Today I came across an article in my mother tongue where they described G.’s type of dating partner and explained what their problems were and how to overcome them.
Basically, the idea is – ultimate goal is for the guy to develop attachment, or more romantically fall for you. To achieve that one needs to overcome certain blocks that get in the way of attachment development.
Those blocks can be both internal and external.
Internal blocks can be:
- Conflicts of interests – if the guy fears his hobbies or pastime are in jeopardy from a gal’s presence, he fears that he’ll have to give up some of the stuff and his excitement decreases. Way around – show him that you won’t be trying to change his ways, or better still, demonstrate genuine interest in his hobby. No pushing though!
- Fears and hurts carried forward from previous experiences – once you demonstrate some traits or behavior that hurt him before, the guy may ditch you – this is not G.’s case.
- Pitholes – are situations where the guy tries to pull away or backtrack in a relationship having experienced big fear from pos. 2. Funny enough, an illustration was provided in the article, that exactly echoed G.’s made-up trip to his mom – in the article the guy claimed to be working long hours, when he actually just wasn’t feeling like getting together. One needs to demonstrate care and attention in the situation, but not be needy (which is aggressive) or become passive – which in this case will pull the relationship backwards.
External blocks are:
- Circumstances like illnesses, issues at work – that gets in the way of a relationship. It can be either overcome or waited out.
- External influences from other people – can be friends, family or other women. The only suggested way of dealing with those is either to accept them or ignore their presence – one cannot attack the influence directly, there is not yet enough strength and power on the gal’s side to try and fight the issue.
Now in my case, I guess I intuitively did well so far, or relatively well under the circumstances. He told me that his X ‘hated’ his hobbies and choice of music – I either let him have his hobby as much as he wants it, or tried getting to know it myself. Music and movies we have similar taste in, so no need to develop interest, I already have it.
He says that this X and the one he dated before were shallow ladies one cannot have a meaningful discussions with – those I am great at!
He complained that these previous gals were looking to him for financial support – last weekend he learned that it’s not going to be the case with me…
He also had a fear that I won’t accept certain things about him and his ways – thus he rationed telling me about them and watched closely how I reacted. I really didn’t care.
Reading the article made me realise what my biggest fear is – fear of being unwanted, of disappointing the person I started to develop attachment for. Hence the nervousness whenever I feel like I am not getting interest or attention from the guy. I’ve read my blog on how I was when I just started seeing my X, and I must admit, this time around I am way better, I was totally obsessed and crazy back then. Now I didn’t lose it completely in the first place, and when I did get crazy, I snapped out of it sooner.