It’s almost midnight…

And I really should be going to bed. But alas.

I haven’t disappeared from the blog. There’s not much going on in my dating life right now. I am going for another first date this weekend. Other than that it’s been quiet. Oh, the hockey coach keeps messaging me, but that’s old news.

When surfing Match today I again noticed a profile pic that soooo reminds me of smolder episode of Tangled – just like gals have duckfaces, guys have smolders:



Ah, Universe, you Are a bitch

But my kind of bitch, a funny one. Sarcastic and ironic.

I went out on a first date with this guy last night. He works in a funeral home (LOL), but on the sales side of it. So no, no dealing with dead people, only relatives and dead-people-to-be.

He seemed somewhat boring and still recovering from his separation and divorce (although it’s been four years), but other than that he was the first guy I met so far, who is for real. (Well, fine, the Garden Gnome and the Not Worth the Makeup were that too, but of the people who don’t make me wish I were elsewhere, anywhere but on a date with them).

He knows what he wants, he cares for his son a lot (and not in the oh-so-sugary manner, not at all), we also share our view of parenting, and seems like we have many things in common. I say seems like since one cannot be totally sure after just one date.

He hasn’t flirted much either, no BS of how awesome, adorable or amazing I was, but he complimented me some and was (or seemed to be) impressed by the summary of himself I made when he asked me to (we said we both shared interest for psychology).

I also realised something about G. and how I crushed on him. An important part of my crushing was due to him being trusting, open and honest about his past. It’s not common in my culture for men to freely and openly tell this many things about their past – well, at least shortly after meeting someone. The more guys I meet, the more I realise it’s something that is common for North American culture. So the thing I took for trust and even maybe intimacy is just a local cultural occurence. But it really still blows my mind away, how guys honestly tell you things about themselves in a first date! I mean, I am an open book and all, but still!

Another small thing for the record so to say – the guy said he has his son every other week, as well as every Wednesday night. This week is his ex’s week. And yet when he messaged me yesterday morning (Friday), he said he fell asleep with his son the previous night. May be that he had his son over on an extra night, but I’d rather use House’s line, “Everybody lies”. >:)

The reason for the first sentence and the name for this post is that the guy looks somewhat like my first ex. LMAO! Nothing wrong with that, in fact, S. (the first one) had some similarities with him too, means nothing, I don’t think so, but still, too funny!

The hockey coach – also known as pen pal!

We keep messaging – with a very odd frequency. He messaged me last Friday wishing me good luck with my tattoo appointment. I messaged him this Monday – we just chatted some on how the weekend was and that kind of blah stuff.

Now today he messages me, and we text back and forth, having a quite interesting exchange, on a number of unrelated topics for three hours!

No invitation or questions on what my plans are like for the weekend or whatnot follow though. My only rational explanation for this stuff is Back Burner. He has a girlfriend, but he finds me interesting enough to keep messaging me for a “just in case” option.

I am totally cool with it. He’s a good guy, but if there is no interest on his part, so be it, pen pal it is. I will be trying to get him interested to the best of my ability, but I am not coming up with any illusions on his part. He’s just not that into me. That’s it. Moving on to the next candidate, keeping this one on a back burner. Treat them the way they treat you. Don’t come up with excuses for their actions or inactions either. “Keep it simple, keep it real”.

More self-digging – my bio

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
George Santayana

With all these changes in my life I keep trying to figure myself out. It may seem that I am obsessed with the whole idea, but that’s not so. First of all, it’s new to me, so I do make an extra effort to do it right. And secondly, I don’t think about it all the time, it’s easier for me to figure things out when I put them in writing – adds a structure to my train of thought I guess.

When all this crap with G. was on the go, my girlfriend kept telling me that Relationship was important to me on its own. Like it had a huge standalone value in my books, the guy and his personality weren’t that important to me in this equation. Which she found strange and odd. Guess it was a totally foreign idea to her.

She also tried to appeal to my self-reflection, asking me why it was this way. Being at the peak of my obsession at that point, I just shrugged it off as unimportant. And I wasn’t trying to do self-digging at the time either (except for analyzing my actions and his actions and how these affected the Relationship).

Continue reading “More self-digging – my bio”

Why do I want to get a tattoo

With my tattoo appointment a week away I want to try and summarise the whole idea of why I am getting it. (Here is a pic of what I’m getting – not yet sure where – on my spine underneath my neck or on my upper arm)


The whole idea of getting a tattoo started soon after I had my kids I guess. I wanted to do something to have them with me, something that reminded me of them, it sounds silly I guess, like one needs to be reminded of their kids, but I am not sure how to phrase it better. It’s like they’re a part of me that is totally separate from me and that is whole on its own but still a piece of a puzzle that makes me who I am.

When I initially thought of a tattoo, I thought of just getting their initials, some pretty entwined E and H. But then it would be a Canadian EH or else some HE. Neither was getting me what I wanted to, a symbol.

That’s when I thought of making it a real symbol and that when the idea of Yin Yang symbol first came to my mind – it’s male and female equal parts of something whole interpretation. Sure, my kids are two different people, but they also are twins! What would be a better symbol for them? Also, in my mind they are different, but at the same time they are part of the same. Together they make me a mother, they teach me, they lead me, they challenge me and they are both objects of this enormous feeling of motherly love. It’s hard to express in words, really, the way I feel about their separation-but-unity in my mind.

