I’ve figured myself out last night!

I was struggling with different pieces of a puzzle up until today, cause I didn’t see the whole picture. Here it is – I am an addict! I traced it back as far as my teenage years. I jump from one addiction to the next one! Or rather dive into them.

Continue reading “I’ve figured myself out last night!”

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I feel awesome!

Now that I realized what happened, me taking another nosedive into my addiction, that was triggered by yet another set of unmet expectations (no gift or extended date this weekend), I feel great!

And you know what? My girlfriend told me today, that handing over the letter is a sign of weakness, demonstration of instability and of weak self-esteem. At first I disagreed. Now I tend to think she’s right.

The expectations are My problem, not his. He believes he’s done nothing wrong, he set the rules of having dates weekly, also provided a warning on No gifts policy. Yeah, he did say he’d get me something when I gave him my present, was going to buy the concert tickets, when this didn’t work out, he just went meh.

What do I do now? Don’t yell at me, darlings, but I’m gonna start my own game. The only way to overcome a fear is to face it. The only way to acquire a new skill is by trial and error.

What I have on my hands right now is a somewhat damaged lazy specimen of a guy who’s quite content with the current situation and will grow nervous every time he feels I am about to start asking for more.

Sounds like a quite shitty specimen, I must agree with my gals here. Which actually makes him a great guinea pig. His current true face value is low enough that I can experiment with my newly acquired skills without fearing to lose something valuable.

I’m going to develop an internal bitch, ladies and gentlemen. The clingy dangerously unstable weakling is too fucking hurtful and pitiful. I’m done with that crap. And it’s not a way to get back at the guy as it may sound.

It’s a wilful decision to get rid of a behavior that turns a strong smart gal into a pile of whiny needy shit. I don’t like what I turn into every time I fall for a guy, so lemme see if I can change that. It’s a very good transferrable skill to have.

So there we go, my Big New Year’s resolution – grow or embrace my internal bitch. How do I do it?

First, I shake the addiction off. Love is just one of the resources a person can draw energy from. Work, family, friends and image are four other most important ones. I’ll force my attention to these, otherwise I’ll be back in love crap in no time again. Did it so intuitively before, but had no clear understanding of what I was doing, hence the partial failure before.

Secondly, G. ain’t the king of the hill no more. Cuz I said so. When everyone around tells me I’m out of his league, they’re most likely right. Which puts me into the wrong. And honestly, I remember the time when I felt so too. Before my crappy addiction kicked in big time and distorted my view.

What it means is that I’m going to be setting the rules now. Back to the let him always come to me. I’ll put even more distance between us than he managed to create by now. No more asking if he got tickets for the concert in February, no mentioning of making vacation plans together (was going to, silly me!).

I refuse to expect anything from him. He disappointed me enough by now that I’m not going to let it happen again. His continued BS can only be handled one way, I’ll ignore it.

Moreover, I’ll quit looking for it (checking his FB page after his alleged bedtime is one example, to find out that yes, he was online two or three hours later).

It’s a straight way no, highway into addiction again. With her sweet baby paranoia in the tow. I’ll even go further and will ignore BS whenever I stumble upon it. This will allow me to deflate his value in my eyes, oddly enough. By just telling myself he’s not worth the trouble of trying to sniff out what’s happening.

I don’t give a flying fuck! I’ll be actively looking for new external sources of energy and fun. Wanna try out rock climbing and shooting. I always wanted to try climbing, but my legs were too weak, not an issue anymore with my running. Also enjoyed going to shooting ranges when I was a kid, didn’t suck at it either, so that’s my plan. I cannot sign up for scheduled sports, so will have to work around that for now.

My addiction formed and grew on my frustration with work, kids, a feeling of desperation that under all my constraints all I could do to escape was to have a relationship. How fucking pathetic and unimaginative. Eeew! It’s not an escape, it’s another trap. Screw that, I say.

If I were a guy, I’d say I found and picked up my balls. Someone once said about an action I took at work, that I had balls. I guess they went missing in my search for The Real Love. Or rather in my marriage. No more parting with these, they feel darn good! 😀

So yep, I’m gonna become a bitch with balls. What a nice badass New Year’s resolution!!!

Paranoia welcome back!

My whole day went shitty after I came back to put it mildly.

So talking to a girlfriend I decided to have a serious conversation with G. A date from now. The only reason for deferral is my reluctance to spoil the New Year’s for myself.

I want him to know that I cannot go on like this. Yes, I’ll have to admit I love him. But exactly for this reason I cannot continue. I hurt a lot when I feel like I have to ask for dates, as if I’m the only one who needs it.

I’m frustrated and disappointed that there’s no enthusiasm on his side about us. Or I don’t feel it. To me it’s like he doesn’t really need a relationship as such, just a few bonuses that come with it. Whatever the reasoning, it doesn’t really matter, the end result, my ‘weird BS limbo stage’ of whatever we have, is all that is important to me now.

 

Hmmmm

The date last night went great, we went out for a dinner, where my offer to pick up the bill was declined (good!), then played few games of pool. Got back to his place, had some wine, chatted, had more um fun and watched a really great concert in record until after one.

Next weekend plans or rather lack thereof as well as no Christmas gift are two things that bug me though.

We’re getting together on New Year’s Eve alright, but then he’s going to his mom’s again. I understand, mom’s important and all. But I have frigging three child free days that weekend! And they’ll be kind of wasted. I mean, I’ll come up with something, I’m sure, but still, grrr!

He was also surprised that we’ve been together for four months now when I toasted to it. So the overall impression is exactly what I said in the subject, Hmmm!

The date on Wednesday

Went well. We did our usual program, dinner, a movie and chatting into midnight with some um fun in-between.

I brought a nice brandy for him for Christmas. Had a bad hangover from having that on top of wine the following morning. Left quite early too, had some errands to run. G. messaged me merry Christmas just after midnight last night, he went for a midnight service.

We’re getting together tomorrow too, or so was the plan. We’ll see how that goes.

Balancing it out

My abilities to adjust keep surprising me.

What was my situation like until recently? (Just the facts, without stating who felt what or any allocation of blame etc.)

  • I only had dates once a week (yeah, yeah, if I was lucky I guess).
  • I wanted to see G. more

Clearly, there was a conflict that was bugging me. The two only resolutions to it that I identified until now were –

  • Get to see G. more often
  • Ditch the guy – my girlfriends’ all-time favourite here!

Thing is, the list of possible resolutions I was operating with wasn’t complete!

Continue reading “Balancing it out”

Oh, the thrills of the honeymoon period – rather not!

I’ve been talking to my girlfriends and they tell me that the honeymoon period is the most romantic time in a relationship. Surely, it’s exciting and all that. However, in our conversation with another girlfriend she told me how she hated this period. All the insecurities and uncertainties that come with it are not worth the thrills according to her. I thought of it some, and I tend to agree! There are too many misunderstandings and worries caused by them that make me feel insecure and vulnerable to the point where I almost lose it. The romantic benefits aren’t worth that in my books. So I guess my best period comes after that – when you already know the person enough to understand their motives, to be able to predict their reactions and see why they do things in a certain way, but when the relationship is still relatively new for you to be excited about each other.

And he’s on a parole for now

Call me silly, but I forgave him for now. He was on his bestest behavior ever tonight, telling me that he missed me, he liked my company and wanted to spend time with me. Complimenting me a lot too. And apologizing for the last few weeks too. Few times. He was sick, so there wasn’t much going on between us on the physical level, but he kept holding and kissing my hand.

Continue reading “And he’s on a parole for now”