I’ve calmed down. I am not sure if this feeling of quiet calmness will linger or will get blown away by some new thing, I can’t tell. I guess the early spring mood, where the energy levels are low and you’re struggling to keep yourself going is part of it. I always feel quieter at this time of year.
But it also seems that I finally managed to reconnect to a huge source of energy that I severed my ties to about two years back. Parenting. I remember exactly how I felt – when I was about to go back to work after a year of mat leave. Broken hearted. Desperate. Hateful. I hated my then husband for not being able to allow me to stay longer on the leave to look after my babies. I hated myself for picking this husband. It was at that dark moment where I felt like my heart was about to explode with pity and desperation that I just took an axe and cut myself loose from my babies. I just didn’t see any other way out, I felt cornered and broken down.
Since that time I was still trying to be there for them any time I could. I have been fighting with my then husband for another year over his complete lack or rather absence of interest in the kids. But I also put some distance, an invisible wall between them and myself. I was still spending time with them for sure and looked after them every time I was around them, but I didn’t get this warm and fuzzy feeling of satisfaction from parenting anymore. Or at least that often. Annoyance was a more frequent visitor in my case. To the extent where my X started barking back at me that I was as mad at the kids at times as he was or even more. Then the depression arrived and I spent about two months in a complete emotional limbo.
For the last year I was oh so busy with separation, exercising, multiple crushes, switching jobs and trying to reconnect with friends that I had left after separation and my attempts at making new friends that I barely had time to look at my parenting. Spending time with the kids was like a tedious chore for me, where I was pretty much serving my self-inflicted sentence and waiting for another relief to arrive – be it a date, a vacation, even going to work.
Recently though things started changing. I enjoy playing with them again, just watching them play is fun, and I feel excited about going back home and seeing them there. I even miss them when they’re at the X’s during their weekends – which always was my Huge Relief until now. I go toy or clothing shopping for them and I enjoy it too, just like in their first year, imagining their excitement at the new games makes me feel excited too. Before that it was yet another dull necessity I had to go through. And although we’ve always been hugging and kissing with them, now my heart really melts when we do so. I guess my parenting is back on the right track after two years of turbulence. I hope it stays that way.