Recently I have also started my self-digging journey I really hope to continue for as long as I live. And what I felt I lacked, I needed the most, were two things – integrity and balance. Now, back to what Yin Yang symbolises – balance, integrity, interdependency of everything in this world.

Another thing that I discovered reading on the symbol is that it is also about how there is no light where there is no shadow, how once something becomes absolute, at the same very moment it becomes at the closest to its opposite than it ever has been before. Again, I am very tongue tied in expressing my philosophical ideas, I rather feel them, but this whole notion is very close to my own inner philosophy.

And the last – and not a very significant part of the whole idea is to demonstrate my badass side. I love her and cherish her just like any other part of me, the others are easier to express without getting self-destructive – this side is the most dangerous of them all, the reckless, the restless, the daring and the careless… But at the same time without her I wouldn’t have moved to another side of the world, I wouldn’t have had the adventurous spirit to me, the bravery and the strength, determination and impulsivity that when in check are really great things that turn me into who I am.

A really funny fight in texts

I already mentioned my bisexual friend in this blog before. Some time ago he said he made up his mind and going forward he’s a gay. Still going to have sex with me whenever we get together though, go figure.

Anyhow. We have the Weirdest relationship I ever had with a guy. Honestly. I don’t mean our whole history where we both were each other’s first loves and so on and so forth. I mean present time.

I’ve never ever told anyone as many details of my sex life as I told him. And it’s all because he was asking about it too! He’s soooo obsessed with sex, it’s crazy! Also did some sexting, exchanged very intimate pictures (which in my case is something I never ever did in my life either!) and even videos (him, not me).

So anyhow, to the subject of this post. We had our first fight today! Whatever caused it, the trigger was when I called him dude again. I did that before and he told me not to. Said it was a guy thing.

Here is our exchange: Continue reading “A really funny fight in texts”

Developing an open mind in dating

I’ve always thought of myself as non-judgmental or judgmental to a very limited extent.

But I was that in dating. I remember my post from six months back where I damned all the lists and how one should just go with the flow. That’s a different extreme – sure, let’s try it all, why not!

It’s like another day I was at the library, going through books on psychology and the two of them, one on how to say NO more often and the other one, on how to become more agreeable (actually had YES in the title) were on a shelf back-to-back. Whether it was by accident, or if that’s how librarians express their sense of humour, I don’t know.

Continue reading “Developing an open mind in dating”

Celebrating two months of singlehood

Funny enough, I just realised that from the time I started dating, in my late teens, until now (which is over fifteen years), I have only been single for something like six months. I leaped between boyfriends never staying on my own, same happened to my marriages.

I vaguely remember that the six months I spent on my own when I was twenty, felt quite good, although I was still living with my parents, still was a student and only started my first job.

Now the more I think about it, the more I agree with my girlfriend who told me to ditch G. (well, all of them told me that, really) and to stay on my own for some time, say, until summer, take a break from all the dating stuff. I think I did. I mean, I still go on Match, message with guys, but the fact there is not much going on in that area of my life doesn’t make me feel concerned or worried or sad.

All it does is free up energy and time for other things I never had time for before or didn’t spend much time on. I am learning to listen to my needs and wants, not adjusting to a guy’s needs and wants. It’s alright to have some, really.

My current situation may not be the soundest one financially, but on the other hand, so many people struggle with way more stressful circumstances and are still able to enjoy their lives, that I should quit worrying and embrace what I have, enjoying it, looking for budgetary solutions, cutting corners here and there to save a buck or two… Yeah, I may wish I could go to Italy every year for the full vacay, but instead will have to settle for camping, but as long as the weather cooperates, I’ll have beach, sand, bonfire, booze and lots of movies and books to enjoy myself. As well as exercising. It’s going to be awesome, just in a different way than Italy!

It’s not having what you want. It’s wanting what youve got.

The hockey coach

The guy is weird (I say that a lot lately, don’t I?). But rather in a good way. He acts naturally, by that I mean there is no admiration or whatnot. He steadily messages me every other day or sometimes daily. But there is no flirting! Like zero. I know, some guys are bad at that, but seriously? I say a message from a nice guy makes my day brighter, he replies with a thank you. Whaaaaaaaat?!!! Ugh. I won’t even try to figure them out. My only guess would be that he may have a girlfriend and keeps chatting with me cuz I am fun and for a what if case. Technically he doesn’t even do anything wrong, right? I mean, one can go out for a coffee with someone of the opposite sex, have a nice chat and then keep it up in texts. We didn’t even call it a date. I mean, he didn’t so neither did I.

But I won’t think about it anymore. I’ll keep pinging him with light flirt and see if there is any reaction down the road. That’s the plan. LOL


More dating thoughts

I am amused at the whole dating experience, truly. How guys start messaging you like crazy for few days, then disappear into thin air. Are there too many bipolars on these sites? I’m not even trying to comprehend.

If anything, this dating thing taught me one thing – to become immune to others’ weirdness. I don’t even try to understand. Why bother? And to get some stats on how many weirdoes are out there too.

Continue reading “More dating thoughts”