I started reading this Screw the Rules dating book to try and get some expertise on the subject. It was somewhat heavy on “make this list, now make that list” in the beginning for my liking, but I pedaled through it thinking “no pain, no gain”. When I got to the interesting part, advice on flirting and overall tips on dating, I felt like Bradley Cooper’s character in Silver Linings Playbook in the episode where he yells “What the fuck!” and throws Hemmingway’s book out of the window breaking the glass in the process (Disclaimer: I strongly recommend watching the movie and I don’t share the character’s opinion on Hemmingway).
To say the list of things this lady author made that one needs to follow to be successful in dating is overwhelming, is to understate it big time! They must have paid her for the page count. Or she never heard of “keep it simple, keep it real” rule. Or she felt like bragging and getting a self-esteem boost by making the readers feel stupid. Whatever the reasons, I got lost few pages into the chapter and decided to not bother anymore. Yes, even if I just ruined my chances to meet, attract and get to keep the Mr. Right. I’ll take that risk over the risk of my brain boiling and exploding on the spot, thank you very much!
I made this analogy with job searching in my mind. And I am not in the habit of bragging, but I do rock at those!
In job search, when you’re desperate, i.e. starving or whatnot, you’ll take whatever you can find. Time in this case is of huge importance. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Or if you don’t have any skills you can offer to the employers, you can’t exactly hope to land in a CEO position either. So your expectations should match your skills too. Or else you’re wasting your time and energy on chasing rainbows.
Another aspect is how much effort (time and resources) you invest into the search process. You won’t get great results if you only apply for one job at a time or stop your search and sit around doing nothing waiting for an offer every time you go for a first interview.
Also, it’s good to know what your weaknesses are – to be able to either eliminate them or to demonstrate that there are things that compensate for them or even better outweigh them! Again, not just general weaknesses, but those that will be of concern for this specific position.
Finally, you need selling skills to be able to pass the interview. Including how you hold yourself and being able to make an impression that you are exactly (or at least pretty much) what the employer is looking for.
When job searching, I would always ask myself about any posting: “OK, let me see what it is that they are looking for?” I would then alter my resume and put together a cover letter that I believed checked off all of the most crucial things and at least some of the not so important ones too. When in interviews, I would always approach any question with “What is it that they want to hear in response, why are they asking this one?” and not answer with whatever came to my mind first.
Now that I have analysed it all (I am a natural in job search, I only refresh the most popular questions asked in interviews when I need to search for jobs, making up the best answers I can), I believe that my success in job search is in empathy! I am not trying to tell them about myself in the process – no one cares about me, really. There are hundreds, thousands of candidates out there. What the employer cares about, is to meet their needs and to find the best match for their workplace.
Now read all of the above and tell me if dating is any different in nature? So if I extend my approach in job search to dating, use my skills in it, I should be just fine, right? Or at least be better off than if I don’t. I mean, of course there are other skills required for dating too, like you don’t usually flirt in interviews (that is, if you’re interviewing with women, I so did flirt somewhat in interviews with men! Darn, all is fair in love and war! And interviews are pretty much a war against all other candidates they are considering!). Nor tell them about your personal life.
But thing is, I don’t suck at flirting either! And I don’t feel uncomfortable telling strangers about some aspects of my personal life. Partly for the same reason – they don’t care! And what you don’t care about, you’ll forget in a split second!
What I don’t like is the fact that job search is frigging tiring and stressful. I was hoping for some fun in the dating process. But again, no pain, no gain and you don’t get to drink booze in job interviews either, so that should lift some of the weight off the dating! Booze always helps – if I learned anything about life, it would be this statement!
If you think that it’s all acting and fake and that you must be honest at least in dating, I won’t argue with you at all, go for it – it’ll make my task somewhat easier since you’ll be in a weaker position than I. I used to play honest and fair, and I kept losing to the actors. Instead of arriving to the conclusion of “I must be doing it wrong, let me try acting instead”, I dismissed it with oh-so-comforting and self-centered “At least I am being honest”, mounted my unicorn and rode away. Alone.
PS: I am not suggesting I’ll pretend to be someone I am not. But there are so many things that I am – so I need to make sure I highlight those that the guy is looking for in a girl rather than just dumping whatever I feel like on him. It’s a win win situation, he won’t feel overwhelmed or bored and I’ll get better chances at finding the Mr. Right.