So I was right in my suspicions about G. and train and all that.
I was lying in my bed last Friday, feeling bitter and angry – even though he messaged me just before eleven, and when I told him I felt sad we didn’t have a call, he immediately called me (he claimed he fell asleep on the couch, thus no call, but honestly, his voice sounded pretentious sleepy on the call). And this crazy thought came to my mind – why don’t I go over to his place and knock on his door the next day? I tried to shoo it away, but then I went – if anything, I’ll prove to myself that I am a total psycho and need some serious help. No reasonable person stalks others.
Next morning I decided I wasn’t going anywhere, so life was good again. However when I was driving to do some grocery shopping in the early afternoon and I was on the highway that leads to his town and the timing was perfect too – two pm would be too late for him to go out for lunch and too early for dinner. So I drove past my grocery shopping destination and just went on until I got to his place. On my way I decided I’d give myself ten minutes – if no one came out or into the building to let me in, I’d leave.
Another car pulled up to the entrance almost simultaneously with me, I actually had to rush with parking and walking to catch up with the guy who was entering. Like in a bad spy movie, I pretended to be on the phone with somebody, so that the guy wouldn’t question me entering with him. I went upstairs, stood at his door for few mins hesitating and then knocked. When he opened the door few heartbeats later, I fell an avalanche inside, nodded, turned around and left the same way I came.
I waited in the car for a minute or two, when he didn’t come out, I drove towards the exit from the parking lot. I got held back by traffic and attempts to call my girlfriend when he called on my other phone. I turned around, drove back to the parking lot and we talked. He sounded mad – called my behavior crazy and creepy and asked me if I were stalking him. So I explained about the train. He said nothing. I asked if that was it, if I was a creep and it was all over and I should leave. He told me to come up.
When I did, we talked, I explained that I told him how I hated lies before, That lies make feel unstable, and I do realize that this is creepy, that my main intent was to prove to myself I needed professional help with all this paranoia. Also told him of the lies I lived through in my childhood and how I felt S.’s change of heart where he basically started pretending all was good from a certain point and I let myself write it off to paranoia and few dates later he ditched me. I also said, that I have a very good radar for lies – I catch them in most cases, and when I do, I imagine the worst possible explanation for what’s behind them.
I also said that I was passing his house on my way from meeting someone in town and that this was an impulse I followed.
He apologized for lying to me about going to his mom’s. Said he was an odd loner who needed his time alone – and there were no females or anything involved. That all he was doing was sitting around at his place, assembling the dining table – nothing else. He also said he decided not to go last minute, just didn’t want to handle “all the bullshit” – whatever that’s supposed to mean.
His version is good and smooth except for what bugs me is that he behaved oddly when I suggested giving him a lift from his mom’s town back home. Both times he was evasive, like in “we will see” or “I am not sure what time I’ll be leaving”. So my suspicion is that he wasn’t going from the beginning.
Then why the lies? A positive explanation – he either didn’t want to offend me with his desire to spend time on his own, and therefore he lied. Or he got cold feet about going to my place – that’s when the mom visit came up for the first time – as an explanation why he couldn’t come over this weekend – and lied. The bad case scenario – other females.
What I didn’t like was him not texting between eight and almost eleven Friday night sounding pretentiously sleepy after that and the fact he didn’t change the dating plans rescheduling for last night. We actually message somewhat last night (had to review my history – all is very blurred in last night’s memories – a bottle of port made it that way) and when I asked him to call me after nine, he did so immediately – something to support the version of him not having another date. At least last night.
My one girlfriend told me to quit the whole thing or at the very least cancel the date tonight, tell him I needed time to think it all over and let him make a move if he wanted me back. My other girlfriend, a proclaimed liar but no cheater herself tells me that she totally gets him and that I should just once again tell him to try me and tell me the truth going forward. Me? I am somewhere in between. Lying does stink. Especially when you’re asked not to lie. But then again – if it’s all just about him wanting to be on his own and now willing to offend me with it, I guess I am fine.
I am not fine if all he wants from this relationship is fun one night a week. I told him he could take his time and also spend time on his own as much as he wanted, I had a life too and could spend time on my own. What bugs me though is that if at this stage he doesn’t want to see more of me, that’s not a good sign for the whole thing. Or I don’t think it is.
We’ll see what tonight will bring, I am going to give it another chance, but that’s about it. No bullshit from men for me anymore.