Return on investment

Finance person talking here. I was yet again thinking of what’s bugging me in the whole “What if there’s someone else” scenario. I know, overthinking it and all. But still, if it bugs me, I need to know why.

And all it boils down to in my mind is wastefulness. I am inputting efforts into a relationship, the relationship. I invest time, emotions, money too into it. I develop attachment in the process. And my fear is that should it all turn out a one-way thing, I’ll not only feel foolish for spending it all, but also badly destabilised. I am trying very hard to grow some skin, borders or whatever you call it. But the longer this lasts, the harder it gets. I do get involved big time and I cannot not do it. This is how I date, I commit and I plunge into the thing. Now it’s better, I at least started swimming, not just sink anymore. But should it all turn out to be for nothing, it’ll hurt the further from the shore I get. :/

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G. update

He’s been on vacation Wed-Sun. I haven’t spoken with him since Wednesday night when we went out on a date. We message every day, he’s been very nice and all. But Thursday was the game night, so no call. Friday he went to visit him mom (this time he actually went) and was visiting a buddy, so we didn’t call.

Saturday night I went to a Xmas party at work, he was again visiting another buddy, and when I suggested a call after I left the party, he ignored the message. Replied to a message 30 mins later when I said I was hitting the hay.

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Very interesting observations

Today I came across an article in my mother tongue where they described G.’s type of dating partner and explained what their problems were and how to overcome them.

Basically, the idea is – ultimate goal is for the guy to develop attachment, or more romantically fall for you. To achieve that one needs to overcome certain blocks that get in the way of attachment development.

Those blocks can be both internal and external.

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On synergies and becoming better person

What I really liked about the Divergent books is the idea that when two people get into a relationship, they make each other change. To become better persons, the books claimed. That I don’t necessarily agree with. My relationship with my X hardly made me better. I degraded – morally and mentally too. My friends were concerned (the ones who knew me before), so were my parents.

This time around I feel differently. G.’s influence on me is good. He makes me think, he makes me feel a better person and act like one too. I feel more genuine, more generous and whole. I cannot explain exactly how it feels, but now I also see that it started rubbing off me onto my family, I am more tender, caring and loving with them. I feel not heat, but warmth towards them and others too, and I love that!

It does put an extra layer of pressure on the relationship – its intrinsic value to me, the changes I go through by being in it, but I hope, no I know I’ll manage the pressure – I am strong enough and I am gaining more confidence every day. I also realise that these qualities are coming from within, not something that I acquire through it, the relationship just brings them out.

Dutch Buddy update

So he ditched me (us?) on Tuesday night, saying “you kids can go out and have fun”. Which I replied to with a thanks daddy (him being younger than G., it sounded funny). He said he was keeping a close eye on me, which I commented with a creep.

So come Tuesday night I tell him I was going for an interview on Wednesday. He said, we should go out for drinks and celebrate my imminent employment that night. I said, sure, let’s do that – and sent him a link to a pub. Ten minutes later he goes, problems at work, won’t fly!

My only reasonable explanation for this crap is that he wanted to see if G. and I went out that night.

Yesterday he pinged me for a call. WTF is going on with the man?!!! 😡

A night full of disappointments

I could pretty much leave the post blank since the header summarises it all!

Well, fine, the dinner was great. But then it not just went downhill, it plummeted. First the Mockingjay movie was awful. I honestly thought of getting up and leaving in the middle of it. And I am a fan of the books! And the previous part were pretty cool too!

Then we went to G.’s place – and nothing happened! Just some cuddling and a bit of drinking (since I was going to leave). So he does admit twice now (last Saturday and the Saturday before that) that no sex for two weeks ain’t cool – and yet does it again. When I said I wouldn’t see him for two weeks, he said he’d miss me too! I was somewhat disappointed. Fine, great deal. He got up at five in the morning yesterday, was quite tired by the time we got to his place, but still! Grrr!

Good stuff

Gonna go see the Mockingjay movie with G. tomorrow night! Woot woot! A good Wednesday ahead!

Also realised what was bugging me about G.’s statement of “no marrying”. Took me some time to figure it out. I don’t want to marry again. I mean, I don’t care about marrying. It’s optional for me – I won’t say I wouldn’t if asked, but it’s not something I see as a nececcety either. Been there, done that. Twice.

However, funny thing is I’ve never been proposed to properly. It’s silly, I know. But both times the circumstances were such that we were sorta forced into marrying. So I never had that proper engagement moment. And I realised last night that this was an open geschtalt that bugged me.

Like I said, it’s silly and I will get over that. There are million or more things that haven’t happened the way I wish they had, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.

Superstitious woodoo post

I was messaging with a girlfriend today and it clicked – as so many things seem to these last days (yay! and knocking on the wood).

But before I state my new theory, some background information is required. My standing on destiny vs us defining our own fate through actions or inaction is very similar to this quote from Forrest Gump:

I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both is happening at the same time.

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Last night – weird awesomeness!

Yesterday night was definitely pivotal for us. It was weird throughout, but in a good way.

I’m not sure if this is what triggered it, but at some point G. said he sometimes thought of taking his buddy on his word and getting a job with the company where that buddy works. In the city that’s eighty miles away from our area.

Being quite drunk at that point (should shed this drinking habit now, really!), I strained, lit up a cigarette and went quiet. He started asking what the matter was. I wouldn’t say at first. But then I went, what about me? I mean, us – if he moved there. Called me paranoid again, said he didn’t really mean moving anywhere any time soon.

Continue reading “Last night – weird awesomeness!”