Another panick attack last night

UPD: This one was triggerred by some stupid and dead boring romcom I watched last night. Also reading this article right now – and man, it is insecurity and nothing more – everything written below is totally signs of my Huge Insecurity.

I am still on the wall I guess. That’s my biggest issue. Is my insecurity feeding my fears and doubts about the whole relationship with G.? Or did he really change his behaviour and this is just my reaction to it? And if he did, should I be concerned?

I said last night in a chat with my girlfriend that I would be recording all the good signs, as I already am – but is it the right way to go? With my insecurity probably it is. But if he’s behaving weird (and some of his actions are weird, hands-down, no other explanations that would be reasonable enough) – shouldn’t I just be frigging asking for reasons? And not suffer alone in my misery? Worst case scenario he ditches me. Yup, a very bad thing. But if I want a healthy relationship, shouldn’t I start trying to make this one more comfortable for me?

Maybe G. is just as cycloid as I am – at times I am just the flirtiest funniest thing out there, at times I am the grumpy iceblock. And I may come across as not giving a shit about much, relationship included in that latter stage. But if it is clear to me that something is bugging me – like interruptive pattern of compliments I am receiving from him – I should try to voice my concern – even if the risks range anywhere between coming across as silly, needy, being laughed at for that reason, even offending him somewhat or causing him to question this whole thing whatsoever.

Just scrolled over the recent history of our messaging and I guess I was able to pinpoint it, the mother of fears for my current concern – I feel that he may be not as attracted physically to me as he used to be. My appearance is THIS BIG of an item on my self-esteem issues list – working at the previous place mended it somewhat, S. blew a hole in it again, now G. patched it up – and I am terrified that should he remove the patch, I’ll be beyond repair on that one. I’ll need some maniac who’ll keep telling me how beatiful and pretty I am 24×7, just like that tattoed guy did. He used to be all very um horny I guess about my ass and just in general making comments on how attractive I was sexually – and now all I get “I love those lips of yours” and the “ass grabbing hug” in a message last week. That’s a frigging draught after a downpour!


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