What do I want?

Here is a loaded question! What do I want from a relationship? Exactly like that, not from the relationship I am currently in, but in general. I’ve already said once that I am trying to turn a relationship into my happy place – and that’s a shitload of pressure to apply to anything, especially to an affair on an early development stage. So clearly, that should end. And I guess it did – I do long to get together more often than once a week, but that’s not for the reason of associating it with a happy place.

It is a happy place, for sure – cause I totally enjoy myself in G.’s company. I just expanded my happy place definition – now it’s also meeting with girlfriends, visiting beautiful places and having fun doing something on my own. I quit killing time between dates and started enjoying myself outside of it as well – again, obsession is over!

Funny thing – I thought my insecurity only applied to relationships with men – since I have a really fucked up record there – but actually, as soon as I started going out with girlfriends, I have the same “Will they want to get together with me again?” issue as with dudes. Not as powerful, but its existence is surprising. And concerning – why would I be this insecure?!! Probably has to do with the recent betrayal from a number of people that came with the separation. Took some time to catch up with me – but here it is.

But I got carried away- back to the question in the header. So do I want a guy to quickly jump through the courting stage into the robe and slippers couch potato stage? Pumpkin, snatch me a beer when you pass the fridge stage? Am I really that stupid? Careful what you wish for! And this is definitely not something I want to be back to any time soon.

It is for sure a very secure and comfortable stage – so I do long those qualities of it. But the whole excitement and at least some degree of romance will be gone. Excitement only comes with not being certain about things. And I certainly don’t want to give up the excitement yet.

I am not sure how things will develop with G., or if they will develop at all or we’ll just part our ways. All I know is that I enjoy his company, I believe that if we both want to make this work, it may work, and that only by letting him take the lead and planting my ass in the passenger seat will this thing ever get a stab at working. I believe I’ve been successful in it so far, I wish myself luck with that in the future – slapping my hands whenever they try to reach for the steering wheel is quite a challenge, but as long I enjoy the ride, I’m up to it!


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