More self-digging

Imposter syndrome/feeling in the wrong league – fear of failure?

So I’ve tried to analyse my history of relationships some more. And you know what I’ve noticed? A really funny (like in weird) thing – whenever a really great guy took notice of me, I interpreted his interest as friendly only, didn’t even think it may have romantic part (or be totally romantic to begin with) to it! It was true for the Dutch Buddy as a most recent example – I was the last to realise that his friendliness was more than just that! Honestly, it took a few absolutely romantic episodes that he initiated for me to realise that pretty much all our flirting before was not just a friendly banter to him and make me retrospectively realise that he pretty much has been interested from our first (!!!) encounter.

I also always had a low bar when it came to guys, I fell for guys who most people around me would tell me were below my league. My huge crush at 20 was that (his social level was lower). My second X was that too (his intellectual level was way lower). The most recent example – G. (social level and age difference, level of activity).

I feel like I am so unsure about my abilities with guys (partially supported by the observation in the first paragraph), that although my combination of intelligence-kindness-appearance-even flirting skills and so on pretty much allow me to aim at playing in professional league so to say, I keep putting myself into the underdogs league instead (different leagues, but all of them have something in common – I belong to a higher one). This is also supported by how I am always somewhat surprised when guys from lower leagues look at me with awe. I really and sincerely don’t realise there’s a gap between us. Until I think about it for some time.

For some reason I am so scared to try and go pro, that I keep nosediving few levels lower from where I should be playing. I am not saying that I belong into some royal super-professional league either. But as my girlfriend keeps putting it, I haven’t found myself in a dumpster either. But I keep behaving as if I have.

So my resolution going forward is – sky is the limit. The only way to handle a fear is to face it. The history of my two recent failures in relationships taught me a good lesson – breakups aren’t that scary or devastating as I expected them to be. I just pick up from where I left and return to dating scene. Not an end-of-the-world experience for sure!

And one more thing – now that I know I suck at dealing with guys romantically, I am going to learn how to do it! I have already bought and started reading a very promising book by this dating coach. On top of that relationship blog I’ve been reading for some time now. All I need is some practice to steadily acquire and improve my dating skills.

Confusing a guy’s openness/trust for sign of affection

I nailed another bug in how I interpreted G.’s behavior – he told me his whole story (well, at least the way he saw it), was very open about it too – although he was giving away bad pieces in ration – and the fact he was sharing his dark secrets with me deceived me into believing that it meant he cared for me! Although now I realise all it meant was that he trusted me. Trust has nothing to do with presence or absence of romantic feelings, it’s a derivative of friendship rather! Duh!

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