Being adult fucking hurts!

Our math teacher used to say how being stupid was convenient. I always was the first one to agree – not trying hard enough to understand things was my diagnosis for people who were called stupid by others.

Transferring the same idea on responsibility I realise, I was stupid in it. I.e. infantile. There were my wants and needs, so they had to be fulfilled by the rest of the world. Vision of the world as the huge mom’s boob that will give you what you want the second you start asking.

This approach doesn’t leave space for respect for needs and wants of others. Well, maybe it does, but those come second.

Moreover, like with so many other things, infantilism has its levels. And did I despise people who had more of it in their nature! Yet again, it proves the point, where if something annoys you in others, it must be your own trait you are trying to attack. A healthy reaction is indifference. You see something that is not right in a person in your opinion, you just shrug your shoulders and move on. Their problem, not yours. Unless it’s someone you care for, in that case, you may want to address it – again, keeping in your borders.

Now that I have internalised the issue, I am fighting it. One of the steps in the direction was to leave the Dutch Buddy alone. He was and still is important to me. I am emotionally attached to the guy, for so many reasons. But this is my problem and my reasons. And it was way overdue to realise that whatever his attachment for me may have been in the past, it’s changed. Time to change mine as well and adjust my borders to where they truly are right now. Pull the plug on the illusions generator and call it a day.

It hurt like hell, still does, but it also feels better too. So I messed the whole thing up, go figure. Not for the first time, not for the last time either, I am sure. And the first and foremost error was to let my attachment grow for someone who’s unavailable or doesn’t want mine. Same thing that happened with G. Main lesson I guess is the one I am trying very hard to learn at this moment in time – I cannot run with whatever I feel like at the moment. Pointless fun doesn’t lead anywhere. It’s fun when it’s on, no doubt, but without a goal set for something, there is no or very slim chance of any development.

I disagree with Napoleon when he said, get in a fight first and then you’ll figure out why you’re fighting – or something to that extent. You need to know why you are doing something, be honest with yourself, then you’ll be safe from illusions and following disappointment. Not entirely safe, but if you do continuous reality checks, your illusions will dissolve sooner and you’ll recognise them for what they were, your own imagination running wild.

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