I hope against hope that I’ll never have to send this to you. At the same time I feel I might.
Let me give you some background here first, it’s four am and I’ve been up for two hours. Me, who never had sleep issues before. Unless you count sleep deprivation of a new parent. This is not the first time since we’ve started dating either.
I guess that is one of at least few indicators telling me something is not right. And that got me thinking. Obviously that’s what you do when you cannot sleep. Interesting!
Anyhow, what I realized was that I am not happy in our relationship. As much as I care for you and enjoy our time together, I am not.
So what’s up? First of all, although you said on few occasions that this wasn’t a relationship of convenience to you, it pretty darn feels like one from where I stand. I tend to be getting the short end of the stick most of the time, let’s admit it.
Secondly, I have my concerns in regards to your level of affection for me. Or, putting it in simpler terms, I’m not sure you’re that into me.
Being quite emotionally and mentally unstable in the beginning of it all, I came up with worse case scenarios for why you didn’t seem to be that excited about this. Other woman was the top pick of my derailed brain. A chronic liar was another.
As my mental health started improving, and yes, you definitely played an important role in the process, I calmed down, my insecurity demons were put to rest. No more Apocalypse pictures crowded my mind, imagination was not running wild.
At the same time my self-esteem took longer to recover from the multiple blows it took over the last year, realization of what kind of person I was married to in the last six years, then getting ditched by another guy. Yup, it quite sucked to be my self-esteem this year.
Now it seems in a better shape than it has been in years. Or almost. Again, your role in its recovery is duly acknowledged.
Thing is, with all my demons put to rest, hopefully for a long time, my brain took over. And started it’s favorite game, analysis. Hell, I’m being paid for the stuff, I must be decent at it if people are willing to pay me for doing it!
Sorry, my high self-esteem took over! 😀
What am I seeing with this newly acquired tool? I’ve been again turning away or sweeping under the carpet the alarming signs! I’ve always been a pro at this exercise in my personal life. What, a piece of shit just landed in my lap?! – where?, said I hastily covering the soiled spot in the process.
Now I say enough. It didn’t bring me happiness before, it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick now.
When I first regained some stability and confidence, I started coming up with excuses for your actions. Or rather lack of those. You have a shitty schedule, said I, you’re just out of a sort of abusive relationship, said I. You just need time to put your shit together and…
At this point I now ask myself, and then what?!!! You’ll realize how lucky you got to be with me?! You’ll see that I am pretty, smart, caring, kind and finally will stamp me loveable?!!! Don’t think I don’t remember you said all these things about me before, I have a surprisingly good memory these days, go figure.
However, saying things is easy, acting up not so much. You’re so tired during the weekdays you cannot meet up? Sure Honey, I said. But then I went, wait a minute, when we first started dating, we’d go out on weekdays on quite a few occasions.
And didn’t you mention something about trying to stay up on some days to have dinner with your X, who if I remember the shift schedule correctly, wouldn’t be home until ten?
Then those two times, when I went out with a girlfriend to a place at your doorstep came to my mind. Yes, I invited you to join us, kinda expected you to decline too. But here’s a thing that still bugs me about it, both times I arrived about an hour early. Not on purpose, just didn’t feel like hanging out at the office was any fun.
And the second time I even made it crystal clear that I was doing nothing, hanging around at the mall five mins away from your place killing time. Oh, and it was five pm. Not yet your bedtime. Was it too much for me to hope you’d either invite me over for a glass of wine or meet up with me at the mall? Like in “would want to take advantage of the opportunity to see me”?
Or take the most recent example, our Wednesday night out to the movies. You were off both on that day and the following few days too. Was it my imagination or you were sort of surprised I even went upstairs with you? I’m sort of OK with no sex that night, you didn’t get good sleep the previous night and all that. But again, after you declared you were serious about us, said I now have ” my” side of the bed and “my” nightstand, would it be too much to hope you’d suggest I stayed over that night?! I could drive directly to work from your place, would even take me less time!!! So what I’d wear the same clothes two days in a row, it’s up to me to make that call.
Now I’m almost done, promise. What makes me feel the way I do, sometimes unwanted, sometimes sad or mad, is that I feel like you’ve created a slot, a shelf in your life, called it “girlfriend” and put me there. Like some trophy or one of your collectible dolls. Do you care for me? I’m sure you do. You’re a caring person, it comes naturally. And I am likeable as well.
But I am no doll! I cannot feel happy or even content being squeezed in a schedule somewhere beneath football and buddies. Being informed of date cancellations not even two days ahead. I deserve more than that. I do enjoy our time together, like I said before, but I am not getting enough of it.
Yes, you warned me about your schedule, but you don’t seem to be um putting enough effort into trying to compromise. There’s lots of scheduling in my life too, I am running a household of four people and six pets. But I could still come over and spend some time with you, even stay for the night, if only you’d asked. But somehow I doubt you ever will.
This will stay parked here if you make some plans for Xmas with me, that is above and beyond the regular night together. I’m getting four days off, doesn’t happen that often, so if you won’t jump on this opportunity, I guess you’re getting a copy of my insomnia speech next time I see you.
PS I love you. But that’s exactly why I’ll walk away if things don’t change, I’d rather tear off the bandaid once, than hurt over and over again seeing your lukewarm attitude towards me. I still hope against the hope I’m wrong, it’s your secretive closed nature and so on, but I say, no more excuses that make it hurt less thus however prevent me from a full recovery too.