It didn’t start well, I must admit. He was late (five minutes, but still!), and my first impression was, to be completely honest, hell, no! But! My first impressions are bad judges. I went hell, yes! with my X, for example. That daring stare he gave me that made my legs go wobbly, I can still see it. And here’s where it brought me.
And I praised myself in my mind for asking a girlfriend to text me in an hour to provide an excuse for leaving. Yeah, a quite shitty start, I know.
But it got better from there. Much better. We spent two and a half hours together, had a nice chat and the guy is an interesting conversation partner. I am still not sure if he is a BS sweet talker though. I mean, he sounds all honest and sincere, but don’t they all! Whether picking up the same dish on the menu and stating some things that I said before were “moves”, or he meant them, is yet to be found out.
I am actually glad that my skepticism has kicked in. It has hibernated for what? – just over thirty years? – about time to wake it up if you ask me.
When I thanked him for a great time in a text when I got home, he replied, “I really enjoyed the conversation and you blew me away even more than I thought possible in person. You’re absolutely lovely, charming, intelligent and I am completely smitten”. He’s been sweet talking like this for some time, which made me skeptical from the beginning. I guess it sounds a bit overboard, that’s why. Maybe he does feel that way, but again, BS comes in all shapes and forms.
When I suggested next Monday for the next date, he said it was a long time away. I offered Wednesday and Friday instead (the latter reluctantly, can’t date every night, right? Lol!), he said either would work. So we’re going out on Wednesday.
As I went half-jokingly with a girlfriend, wait, what? Did I came across a guy who actually wants to see me more than once a week?! Shocking! There has to be something wrong with the man, right? I am the “no more than weekly material”, if you take my recent history. For both S. and G. I know, G. and I went out more often than that in the beginning, but still.
But jokes aside, like I said, he seems quite interesting, if he’s not a fake who just tries to sweet talk a gal into few dates and move on afterwards, he’s worth giving him a shot. One thing is for sure, this time around I am not going to crush. It’s not an empty statement and it can be done. And I think I am currently in the right place to do it, I mean to not develop another addiction. Cause I still hurt over the previous two. And the two burns from my recent past turned me cautious and mistrustful.
Not just towards guys, I always knew deep down that everyone is struggling with their own demons, and I cannot predict if and when my actions will send one of them on a march (Shakespeare, Hell is empty and all the devils are here).
Now I know for sure that I shouldn’t trust my Own judgment. My internal radar is quite sensitive in providing a great feel of people in general. Both females and males. However, when it comes to men that I get emotionally interested in, it’s like putting a magnet close to a compass, it friggin goes insane. For some stupid reason it always develops same way – the minute I decide I like someone, my self-esteem drops to below zero, my good judgement takes off and I am left frozen with admiration and awe over my new infatuation.
The poor thing feels awkward and burdened, I know, I’ve been on that side of the demarcation line myself, my behavior feels needy, clingy and thus highly annoying, and all they dream of is to run as far as they can. Cuz it is frigging hard to feel that someone is always asking for more than you are willing to offer. It’s like a constant pressure where you end up on a guilt trip. (Disclaimer: this paragraph is by no means an attempt to justify G.’s behavior, simply a reminiscence from my distant past where I was in that position myself).
So my plan for now is – even if he’s as good as he presents it to be – I’d rather lose him by pushing him away through being too distant and seemingly cold than live through another round of this nightmare. Like I said in my previous post, I owe this to my family and friends. You wanna get this gal, go and fracking crack this code. I am not surrendering the password and manual voluntarily anymore, with that goes my sanity; you guys also seem to like a good chase. I’ll give you one now, games can be fun if you’re setting the rules.