Since I am an efficient and a down-to-earth person in all aspects of my life BUT men, the admission of my problem made me actually take a step back and start looking at it from a distance.
I was wondering what it was that made me get crazy and lose my own sane self every time I start a new relationship. What makes me turn a guy – with his goods and bads – into a Divine Creature that I start admiring and that I can hardly believe they would even look my way, not to say actually like me.
There must be a definite and very strong distortion happening in my mind that turns all these regular people into Walking Wonders! So what is it?
When I think of my life as a chest of drawers with every drawer labeled “Kids”, “Mom”, “Home”, “Hobbies”, “Friends”, “Work”, “Random shit” and “Men”, the sizes of those drawers are pretty much the same whenever I turn to look. Except for the last one. Well, OK, whenever there is a new drawer added, it’s huge, a neophyte’s passion is very strong in me.
So this may be partially due to that – a passion over something new and exciting in my life. New emotions, new person. But it cannot be just that – every new friend should pretty much excite me in that case – maybe not as much, but somewhere around there. But it doesn’t happen.
In case of men the Men drawer basically swallows me, I put my own self in the drawer and hardly care about anything outside of it. And the core of the obsession, the guy, the Him, becomes my personal centre of the Universe. Whenever things are great with Him, life’s good, no, Life’s PERFECT! And vice versa.
Next question – how come I am that way? Why would I surrender the keys to my happiness, emotional comfort and basically stability to someone I hardly know? And that happened in both of my marriages – I just felt that if I don’t get this guy, it’ll be the end of it! And my first X was the one who showed interest first. After which I fell for him pretty soon. A very familiar situation to what’s been happenening with S. and now G. So now I need the shrink to fix this part of me. Good thing – there is hope! At least now I do understand in my mind that it’s not healthy, not how it’s supposed to go. Also, if for very short periods and quite randomly, I do snap out of this state now. Never did that before.