dream girl who is about to make the guy happy. And getting stressed out and later on angry at him for not rushing in to claim his happiness. So arrogant and selfish, really.
Also was in a strong denial of seeing the obvious – the guy was interested in the beginning, his interest lost its steam very soon because of my crazy behaviour. I would explain his reluctance to keep it going by anything but the actual reason – he wasn’t that into me. No wonder too – asking the guy for exclusivity after two dates – SERIOUSLY?!! Whoa! I’m surprised he stuck around for as long as he did!
I’ll try to summarise the simple dating rules that I have crystallised for myself by now and that I use at this point in a separate post.
Is too much. Even for a long weekend! I went on a first date yesterday, spent FIVE hours with the dude. It was my last attempt at going out with a guy who is from my country. I mean it! He sounded like he was a tad weird, but interesting in the beginning. Then the paint of interesting started to peel off and the show-off cheap redneck revealed. I suggested we wrapped it up three or four times I guess. To no avail. Then I sort of just went with the flow – didn’t have anything planned for the evening anyways, so decided to just watch the show and perform a bit myself. At some point he even invited me over to his place! That’s the first one! And his town is 80 miles away too, so it was a sleepover invitation. That night he messaged me inviting for a walk in a park today (which I dodged with a lie, yup), he called me this morning and just tried calling me five mins back too (at half past ten!!!). Ugh, my countrymen are so blunt!
Today I went out with another guy from Match. He was quite the opposite from the yesterday’s experience – he was open, honest and quite unassuming, he listed his quite impressive achievements in his career very matter-of-factly, which made a very positive impression. He seems somewhat boring and well, simple I guess is the word, but hey, this is a drama free territory! If I wanted drama, I might as well have kept my ex, drama was the one and probably only thing he was good at! We spent over two hours in a coffee shop, he asked me if I wanted to eat something suggesting dinner, messaged me afterwards saying I was intelligent, pretty and interesting to talk to, and he makes an overall good reliable impression. Also asked if I were up to dinner or movies some time. So he is interested for sure. I’ll keep him on my list, lol.
The Friday second date guy messaged me too, said he passed his pilot test today.
Keep dancing, keep dancing… And ladies, if you haven’t yet, watch The Ugly Truth, I’ve watched it for the third time today, it has good stuff on dating – it’s exaggerated and makes all wrong conclusions, but watch the lady closely, she’s doing lots of smart stuff without even suspecting it.
Last year has taught me many things I am grateful for. Yet another one is to not take statements like: “One day I’d like to <…> with you” for anything. (Put any nice verb in place of ellipsis – for example, travel). It’s certainly not a promise. Not even a statement of intention. It’s a way of saying “I’m currently interested”. That’s it. Don’t read into any of this. It only creates illusions that cloud your judgement. At least in my experience.
I met with the same guy from last Saturday on Friday. The date scheduling was same evening and went:
– What’s on the go tonight?
– I’m going on a run now, then walk the dog. You?
– I’m doing this and that and then clean… unless I get a better option. 🙂 Then cleaning can wait 😛
– Are you suggesting something?
– I could probably be convinced to do something??
– Oh. You need convincing, huh? Interesting.
– I’ve lead a boring sheltered life for so long… I have no idea what the world has to offer.
– I’m flattered by the idea that you think I’m more knowledgeable on the subject. How about drinks at a pub halfway between our towns?
– I’d love to join you for a drink. I’ll find a good spot.
– <sends a link to a cafe that has boardgames> Have you been there?
– Nope. Boardgames and beer, huh? I’ll have to revise my outfit, but sure, let’s go there 🙂
– Haha.. You don’t have to dress up for me 🙂 I’m fairly casual. What time do you want to meet?
– <my WTF boys are so full of themselves kicks in> Hey, who said it was for you?! I enjoy dressing up. Men! *rolling eyes* Would eight work for you? I’t a longer drive for you, I could do later too.
– Lol.. you can wear whatever you like 😉 8 sounds good.
-I’m humbled by your generous assent. 😀 I’ll see you there at eight.
Way back when I’ve learned somewhere that when you register on job search websites like Monster or Workopolis, you need to edit your profile every so often – it’ll bump you up on some search list or whatnot – even if you only change a comma.
I decided to try the same on the dating site (I am not posting its name in this post just in case they have a contest search and will fix this “bug”) – and it so works! Whenever I change a word or two in my profile, I get a wave of activity from guys. I did it few times, just to make sure it wasn’t coincidence – now I can say with certainty it isn’t.
I’ve realised I hadn’t written anything about my date on Saturday. That’s probably because I didn’t put much hope in it.
First of all, the guy found me on Facebook – he saw my profile on Match, but had no account and didn’t want to start one – so he did some searching by clues I had in my profile and invited me to connect on Facebook. Once I’ve accepted (I rarely accept invites from people I don’t know, but in this case I just did), he messaged me telling me how he found me, some things about himself as well as suggesting we get together for a coffee if I was up for that. I accepted.
Secondly, he said in his message that he was fresh out of marriage, so he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship yet. Which I interpreted as “Great, yet another guy looking for just fun”. The last year has made me quite sceptical, I know. Rightly so too.
From how I feel about life, one needs to submit a request to the Universe to get something. You cannot just wish for a something, it should be better defined to get the forces into motion. Since I am stuck with Match for three more months (sigh), I might as well try to put together a
shopping wish list.
I am submitting my request for a nice guy. I want him to be:
- Date ready – feel the need to meet someone great and try and take it somewhere from there, not just for a night or two, no fuck buddying situations either
- Funny and smart – I have no patience for stupid anymore
- Independent and decisive – no more having a third child nonsense
- Attracted to me – all of the above is useless to me unless this one is there
- Have a life – no coach potatoes, they turn me into a crazy obsessed version of myself
- Financially stable – I’m not in a position to grant any financial assistance – even if I wanted to
- Decently looking – I guess it’s my shallow side talking, I can’t look past appearance and date garden gnomes
- My age or older – seems like my past experience with a younger ex was too traumatic