Anxiety explained

I guess my current gloomy state is mostly because I didn’t get an invite for certain party where most of my friends are going judging by pictures on their FB pages. That comes on top of two my girlfriends getting together and sending me pics – how I wish I could go and be there with them, but alas, the wrong side of the Pond. So G.’s ditching me for tonight is just a piece in the puzzle of abandonment I currently feel. I am pretty much sitting home killing time, this Halloween totally won’t make it to the list of best ones I’ve ever had!

Need my runs!

I hurt my foot last week and cannot run – ran on Wednesday last time and shouldn’t have done it, made it worse. Anyhow, hangover and lack of exercise seem to turn my paranoia back on. I am still suspicious about G.’s party tonight, well, not party, friends coming over. He was not very wordy in these regards last night – when asked what they were up to, said stay in or go out, not sure. And then it was me again asking if these were the same friends he had over last time. (Yes, they are). Made me think of the article on lies that I read at some point – when people lie they tend to turn less talkative – cause lying is harder than telling the truth and you need to memorize all details you invent – thus the less details, the less trouble.

His not so active messaging today I of course saw as sure sign of him feeling guilty over lying to me. Stupid, I know. Since he messaged as much as usual, really. Except for now that he went for a nap. Which makes sense too.

I guess part of it is that we haven’t set time or place for our date tomorrow – I was holding myself back from asking about it last night, he never said anything. I am a bit doubtful if he didn’t change his mind – what with all complaining of how hard a week turns if he doesn’t do chores on Sunday… And with the game of his team tomorrow in the afternoon I am not sure he’ll do the chores then.

Overall I guess I am just not getting enough attention from him. As simple as that. I mean we do text and call daily, but those are more chatter like exchanges, nothing very romantic. Even flirting has faded out somehow. I still get those kissing and hugging smileys and am called cute nicknames, but other than that not much. That’s why I keep bugging poor Dutch Buddy – to get some flirting and compliments! Pathetic, I know!

Costumes and reactions

Told G. I was hopping around in a nurse costume – he sent a dancy smiley back.

Said to the Dutch Buddy that I had a nurse’s costume on asking him what he was dressed up as – got a request for picture in return. When I said I might one day send it to him, he complained I was killing him. I sent him a picture of a slutty costume I googled and said I bet he was thinking along these lines. He said it was sweet.

I guess the guy has a dirtier mind than G.

Self-digging

My mom always said I wasn’t life wise. Now I understand what she meant. With the great logical mind and analytical abilities in stock (yeah, I am not that modest, I know) I suck at employing them in my own everyday life. No filters, they say. I say bad filters.

I am not cunning in life, I speak up too much. When I feel certain way, people around me will most likely know of it. Pretence is not something I am good at at all. I am only good at flirting (which in essence is a form of acting, thus pretence) as long as I feel like it’s a game to me. As soon as I get emotionally involved, I suck!

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A post full of awww stuff

My foot was hurting like crazy last night (my own fault, which makes it worse). So G. first messaged me what to do about it and then kept going on about it on the call too. Called me foolish girl in the process, which was the first one but felt nice because of the tone it was said in.

Also got him to express respect for my butt! 😀 He said something along the lines ‘and take your shoe off whenever you sit on your ass’ to which I asked to show some respect for my bum. That’s when he said that he had respect for it, lots of it in fact! 😀

He also made a reference to the paintball pics (one of the two I posted recently) – obviously bragging and looking for approval, it was sooooo funny and sweet! I gladly provided the admiration he was after 🙂

I also cancelled my subscription on the dating site – it was running out two weeks from now anyway, and so what S. ditched me on the date we had right after I did the very same thing last time? First of all, I am not superstitious and secondly, G. is not from the site, so no connection whatsoever!

Not that sympathetic, am I now?

Was telling my girlfriend that G.’s schedule was actually as follows: he works shifts that start 5:00 am daily six days a week with Monday shift starting at 4:00 am, thus an early bedtime on Sunday. Not every Saturday is workday, but this year they were 36 (of total 52 weeks in a year, do your math). So basically the guy only has one night a week where he doesn’t have to go to bed by eight – Saturday. And over the last two months we’ve been spending these nights together with few exceptions. So he only gets Sunday to do his chores and watch football in the process. I guess I am being a bitch asking for more attention and all – I just keep slipping out of sympathetic mindset for his schedule.

My girlfriend even said she’d ditch me in his place – if she were working those crazy hours and had to deal with my crazy crap on top of that. I hope I kept it together well enough.

So my options are – to be considerate of his schedule and busy myself with something on all these weekdays (my current approach) or quit the whole thing altogether. Well, third option is to drag him out of this nightmare of a place, but that’s long-term and well, quite a maybe.

Few things that started my paranoia and my thoughts on these

First thing is me not realizing that people are different. I grew up with a father who was a figure of action. I became one myself. So whenever he said “We should do this or that”, I knew it was coming pretty shortly – the statement was made once the matter was decided. I am same way – when I announce something, I’ll do it soon.

So when G. said things like “we should come back to this restaurant again for their seafood Wednesday one day” or “Bowling sounds like a good idea, I haven’t done it in ages!” – and similar statements – I guess it got stuck in my mind as hooks of a sort – I was (and probably still am to an extent) on a hold – waiting for those things to happen. The fact they didn’t come only meant one thing in my interpretation – he must have changed his mind. Logically, the reason for that was he isn’t that into me.

Continue reading “Few things that started my paranoia and my thoughts on these”