I’m not sure I want this to be in the open. But I need to write it down for myself.
I asked G. if he’d like to go away for a weekend sometime. He said he would.
Later on I said the I sometimes didn’t feel like I was in a real relationship. He asked me what I meant. I said that’s when people hang around together, go away on weekends, give each other gifts and do stuff like go to concerts.
He said we do things together, go out for dinners and movies, did pool once.
I ended up dumping it all on him, how I was hurt when I didn’t get a gift for Christmas, how he wouldn’t suggest we got together when I was hanging out pretty much at his doorstep waiting to meet with my girlfriend, how I sometimes felt like he was trying to shake me off, how I felt that I was somewhere at the bottom of his list.
He said I wasn’t. He said he hadn’t been this happy with anyone in a while. He said he’d been neglecting his friends and family for the last four years and he was trying to catch up balancing things around at the same time. I suggested he could combine some of those. He said he’d probably would.
And then he said something on how I had said I loved him on New Year’s – I didn’t get what exactly was said – but I immediately took that one back – said it was drunk talking, no more. He said he liked me a lot, which was a pretty much clear statement of I don’t love you. He said he wasn’t an emotional person anymore, that he’d grown an armor.
He said he wasn’t hiding our relationship like I felt sometimes – actually told a girl from work about it. Which I will yet have to confirm, she’s on my FB friends’ list.
He said that maybe he’d never move in with a woman again. And that one is my deal breaker. I said I needed to think about it.
He said he didn’t need to see a person every week. That one was another deal breaker. I cannot deal with someone who doesn’t need me even every fucking week! Yet he said he tried to see me every weekend.
I asked about the concert in February he said we’d go to. Not going! It’s in the middle of the week – and it was almost sold out when he went to check it out. And yet he’s going for another concert that is in the middle of the week in April. Awesome!
He also said he just basically scrolled through my bitching message another Sunday (bitching is my term, not his). Perfect! That’s the way to go! Just ignore something you don’t feel comfortable with!
At some point I actually told him it felt like he didn’t make enough effort. Like he was overpromising and underperforming.
Also asked if we still had a closed relationship. That we had, he didn’t do the other thing. I said he did! Once, he said. Right.
So this morning I got up before him, tried going back to sleep again, didn’t fly. So I just took off. And crushed for two more hours once I got home. He messaged me good morning and how he couldn’t believe he slept for this long.
Oh, and we’re not getting together next weekend either, buddies time! I guess I might go out with this new guy from the dating site if he’s up to it. He at least seems to be interested! Kind of refreshing.
PS: Dear friends, please refrain from yelling RUN at me after you’ve read this. I haven’t had my love thrown back at me ever I guess. I am at the breakup point right now, no worries. Just needed to have this talk to make sure it’s all out in the open. Now it’s time to leave it. We want different things, now it’s clear to me. I’m not saying I’ll do it right away, but I can see the door from where I stand.