I’ve figured myself out last night!

I was struggling with different pieces of a puzzle up until today, cause I didn’t see the whole picture. Here it is – I am an addict! I traced it back as far as my teenage years. I jump from one addiction to the next one! Or rather dive into them.

There were: love addictions (the guy I was crazy about for three years at the university was one, then the guy I fell for when I turned 20, then my second ex, after that Andrew, S. and G.); games and TV shows addictions – first round was in my early teenage years, then just before I married for the first time, then there was one in my first marriage, few more later); then there were study and work addictions – I turned into a workaholic for about two or three years in the beginning of my career; an alcohol addiction followed – when I resurfaced from my work addiction and was also suffering from then unanswered love addiction.

When I immigrated, I was fine for some time – things finally balanced out – getting through the hustle of adjusting to the new environment and trying to get the fertility issues resolved were occupying my mind well enough. Although, I am wrong – religion addiction was there for the first year or so, followed by short-lived games and TV shows addictions.

Once I had the babies, first year I was a crazy parenting addict. And actually throughout pregnancy time too. That was over when I got back to work. Work wasn’t satisfying, when I switched to new place, I experienced image addiction for the first time – after I got out of a three months depression. I started exercising, dressing up and applying makeup and was drawing energy from attention – at the same time I had the Andrew addiction that was actually base for my image addiction.

Now if I am right, all I need is to frigging strive for balance. I came to that conclusion before, I know, but it was within a separate puzzle piece, I didn’t see the pattern. Now that I do, it’s quite scary, I must admit, realizing that I don’t have enough control over my life, that I am just diving between different “drugs” – both emotional and chemical. Oddly enough, I always thought of myself as a person of a strong willpower. Go figure!

I guess my willpower is quite strong – whenever I develop an addiction, I can move mountains to get what I want. I am also quite confident in whatever areas that are not currently part of my addiction – my self-confidence takes a huge blow only in that affected area! OMG! It’s soo big! I actually slept better last night after figuring this out since forever!


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